


Bless the broken road

by J_Antebellum



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Depression, F/F, Fluff, Love, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:03:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 29
Words: 64,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23282965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Antebellum/pseuds/J_Antebellum
Summary: ...that led me here to you.Inspired by the song. What happens after Ashlyn is assaulted during an USWNT soccer camp?
Relationships: Ashlyn Harris/Ali Krieger
Comments: 125
Kudos: 129





	1. Because I chose to love you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Hoping you're all taking good care of yourselves with this Covid madness. I've ran out of the UK, where I've been living for a few months now, and returned to my hometown to support my family through these difficult times. Now I'm in lockdown ;)
> 
> Even though you probably hate me if you've been following my other fics and seen I've barely updated in the past year, I'm happy to finally announce I wrote ten fanfics, all Krashlyn, in the past year. One of them even has a part 2, so it's actually eleven fanfics. So anyway, now that we have these hard times I think all of us in lockdown locked in our flats for minimum a month will appreciate having stuff to read and get entertained, even if it's just fics, so I think it's the best moment to bring all the stories at once. Enjoy!
> 
> Also if you want to talk with me, ask when the next chapter pops or whatever, I'm jantebellum in Tumblr, so feel free to message me or send some anon over there!
> 
> Much love xx

They had a game against Portugal in Philadelphia later that day, so Ashlyn and Ali weren't about to get out of their game-day routine. Or, they wouldn't, normally. But everything had exceptions and this was one, as Ali's family was coming over to see the game. Kyle had gone to Virginia days before with Ali to visit their father after he had fallen from a ladder and hurt his back, and now that he was much better, he had insisted Kyle took him up to see the game in the Lincoln Financial Field, and Debbie, Ali's mum, was also up in the north, as Hurricane Dorian made her home by the Miami beaches unsafe at the moment. Ashlyn's family was stuck in Florida with the hurricane, as they were far too many and preferred to stick together and help each other, some family members evacuating to the homes of others. Cocoa Beach, Satellite Beach and Palm Beach, all of which had been Ashlyn's home at different moments in life and all of which containing most of her family and friends, were expected to suffer the most of Dorian Florida would see, in just a few days.

So they had changed plans and now they were going to have breakfast with Ali's parents and brother at a coffee place not far from the hotel were the team had stayed and to which Ashlyn had arrived a little before Ali, who had been with her dad for a couple days in Virginia prior to joining the camp.

“Is everyone back home safe, Ash?” Debbie was asking the goalkeeper as they sat together around a small square table in the second floor of the crowded cafeteria with big plates of pancakes in front, Ashlyn and Ali sticking to their game-day breakfast in the hotel and now just enjoying coffee.

“Hopefully, although I'm glad we could leave Logan in Virginia, playing with Apollo,” Ashlyn said. “The Pride had to cancel this week's game, and it looks like it'll get worse next week when Dorian comes closer, so my cousin Corey had to get the kids and get out of Satellite... but they should be fine. They're not new at this.”

“I'm so glad we're not in Orlando, though,” Ali commented with a light frown. “This northerner has yet to warm-up to hurricanes.” Ashlyn chuckled, knowing how scary they were for Ali, along with alligators, two very Floridian things.

“I don't think you ever warm-up to hurricanes though, sis,” Kyle pointed out devouring his pancakes but smirking at her. “Anyway, when's your 100th cap celebration?”

“October 3rd versus South Korea,” Ali replied with excitement, “it's settled. So you can all book the flights and clean your schedules!”

“I'll make sure to get this bod back to 100th percent for such occasion then,” Ken winked at his daughter with a proud smile. Ashlyn squeezed her fiancée's hand proudly before snatching her hand away quickly as her mobile rang.

“Oh, it's Chris. I'm gonna take this, it's the daily Dorian update,” said Ashlyn, and grabbed her coffee take-out glass in one hand and her phone in another, pressing the later against her ear as she hurried downstairs. “Hi bro! How's it going? Everything okay home?”

She exited into the street while listening attentively to her big brother's update on every family member and friend they had in Florida, also including the many dogs in the family. The street was small, narrow, and quite empty, so she walked past a group that chatted holding small beer bottles and sitting on some steps, and let her own feet drag her along the street without a precise direction, all her attention focused on the call and looking for somewhere a little more quiet to talk, which was her main reason to exit the cafeteria. She also always found it impolite to answer the phone in front of a group of people, even if they were her in-laws.

“...so anyway, Nana's fine, you don't have to worry, I'm with her and we wanted to wish you good luck,” Chris said. “You're playing today, right?”

“Maybe,” Ashlyn shrugged, even though he couldn't see. “Not starting though, or I'd know by now. Are you gonna stay with Nana until this whole thing is over?”

“Surely. Will you start next game?”

“I don't know, Chris, I wish...” Ashlyn sighed. “Ali's big day is on October 3th against South Korea. Hopefully I'll get to play with her then.”

“Power combo, isn't it? Ugh, can't wait for you guys to get a new coach who actually sees your incredible skills!”

Ashlyn half-smiled, loving her brother's support.

“It's fine, I'm happy just knowing my people value me. I've got to go now Chris, I'm having breakfast with Ali's fam. Take care, okay? Don't do anything stupid like venturing into the ocean.”

“Yes, ma'am,” she could hear Chris rolling eyes. “Love you, good luck.”

“You too, love you.”

Ashlyn hung up and smiled to herself, staring into the contact photograph of her brother in the phone screen as she lowered it. She was about to shove the device into her pocket, turn around and go back into the cafeteria, when she heard a couple hurried steps behind her, and all of the sudden there was a black plastic bag over her head, and someone pulled from it behind her, squeezing it around her neck so hard she was sure it would leave a mark. She shouted, shoved her phone in her pocket fast as lightning, and tried to get rid of the hold, trying to spin around.

However, before she could do this and as she quickly was left with oxygen shortage, she felt a hard couple of quick jabs to her stomach that made her double over in pain, the grab of the bag around her neck just as strong as whoever was behind her stepped forward to keep a strong pull of the bag, and then she felt a hard heel kick on her back that sent her straight to the ground.

The grip of the bag was removed, leaving the bag loose on her head, but her knees, forearms and forehead hit the ground hard, as she was unable to stop the fall with her arms, and everything turned dark.

Meanwhile, Ali got a sudden bad feeling midway through sipping her coffee. Frowning slightly, she turned to face the big windows and stood up to see if Ashlyn was coming back.

“I know you love her but you can relax, sis. She only went to attend a call,” said Kyle half-mockingly, smirking knowingly at her. Ali rolled eyes.

“I'm relaxed, I'm just checking. If she takes too long, she'll miss you entirely as we'll have to be back with the team soon,” Ali said facing him for a moment, and then looked to scan the street.

And that's when she saw it. There was a group of people, all of whom wore dark clothing and had heads covered with hats, caps of beanies, and they were kicking and punching what looked like someone on the pavement.

“Oh my God,” Ali gasped out. “They're kicking someone out there!” she yelped, and made a run for the stairs.

“Wait, what?” Kyle stood up and quickly ran after her. Ken and Debbie exchanged a confused look, but pulled down their coffees and followed as fast as they could, even more considering Ken's back was just recovering.

As Ali and Kyle stormed into the deserted street, they saw at least six people beating up someone who wasn't moving and lied down. They could hear some low shouts they were directing to the attacked person, shouts of 'you fucking dyke', 'Gays belong in hell' and 'you're a fucking sinner' from their position.

“HEY!” Kyle shouted. “Call the cops Al!”

He ran for it, but Ali ran after as well, filled with rage at an obvious homophobic attack. The group looked at them, faces covered with balaclavas, and dispersed running away. Then Ali looked down and her heart almost stopped, recognizing the blood-stained clothing and shoes.

“ASHLYN!”

  
  



	2. The fog

Hours had passed since Kyle had held an hysterical Ali back as the paramedics attended her unconscious fiancée. Ashlyn had blood pouring out of a gaze in her forehead, a purple eye and cheek, a broken nose, a split lip, and for the way they had seen her body be kicked and punched like a boxing bag, they could imagine what was under the clothes. The paramedics had quickly realized there were at least three broken ribs, and the pulse was weak, and so they hurried to take Ashlyn away as the street crowded more and more.

Next had come calls to the team, who would have to play without them but couldn't cancel the game, and then hours waiting, in the company of teammates and friends Megan Rapinoe and Alex Morgan, who were injured and therefore wouldn't play, and had requested to, instead of sitting uselessly on the bench, be at the hospital with them in representation of the team and as friendly support, in the hospital waiting room as Ashlyn had numerous tests done and X-Rays to determine the gravity of her injuries.

Ali sat looking pale as a white sheet, her eyes drained of anxious and angry tears, with Kyle's arm wrapped tightly around her. He too looked sick, and for once there wasn't even the slightest shadow of a smile in his face. Ken had angrily shouted at the police to 'get out and find the fucking bastards who've done this' and now paced around while Debbie held Ali's hand. Alex and Pinoe had dragged chairs to sit in front of Ali and had tried to verbally comfort her, for little use.

“Mrs Harris,” said a doctor rushing into the room with an stressed expression. Ali jumped to her feet, but didn't correct his assumption that she was Ashlyn's wife.

“How is she? Did she wake up?”

“She's regained very slight consciousness but,” the doctor sighed, standing in front of her. “I'm very sorry, but it looks like there's severe brain injury. There's an haemorrhage, and her brain is very bruised, the skull is cracked in two different areas, looks like they... well, made her hit her head against the concrete a lot,” Ali's lips quivered, and Kyle hugged her tight from behind. “Fortunately other organs are nothing but bruised, but she's still in very serious condition. Several ribs are cracked, her left wrist is fractured, her knees are blue from bruises and having in count the surgeries she's had on them, we're gonna have to be really careful with them, and... we're really worried about... it looks like there is a micro-fracture in her spine. It's so tiny we almost didn't spot it in the X-Rays, but it's definitely there and we're afraid it might've affected her spinal cord. She could've been left paraplegic.”

Ali made a sound that she didn't recognize as her own at first, as if she had been jabbed into her lungs.

“It's okay,” Kyle whispered, pressing his lips against her shoulder. “She's a tough one. If anyone can get over this, it's her. She's going to be okay.”

“Why are you not fixing her then?” Ali said with a choked voice looking at the doctor. “You've got to make her be okay!”

“I'm sorry, but I need authorization to perform brain, spinal and nose surgeries, ma'am,” said the doctor, and she then noticed the folder under his armpit, from where he was now pulling a paper sheet and a pen. “You need to sign this so I can help her. But you have to know that although there is no other choice, it's likely that... well, the brain surgery could go wrong. She could be left with significant brain damage, even more so than what she probably already has, or in coma, or even... even dead.”

Ali felt her lungs squeeze so hard she could hardly breathe. With a shaking hand, she grabbed the pen he offered her and signed the paper.

“It's her forty-fourth birthday in less than two months,” Ali murmured weakly, her eyes filling with tears as she passed the paper to the doctor. “Don't fucking make me call her Mum, who's in fucking Dorian now, and tell her her baby girl is dead.”

The doctor gulped and nodded.

“I'll send someone over as soon as we're done, or come myself.”

That was followed by an impossibly long waiting period, most of it Ali spent crying intermittently into her brother's chest. She cried of fury, of desperation, of anxiety, of worry, of injustice and sadness. And several hours later, as the game had ended and the team gathered in the waiting room with her family, she was allowed into the ICU to see Ashlyn, who was, as predicted, in coma. They wouldn't know the full extent of the damage until she woke up, but for now her brain was far too swollen, so his skull had been drilled several mini holes to relax the pressure, and she'd be better off in coma until it improved.

Ali had no more tears to cry as she held Ashlyn's one non-bandaged hand tightly, bringing it to her lips as her eyes scanned the love of her life's face with brown eyes filled with concern. She had called Ashlyn's family, but with Dorian, they were stuck in Florida full of worry and anxiety, so it was up to Ali to take care of her. Now, she saw how swollen Ashlyn's face was in the hurt places. Her left side of the face was all in different shades of purple, her split lip was prominently swollen, her nose, now fixed, was looking painful, and she had a gash on her right cheek. There were purple lines in her neck as if they had tried to asphyxiate her, but the doctors said it had been brief enough to not cause internal damage in her throat. She breathed slowly with the help of a mask, only because coma patients were at risk of breathing issues despite her lungs being okay, and had tubes into her head and so many IVs all over her body she could hardly count them, but she kissed up and down her tattooed arm as she held onto her hand, careful with the IVs and relished every sound her breathing made.

There was no way of knowing if she'd walk again now. The doctors thought it was very likely her cord was significantly damaged, but thought it could maybe recover. Her career, however, was over for at least the remaining of the year. She wouldn't play with Ali at her 100th celebration. It didn't matter. All Ali wanted was for her to be okay.

“It's gonna be fine,” Ali assured, caressing her face with the utmost gentleness. “We're all with you. We love you so much. And we're going to take care of you, so you get better really quick. And the bloody jerks who put you here are going to pay, I promise you. They will regret the day they touched you for the rest of their miserable days.” Carefully, Ali moved Ashlyn's breathing mask away and pressed her lips against Ashlyn's uninjured lip for one moment. “I love you. I'll always be by your side. I'll love you no matter what, I'll be your wife and you'll be mine, and one way or another, we'll have all we ever dreamed with. I swear, my love, I swear. You just get better.”

Ali was able to stay just a couple hours before the nurses asked her to go for a little bit so they could check Ashlyn's wounds again, clean and re-bandage her and change her urine bag, salts and other IV liquids. So Ali kissed her fiancée's cheek and marched on to the waiting room where everyone was waiting. To her surprise, however, police was also waiting.

“Ali Krieger?” a cop asked, extending a hand as she nodded. “Detective Kate Edwards, from Philadelphia's Police Department. I'm investigating the attack on your fiancée. How is she doing?” she added with a concerned expression as they shook hands briefly.

“Well, she's in coma and may not be able to walk down the aisle at our wedding in four months,” Ali grumbled with reddened puffy eyes and clenched jaw. “But we should just be happy she is still alive. What have you got?”

The detective nodded seriously.

“I'm so sorry to hear that,” she said. “Unfortunately, not much. We made drawings of all the people you described, but they were too covered to really identify anything and they knew the area; they made sure to avoid any streets that had cameras, probably changed their disguises and separated before going out into more populated areas, but we're still investigating, looking for anyone who might've seen them running out or coming in, witnesses... because of what you said you heard them say, we're taking this as a hate crime, not just any assault, and attempted murder, due to the severity of the injuries, that lead us to think the goal was to kill Ms Harris due to her sexual orientation. Far-right extremist attack, I believe. So we're taking this very seriously and I assure you, our best efforts are focused in this.”

“Then why are you here instead of out there, investigating?” Ali said a little rougher than intended.

“It's also my duty to keep the family informed. And I wanted to ask you some questions as well. We believe this group followed your fiancée, waited for the right moment to attack her. Have you perceived anything suspicious around her lately?”

Ali shook her head.

“We have some fans around sometimes, but nothing like following... and no one knew where we were going. We don't even live here, we live in Orlando, and...” she shrugged. “I mean I guess maybe she was followed before I came? I had to stop by Virginia for a couple days before coming up here, she came straight away and was a couple days here without me, but like, we're at camp. At the hotel, surrounded by our team, all the time, then training... and she's a goalkeeper. They spend more hours in the field than anyone else, training. She'd hardly have time to go out and make enemies.”

“What about at home? As she ever received dead threats, had any odd encounters, perhaps someone approached her before?”

Ali stood thoughtful, conscious of her family's eyes on her, but her brain felt so numb it was hard to think. Nonetheless, she made her best effort because she knew how important it was, and focused.

“Usually, she gets really nice treatment from letters and fans... a lot of people thanking her, saying she saved their life, because she's very involved with mental health organizations and stuff, very close to her community back home, with her being native there... although she does get quite the hatred in the social media at times, but we don't really pay attention. Sometimes people wish her really terrible things, but we just turn it off and don't even look... even more so since we know it's often far-right people. Like recently, she commented on... someone who used to belong to the team is no longer being called after she refused to come due to homophobia, and Ashlyn called her out on that after the woman went and said the team wasn't welcoming because she was Christian, which enraged Ashlyn, because it as a huge lie and well, she's a Libra, don't ask her to help herself,” Ali shrugged. “Some people went berserk and said really ugly shit. But we never saw anything— never felt any actual danger. I'm sure if— if she had been been afraid, if someone had followed her, or scared her, she would've told me. People love her in Orlando, there is no way no one would ever do something like this to her. No way.”

The detective nodded, scribbling notes in a small notebook.

“Why was she out there alone? Waiting for someone?” the detective inquired then.

“No,” Ali sighed. “Her brother called her and she never likes to attend phone calls in crowded spaces, we were in the cafeteria there so she just went out, normal thing she does. She was worried 'cause her family is in Florida, in the direct area affected by Dorian. Wanted to give him her full attention.”

“Understood. Okay, well, I'm going now. I hope she feels better soon, and I'll find you for more updates or call you regularly,” the detective promised.

Ali sighed shakily as the detective left and her friend and teammate Kelley O'Hara moved to hug her close. She let the embrace comfort her for a moment, until they separated.

“Tammye called me for updates,” Debbie said taking her daughter's hand, “as you had your phone turned off. Told her Ashlyn's stable now, isn't she?”

The defender nodded, squeezing her hand briefly.

“The nurses are just checking her stitches and everything, making sure nothing gets infected,” Ali explained. “And she won't look that bad once her nose and cheek heal. For now her face is like purple.”

“Do we know if she got to defend herself?” Tobin Heath inquired. “She's good at fist fighting. We'd know if we have to look for a suspicious broken-nose.” Ali shook her head.

“The doctor was telling me earlier that after talking to the paramedics and seeing all the injuries and all, it seems unlikely that she even saw them,” Ali explained, her voice weak and tired. “They think they came onto Ashlyn from behind as she was just hanging-up from talking on the phone with Chris, and that they tried to asphyxiate her with a black plastic bag from behind, she still had it when Kyle and I got to her. And then, they think the rest of the group came and hit her from all places so she ended up unconscious too fast to protect herself. Six against one. She had no chance, if we hadn't gotten there on time, she'd be dead.”

“Cowards,” Christen Press spit out in disgust. “Attacking someone from behind, blinding her and outnumbering her like that... bastards...”

“Typical of stupid homophobes, though. And we should still be glad they didn't stab her or shoot her,” Kyle pointed out, to what Ali nodded in agreement.

“Why wouldn't they, though?” inquired Graeme Abel, Goalkeeper Coach, who knew Ashlyn for years and years now, as he was her main trainer in the USWNT. “If they wanted her dead, it would've been way more effective, and faster than beating her up. Besides, in plain daylight? They should've known the risk of being caught before they killed her was high. And supposedly they planned this, didn't they?”

They stood in silence, meditating the questions, until Ali came up with an answer that chilled her to the bone, but that she knew was the cold, sad truth.

“They took pleasure on hitting her. On killing her slowly. And it was worth the risk for them.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember Fanfic Authors are often unappreciated. Yes, we don't write best sellers, we write for love and we write for free, when we have time, through studies, jobs, life... we write because we love writing, but we CHOOSE to share what we write with you, so the least you can do is show your writers your appreciation. As you can see I spent a whole year writing without necessarily publishing, because like many others, I don't NEED to publish. I do it hoping it'll bring other people the joy it brings me to read and write. But it's up to you to keep updates going, and not make us feel like we might as well keep the work to ourselves. Thank you!


	3. Strong dyke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER:
> 
> All of this is FICTION. Even when there are characters named after and inspired on real people, and even when there might be real locations and historical events. It's still a FICTIONAL story, and it's not meant to detriment, insult or hurt anyone, but only with the purpose of entertainment.
> 
> I think we can all use some entertainment in our lives through these difficult times. I don't know you, but I've lost nearly everything over Covid. I no longer have a job, a career, and all my professional plans for this year are, as for now, cancelled. I can't even make any future professional plans as for now. I literally had to pack my bags, leave my first house since I moved out from my childhood home, and leave my friends there, my life there, everything, for God knows how long, so I could return home and take care of my elderly mother less than a week ago. And now I'm fighting to stay healthy so I can keep her healthy and take care of her, while we live on our savings, that's all we have left. And writing brings me a little bit of joy and for what I see, reading brings you a bit of joy too, and I think we can all use as much joy now as we can get. So that's the only purpose of fanfiction for me, nothing else, and certainly, nothing moved by some "white saviour complex" or a desire to deprecate anyone or anything.
> 
> Thank you all for your support and your comments. We will get through this, I don't know how, I don't know when, but we will. Trust me on this.

**Chapter 3: Strong dyke.**

The next day, Ashlyn was moved to a long-stay area where she had her own room. The room was soon filled of small things to make it feel warmer, knowing that Ashlyn could be there for a long time, as Ali didn't see the point on moving her to Virginia closer to her people when she was so weak, and there was no way of getting her to Florida with Dorian looming closer. They had decided that the best approach was to let Ashlyn be in Philadelphia at least until Saturday, when the team would fly to Minnesota for a game on the 3rd, and Ali and Ashlyn stayed behind. Then, maybe if the doctors considered Ashlyn was up for it, they could put her in a helicopter and move her to Washington D.C., which would be a flight of a little over an hour and Ali could tag along. After all, once the team left, Ali would have to get hers and Ashlyn's things out of the team hotel, because it was booked by the federation. Of course she could book rooms somewhere else, but it'd still be easier if Ashlyn was in Washington, far from her attackers.

When it came to releasing an explanation as to why Ali and Ashlyn hadn't be seen at the game, nor at any team photograph that followed in trainings or hotel, no one released any information. Of course a lot of people were wondering what had happened, filling their social media with questions, but the US Federation assured Ali that it was up to her and Ashlyn, when she recovered, to release whichever information they thought best. For now, they had to protect Ashlyn, as it was possible that the attackers attempted to finish the job, so all that had come to the press about the attack had been that there had been an homophobic assault in central Philadelphia and that it was being investigated. No information on the victim.

“Nana is all right,” Ali was saying, as she navigated Ashlyn's room adjusting the flower bouquets that accumulated on top of chest of drawers, and the many “Get Well” cards and stuffed animals that were also all around the room, “Chris is taking care of her. And your parents are okay too. They'll fly to see you next week maybe, when Dorian's history... but it could be the following, because you know Dorian is coming north, so...” she sighed and shrugged, turning to see Ashlyn.

She looked pretty much the same, although her face was healing fast and the bruising looked better. The doctors had said maybe she could hear her, so it wasn't a bad idea to talk to her. Keep her calm. Ali smiled softly and walked over to the bed, sitting on a side of it and taking Ashlyn's hand in hers as she leaned down to kiss her forehead gently. The oxygen mask was gone now.

“Isn't it ridiculous how you're still the most beautiful woman ever even with all those bruises?” Ali caressed her face with the back of her fingers. “My beautiful, perfect future wife. I'm so lucky.”

If anything was made clear to the medical staff over the days that followed was that Ashlyn wasn't going down easily. Yes, maybe she was an utter dyke, but she was the strongest and toughest of them all. Even unresponsive, she impressed the doctors over at the hospital in Washington DC, not having any worsening situations over the days. Ashlyn just kept looking a little better and, by the next game day, her face was almost fully healed. The gash had closed forming a thin line with dark, thin scab, and the bruises now were in different tones of yellow. Her brain was less swollen and they had just been able to retire the tubes and do what was possible to close her skull, and her wrist would be fine in a week more. But there was no way of knowing yet how paralysed she was, or how bad the brain damage was.

“The areas most affected are those in charge of concentration, planning, judgement, emotional expression, creativity, inhibition, initiation of voluntary muscles, orientation, and sensation from muscles and skin. Those areas were directly affected by the blows sustained,” the doctor explained on Tuesday before the game started. “But of course the entire frontal area got swollen and affected by the bleeding, so other areas might've been affected in some degree as well, such as those in charge of speech muscles, emotions, detecting pain, hunger or fight or flight response, short term memory, equilibrium, hearing and even written and spoken language comprehension. And then there's of course all that could come with skull fracture; headache, nausea, vomiting, blurred vision, irritability, loss of balance, confusion...”

Ali nodded, clenching her jaw as she read the documents the doctor was explaining to her.

“I know the head injury drill. Both of us have had concussions.”

“You just have to imagine that and then worse,” the doctor sighed. “I'm sorry I don't have better news.”

“How long will she need to heal?”

“Her skull will be fine as new in a month or two, maybe a little more. Concussion symptoms like headache or sensitivity to light and sound may stick around longer, though. If she's paraplegic, it's possible she regains some sensation, maybe, with the right rehabilitation, over six months or a year, but it's also likely she doesn't. And the brain damage... well, it's very hard to predict its recovery, due to the complexity of the brain. My best guest, and because of the other cases I've seen with athletes, is that since goalkeepers prepare hard for concussions, and she's always recovered quite fast from concussions, never requiring to be wheeled out of a field, she could maybe experiment a good level of recovery and healing over the first six months. Some people even report to still have a lot of improvement over years. Some almost reach full recovery. It depends on quality of rehabilitation, attitude, support level, and of course, a level of luck. But I wouldn't be completely hopeless. The brain just finds alternative ways to work, rewriting itself with new cells.”

“Thank you, doctor. Hope is all we need now,” after the doctor left, Ali sat by the bed and pressed her lips right below Ashlyn's ear. “Heard that, stud? Good attitude and maybe you'll be fine after all. Or at least better, uh? We'll just stay positive.”

There was a soft knock and Kyle peeked inside the room.

“May we?” Kyle asked, and Ali nodded, leading to Kyle, Ken and Debbie entering and, to Ali's surprise, Alex and Pinoe followed with no other than Corey Habovick, Ashlyn's closest cousin, so close Corey had named her the Godmother of his daughter.

“Corey,” Ali breathed out, and she stood up and hugged him close. “What are you doing here? What about Dorian?”

“Dorian can suck my ass,” Corey hugged her tight, looking at Ashlyn over Ali's shoulder. “Chris and the others are stuck in Satellite, strong winds, no planes or anything. I had to close the shop as well,” Corey owned a shop of sea articles. “But we had managed to go up north to Brittany's parents' house, and once it became clear Dorian wasn't coming inland through Florida, I was able to grab the car and drive here.”

“You drove all the way here?” Ali stared, perplexed, but Corey nodded, matter of fact.

“Ashlyn would've done it as well,” he said simply. “Besides, I'm the only one who could. The kids and Brittany will be fine with her family, and the rest of ours cannot leave. The winds down south are absolutely terrible, we're surrounded by bloody palm trees that might fall-off any time now, holding on for days... and the ocean level has risen significantly. Inside in Orlando things are better, but Satellite and Cocoa are surrounded by water, such thin island... everyone is very anxious. My parents had to evacuate and all. It's not looking good. So how is she?”

Ali gulped the anxiety and followed his gaze to Ashlyn.

“The doctors are amazed by how well she's holding up. They expect her to wake up, at some point.”

Corey nodded and walked over to his cousin, squeezing her exposed arm.

“It's okay Ash. You don't worry about a thing, the fam will be fine. You know them, though people,” he kissed her bandaged forehead softly. “You just get better so we can dance this out at your wedding soon. There's still wedding, right?” he added, looking up at Ali.

“Yeah, for now,” Ali nodded. “As long as she wakes up this month, that is. But with the swelling gone down, it should happen soon. You're not going to the game?” Ali added turning to Pinoe and Alex.

“No, this is more important,” Pinoe said simply.

“We'd just be warming a bench, we cannot substitute,” Alex shrugged. “Any news from police?”

Ali shrugged off.

“They've made some arrests, but they haven't got a con—,”

“A...” a sound interrupted her and they turned to look at Ashlyn, whose lips were slightly parted. For a moment, no one dared to speak, holding their breaths and sharpening their eardrums. “Al...”

“Ashlyn,” Ali walked fast to her fiancée, hearing her raspy, weak voice, and slumped on the verge of the bed, taking her good hand between hers and leaning forward to hear her better. “Ash?”

Ashlyn gulped and her eyelids fluttered slightly, her hand squeezing Ali's very slightly.

“Al... ex... Al...” Ashlyn tried again weakly, her head turning a little. Knowing Alex was the way Ashlyn mostly referred to her in private -aside from cute nicknames-, Ali smiled softly.

“I'm here babe. I'm right here.”

“I'll get the nurse,” said Kyle, rushing out.

Slowly, Ashlyn's thumb moved to brush the skin of Ali's hand gently. It'd move a couple millimetres only, but on slow repeat and Ali grinned, feeling her eyes fill with tears as she leaned to press her lips over Ashlyn's briefly.

“Hi,” said Ali.

“Ba... by...?” Ashlyn seemed to inquire.

“Yeah. It's me.” Ali reassured her. Ashlyn nodded so slightly she almost wasn't sure it had happened, and her thumb rubbed a full circle on her hand. “I love you.”

“Love... u...” Ashlyn replied, her lips barely moving. Her eyelids fluttered more, but seemed too heavy to move more.

The door opened and the nurse came in with a big smile, followed by Kyle. Corey immediately stepped back to leave room for the nurse without Ali having to move away.

“She's talking,” Ali told the nurse. “And touching me, see?”

“Ali...” Ashlyn murmured more clearly after clearing her throat.

“I know baby, the nurse is here,” Ali comforted her. “You'll feel better soon.”

“I'm going to lower the blinds and get the room as dark as possible so the light doesn't bother her,” said the nurse, moving to the windows. The room was left pitch black and she turned on a bar wall lamp over the bed, that pointed to the ceiling with a dimly yellow light and therefore, wasn't going straight to Ashlyn's eyes. “All right, let's see. Do you hear me, Ashlyn?” the goalkeeper again nodded very slightly, and groaned, seemingly considering it too much movement. “Okay, I'm going to open your eyes a little so I can check your pupils, okay?” The nurse then very gently used her thumbs to briefly open one eye, separating the eyelids, and then the other. “Looks good, how does it feel?”

“Blur...” Ashlyn murmured.

“Yeah, should be a little blurry still. Someone hit your head bad, Ashlyn, you're in the hospital, okay? But you're getting better, so try to relax and rest, and we'll take care of everything else. You'll feel better in a matter of time.”

“Is she out of coma then?” Ken asked, putting a hand on his daughter's shoulder.

“Awakening, yeah,” the nurse nodded. “Shortest coma I've seen for sure,” she added with a smile, “but there are several stages of consciousness, so she's not going to be fully awake and ready to party from the start. It'll probably take a few days, we cannot rush it. I'll go inform the doctor. She'll be happy to know.”

They sat in quiet silence as the nurse left, not daring to make any sound that might bother Ashlyn. The goalkeeper seemed to find it odd, so she filled in the silence.

“Loggie,” she said all of the sudden, surprising Ali, who snorted a laugh.

“Logan's okay. She's playing with Apollo.”

“Mmm... Al?”

“Yeah?”

“Thirst... y...”

“Oh! Okay, there's water, wait,” Ali put her hand on her lap gently and reached for a water bottle on an auxiliary table by the bed, getting a plastic glass from a pile next to it and filling it with water. “Right, be careful, okay? Slowly. Last thing we need is for you to asphyxiate.”

Gently, she helped Ashlyn to sip some, just a little, what the goalkeeper needed to stop feeling her throat so dry, as she was hydrated through IVs anyway. And just like that, she fell asleep. Her hand rested on Ali's lap, she nuzzled a little against the pillows, and she released a deep breath as Morpheus took over.

  
  



	4. Journey

**Chapter 4: Journey.**

Ali observed quietly as Ashlyn's hazel eyes stared silently at the room, the eyelids only slightly opened. It was early morning and the night before, their team had kicked Portugal's ass once more. However, the new game had also raised more questions about their absence and Coach Jill Ellis had had to say that the couple was absent due to personal family matters. Pinoe and Alex were staying in a hotel in DC, as they couldn't train with their clubs anyway, to keep visiting Ashlyn, and Corey had been given the guest room at Ali's Dad's house, while Debbie had the other guest room in the house.

Now, in the fresh of the early morning, Ali had awoken from her place curled in a robust chair by the bed, and as she had her morning take-out coffee, she had seen Ashlyn slowly wake-up, the hazel pupils scrutinizing the room, illuminated by the morning sunlight the peeked under the half-opened blinds.

“Want to eat something?” Ali offered, tender fingers caressing Ashlyn's tattooed arm.

The younger woman looked up at Ali, her eyes not focusing too well, and half-smiled.

“Not hungry. Ali...” Ashlyn seemed to need a moment to gather her thoughts. “I'm wrong.”

“You're wrong? About?” Ali inquired confused. Ashlyn, however, looked more confused.

“Can't think. 'S not right.”

“Oh... oh!” as realization struck Ali, she understood and put her coffee aside, reaching for Ashlyn's hand. “Okay, so... last week, somebody attacked you while you were alone in the street. They hurt your head badly, baby.”

“'M feel fine?”

“You're full of drugs sweetie,” said Ali with a sad smile. “But you're very seriously hurt, love. You've been in coma, you know? Your brain got really swollen. We didn't know what would happen. But it's a good sign that you feel good, means you'll be good soon. However, that's why your head doesn't feel that right, like you said.”

“Oh...” Ashlyn nodded a little, then frowned. “Ali... my feet. I don't feel.”

A weight dropped in Ali's chest.

“You can't feel your feet, love?”

“Ev'r'thing's heavy...” Ashlyn's fingers moved a little as she checked sensation. “But I feel hands. Don't feel feet. Can't move...”

Feeling anxiety and dread raising in her chest, Ali bit her lip and tried to find a way to give her the bad news without making her flip completely. But she wasn't sure there was such a thing.

“Ashlyn... I'm afraid during the attack, your back got very hurt too. It doesn't seem like...” Ali gulped the knot that was forming in her throat as Ashlyn narrowed her eyes, trying to focus them better on her. “The doctor said it could be just a temporary thing, we can't be sure, but what seems certain right now is that you can't walk. You don't feel anything below your belly, do you?”

Ashlyn stared at her for a long moment, and then she started to process the information and try to see if she could maybe feel anything at all. But it was just a lack of feeling. She felt heavy until she got to below her ribs, where she stopped feeling altogether. She didn't feel her lower belly raising as she breathed, she didn't feel the sheets or the hospital gown caressing her thighs, and she couldn't move her toes in the slightest.

And just like that, she felt as if a bucket of ice had been thrown on her while sudden realization took over. Her brain worked as if it was completely oxidized, slow at the processing of information, and it took her a further moment to realize of the gravity of the circumstances. If she couldn't walk, her career was over and done with. If she couldn't walk, she couldn't walk down the aisle in her wedding day. She couldn't even give Ali piggy rides anymore, surf, skate, nor run playing with Logan. She could no longer be the athlete she was at heart.

“I'm paraplegic,” Ashlyn realized, and Ali bit her lip harder and nodded, unable to talk. Maybe she was in shock, but Ashlyn was surprised for her ability to keep her cool. There was only one thing that seriously worried her at the moment. One thing that made her way through the fog her brain was. “But you still marry me?”

Ali's eyes widened in surprise, not expecting the question, and she suddenly grinned, even though her eyes were tearful. She then kissed Ashlyn who did her best to kiss her back.

“Of course I'm still marrying you. Not even a thousand hurricanes could stop me from ever marrying you,” Ali reassured her. Relief washed over Ashlyn and she allowed a weak smile. As long as Ali was there, she had some hope that things may get better, somehow. “I love you so much, Ashlyn. To me, the fact that you're hurt, doesn't matter how much, doesn't change the fact that I want to grow old with you, adopt children with you, and be happily ever after with you in Orlando. I'd much rather have you paraplegic, than not have you at all, my love.”

A sob broke through Ali's lips and she leaned to hug Ashlyn, who buried her face in Ali's long dark mane as the older woman breathed deep against her to calm herself, stopping short from going on a full cry. Ali was very careful not to squeeze her fiancée's healing ribs, supporting on her forearms to avoid crushing her. Ashlyn then stretched her right hand's fingers and clenched her jaw in effort as she focused on lifting her hand, as heavy as it felt. Slowly, she managed to lift it just long enough to drop it on Ali's hip, and from there it wasn't so hard to drag it up until it rested on Ali's back.

“It's okay,” Ashlyn whispered, closing her eyes and enjoying the comfort of Ali's body. “At least... I get to marry the most perfect p'son.” Ali felt warmth inside as Ashlyn's lips found her forehead. “I love you.”

“We'll get through this,” Ali assured. “Together, as always.”

They relaxed into each other's embrace for a while and at last, Ali pulled apart, smiling as Ashlyn's sleepy eyes opened to check on her. Ali returned silently to her chair by the bed and finished her coffee slowly while holding Ashlyn's hand with her free one, as the goalkeeper rested for a while. The head of the bed was composed by a number of different machines and Ali entertained herself reading the information the screens would show, not understanding it. After a long time, Ashlyn's voice came again.

“Dorian?”

“Your family is fine,” Ali assured her. “You already saw Corey, and the others couldn't get out of Florida to visit, but they're okay. The hurricane is already closer to Georgia than Satellite. The worst of it has passed, it's weakened a bit.”

“Good,” Ashlyn looked tired, but Ali admired her resilience. She didn't know how she'd take being told she was paraplegic. “Does everyone know... about me?”

“Our family and the teams know everything, although until just now that you said it, we weren't sure you'd be paraplegic or not. The doctors have always been optimistic you may recover feeling and all and—,”

“I mean,” Ashlyn clarified, “people. Out.”

“Oh, if the others know about the attack?” the goalkeeper nodded. “No. It's not out in the public, no. This happened in Philadelphia. Remember we had to go there for a game?”

“Uhm...” Ashlyn frowned. “Did we?”

“Yeah. We were at the VMAs first, remember that?”

“Right,” Ashlyn half-smiled. “I met Cardi B. Can't forget that.” Ali laughed.

“Glad to see where your priorities stand,” Ali joked, grinning. “Well after that, you went to Philadelphia to join camp, and I would follow in a matter of days because Dad hurt his back and—,”

“Fell down a ladder. Didn't he?”

“That's right, good you remember.”

“It's all I remember,” Ashlyn confessed weakly.

“When I was back with you, with Dad more recovered, my family came over for the game and we took them out for breakfast one day. At some point you went out of the cafeteria to attend a phone call from Chris, and that's when they attacked you. In the middle of the street, in plain daylight, yet somehow it was a deserted street so early. I saw something through the window at the café and, with Kyle, rushed to you, and the attackers ran. But we got to hear them talk crap to you about...” Ali sighed. “Being butch, gay. They sounded very homophobic.”

“Far right,” Ashlyn closed her eyes, tired. “B'stards.”

“Exactly. Journalists found out there had been a homophobic attack, but they didn't find out it was you who suffered it, and I didn't release any information. Our absence from both games was excused by Jill saying we had personal family matters to attend. People won't stop asking through the media, but whatever.”

“And arrests?”

“They arrested a couple guys, saw them throwing some blood-stained shoes and the blood matches yours, but they haven't confessed anything yet. Good thing we took you to DC, so at least, no one of them can reach you again.”

Ashlyn looked at her with a sad smile and squeezed her hand weakly, tired.

“You stay?”

“Yeah. This chair is not as uncomfortable as it looks,” Ali smiled warmly, reassuringly. Ashlyn would've spent energy on trying to convince Ali to go home, but she knew if situation was reversed, she wouldn't move from her bedside, so she wouldn't be so hypocrite to ask that of Ali. “You okay?”

“Just t'red.”

“That's normal. You need to rest. Take advantage of the painkillers.”

Ashlyn nodded a little, and her slightly opened eyes fixed on Ali.

“Why don't you tell everyone?”

“I don't know,” Ali shrugged. “What do I even say? Is there something you want me to say?”

The other woman was thoughtful for a while, and Ali wasn't sure she had fallen asleep until she spoke.

“I want them to know I don't just skip camp for nothing, and I don't just abandon the team I captain,” Ashlyn murmured. “Tell them it was a homophobic attack. Tell them I'm fine but unable to play anymore this year. Tell them you're being a good wifey sitting here with good old me.” She added with a half chuckle. Ali snorted a laugh, shaking her head.

“Are you sure?” Ali asked, just to be sure.

“Yeah. Y'know I always want to take them along the ride. They've been so kind. Supportive. I don't want anybody to worry.”

Ali waited until Ashlyn fell asleep and her soft deep breathing filled the room before pulling her phone and opening the notes app. She stared at it for a long moment, no quite knowing what to write, how to word things properly. Releasing a puff, she first texted their family group and Coaches Jill Ellis and Marc Skinner to let them know Ashlyn was definitely out for the rest of the year, not feeling her feet but doing better in general, more talkative and responsive, and then returned to the blank sheet of her notes app, trying to come up with something.

_'Ashlyn's asked me to please inform the fans as 'they've been so kind & supportive' and she, as always, wants to take you along the ride, about recent events that led us to miss the Victory Tour this month. The ride reached a major bump last Thursday when before the game, Ashlyn suffered a serious homophobic attack that put her in coma until yesterday, when she started the slow process back to full consciousness & awareness._

_Recovery from this is doomed to be hard. Thankfully, Ashlyn's the toughest, most resilient person I know, and I have no doubt that she'll be fine, even more so as she insists on marrying me ;-) so right now we can only feel forever grateful she is alive. For me, nothing right now is more important than being here with her, and we hope you understand._

_Her injuries are season-ending, and I will return late in September, if her recovery goes well, to play for the Pride, and for the USWNT in October's Victory Tour. Thank you for your support, much love,_

_Ali xx.'_

Finishing the text, Ali sighed and took a screenshot, trimmed it, and published it in her Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Then, she turned off her phone and moved to face Ashlyn, who was still asleep. As she watched her silently, she couldn't help but, for once in her life, pray all would end-up just fine.

  
  



	5. Come home

**Chapter 5: Come home.**

When Ashlyn's eyes slowly flickered open, the first thing she heard was the murmur of Ali's voice talking on the phone trying to be quiet from a corner of the room, and the first thing she saw was the brunette's long dark hair wavering as the woman moved. As if she felt Ashlyn's hazel eyes on her, Ali looked over and smiled at her, mouthing a 'Good morning' just for her. Ashlyn managed a small smile and muffled a groan as she mustered her energy to turn her head to face the ceiling.

Her head throbbed in different points as she supported new areas of it on the pillow, and she took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment as she went through her daily ritual of feeling herself. Still no feeling from ribs down, but her ribs no longer bothered her in the slightest when she breathed, so maybe they had finally fully healed, her fractured wrist felt better as well, and her head... well, there was some throbbing pain and the room had spun a little too much with the slight movement, but it was still over her shoulders. A physiotherapist came daily to do little exercises with her, keep her moving so she wouldn't develop injuries related to being in bed too long, and that helped some.

“Good news,” said Ali, who had hung up and was now walking towards her, sitting on the edge of the bed and absent-mindedly caressing her arm. “The two suspects Philadelphia police arrested have finally confessed, although they're trying to throw blames somewhere else, claimed that the others dragged them and that they were only in charge of getting rid of the clothing that was stained. They swear they didn't even touch you,” she rolled eyes in disbelief. “But anyway, they've given descriptions of the four others who participated and police is hoping to get them.”

Ashlyn released a sigh, trying to find the will to care. But to be sincere, she was so tired all the time and she felt so heavy and at the same time, tired of not being able to move, while simultaneously wishing to never have to move, that it was hard to care even about those who had put her there. She didn't have energy to think of resentment and revenge.

“Nice,” the goalkeeper said at last. “Any news of Dorian?”

“Slowly towards Georgia and South Carolina, but will remain in the coast,” Ali replied. She checked that one daily, knowing Ashlyn would want a daily update or a few. “Will get to North Carolina by Friday, so the family is safe by now.”

“When will Corey go back?”

“Babe, he was leaving this morning, remember he told us yesterday evening?” Ali reminded her, knowing her memory was to be affected.

“Oh,” Ashlyn nodded. “Yeah, forgot that one.”

The defender scrutinized her fiancée with tiger brown eyes for a long moment.

“How are you doing?” she asked at last with a soft voice.

Ashlyn meditated the answer. She was lying down on a hospital bed for the seventh consecutive day, unable to move without the entire room spinning tremendously, with her vision still somewhat blurry, different levels of pain that depended on the amount of meds she was on, and her career was over.

“I'm not exactly cheerful, I'd say,” Ashlyn murmured at last. She grabbed the bed control with a clumsy hand and started her usual battle to make her fingers work just right. Most of the time it felt like her body wasn't hers; like it somehow refused to obey her at random. But at last, she managed to press the buttons properly and lift the head of her bed up just a little, searching better comfort.

The older woman observed her with a serious expression and at last, leaned to kiss her cheek.

“It'll get better.”

“Better how?” Ashlyn puffed. “My body barely responds to me. I can't walk, I can hardly move, and my career is over!” she suddenly found her voice raising and her emotions too worked-up, and saw Ali wince. “I'm sorry,” she immediately apologized, lowering her voice, “I'm sorry...”

“It's okay. It's just... brain injury. We knew your emotions would get a bit out of control. What matters is that we can make you feel better soon. And besides, it's normal not to feel fine.”

“This wasn't the life I wanted, Al,” Ashlyn admitted looking down and releasing a deep sigh. “This wasn't the wife I wanted for you either. This is just... don't you think that maybe in some way they did manage to kill me after all?”

Ali frowned, confused.

“What?”

“They killed the life I had. I'll never get it back. Not even if for some miracle my legs work again. I can't even do modelling, I can't even... cook at home. The counter's too high for someone in a wheelchair. No surfing, no skating, no running with Jenson and Raya and our own kids... nothing of the life I planned to have without football either. Hell, can't even have sex.”

“Ash...”

“Please don't tell me to feel lucky I'm still alive. Please,” Ashlyn interrupted, “because yes I do, but I'm still allowed to mourn the life I've lost, right?”

Ali nodded in agreement and moved to sit beside her, wrapping her arms around her.

“You know, when you were in coma, the doctor explained to me that the brain rewires and forms new connections to recover,” said Ali softly, pressing her cheek against Ashlyn's bandaged head. “Maybe that's what we have to do now too. We can teach you ways to climb onto a wheeled stool so you can move around the kitchen without problems, we can teach you to swim without legs, we can help you relearn to do life, to write, to read... whatever it is that has become difficult now. And maybe now instead of running after our children or Jenson and Raya, or even Logan, you can be the little Ferrari after them with a wheelchair. We'll find other ways to make sex work, and you can still lie on a surfboard, and the wheelchair is not so different from a skateboard.”

“Literally the only thing in common is that they both have wheels?” Ashlyn said using irony with a small smile, making Ali chuckle.

“Okay fine. But what I'm saying is that we don't have to find ways to force you to fit into your traditional lifestyle. We just have to find a way to adapt your traditional lifestyle to the new you. And there are ways. We'll adapt.”

Ashlyn meditated her words for a moment, and then nodded, leaning into her embrace.

“But I don't want you to have to care for me as if I was some baby. I want to have independence, to not be a weight on your shoulders...”

“You will be, but it'll take time. And in the meantime, I am your wife. I'm happy to take care of you, you'd never be some unbearable weight. You didn't choose this. And as long as I can do something to make you happy, I'll be happy.”

The goalkeeper looked up and Ali kissed her, and then suddenly they were fully making out. Ashlyn couldn't help but moan against the sensation, having missed this type of intimacy with her future wife.

It took Ashlyn several days plagued with nightmares, that started to appear at night with powerful reminders of how she had gotten her place in hospital to begin with, until she was finally able to at least sit up on her own, once her back had healed-up. By then, Hurricane Dorian had become history, but Ashlyn's family hadn't flown to Virginia, as they were busy helping their community fix the damages the hurricane had left. However, Ashlyn insisted on flying back to Florida.

“My family needs me,” she insisted, sitting up on an armchair in her hospital bedroom. “I'm doing much better, and besides, Ali will need to return to training this week if she wants to be back for the upcoming game on the fifteenth. If we go back tomorrow, she can train for a day at least, which is better than nothing.”

“Don't you think you're little use to your family in your condition?” Kyle tried to reason with her. “Besides, are you really in shape for flying, Ash? Your bones might've almost completely healed, but brain injury hasn't.”

“I can continue treatment in Orlando. And I can give my family moral support.”

“Ash, maybe we should wait until you can sign the discharge paper,” Ali said then. “You can hardly hold a pen now.”

“No. I'll sign with my fingerprint if I have to,” Ashlyn argued. “Come on Ali, I'm dying to go home. I'll recover faster at home. And Logan is missing her friends, I bet.”

“I'm pretty certain Logan and Apollo have started dating,” Ken Krieger commented from his spot on the edge of the bed. Kyle snorted a laugh.

“It just seems far too soon for you to hop into a plane and fly back to Orlando, love,” Ali said full of worry. “Investigations are still going in Philadelphia, and until just earlier this week you couldn't sit up on your own. Your head still hurts and you're still struggling a lot, and here you've got a ton of nurses and doctors who always know what to do if you're struggling. What if you get bad at home and we're alone?”

Ashlyn sighed as she understood she was just worried. Overly worried, though.

“Look, maybe I can go back to the hospital once in Orlando, but in Orlando, babe. Not here. I've been away from home for the longest time, between the VMAs, camp and everything in-between, I've been completely absent while a hurricane destroyed my home-town, and I need to be back and see with my own eyes everyone is doing fine. Sitting here doing nothing is maddening!”

Ali puffed, but nodded as she did her best to understand.

“All right. Fine. We'll go tomorrow, I'm going to talk with the doctor to get you discharged.”

“Thank you.”

The feeling of uneasiness didn't leave Ali even as she watched Logan whimper, bark and wiggle as she saw Ashlyn once again after so long and couldn't decide if she wanted to jump on her to play, or to be comforted because she missed her so much. So Ashlyn leaned forward in her wheelchair and wrapped her strong, yet slimmer than usual arms, around the big dog that couldn't stop licking her and wiggling her tiny tail.

Truth was Ashlyn seemed to be doing usually well. Once in Orlando she could visit her therapist and feel better mentally and emotionally, take her mental health medication and see top quality physiotherapists and specialists to help her with rehab. She seemed strong, relentless, even when powerful headaches forced her to sit back for a little while. And a part of Ali wondered how long would this last, what would happen over time, stressing herself and getting anxious.

On one day that they were lounging in their house, Ali was absent-mindedly massaging Ashlyn's feet. She knew the younger woman couldn't feel any of it, but the physiotherapist sometimes did it to stimulate the nerves and relax the muscles, and so she thought she ought to do it as well. Her brown eyes moved from the TV they were watching to her fiancée lying on the sofa with Logan on top between her arms, and she smiled sweetly.

“You guys are so cute,” Ali felt the need to express. Ashlyn chuckled.

“Team Krieger-Harris is always the best team.”

Nodding in agreement, Ali leaned for a kiss before moving Ashlyn's feet from her lap and standing up.

“I'm going to shower. Will you be okay here for a bit?”

“Sure.”

“Do you need to use the bathroom?”

“Ali, it's fine. I'll be just chilling here.” Ashlyn reassured her. Ali was still not too happy about leaving her alone.

With the brunette gone, Ashlyn turned the TV off and closed her eyes, as Logan licked her face. She was feeling a slight headache, but felt instantly comforted by the sofa, the quietness, and their dog.

Meanwhile, Ali washed herself thoroughly, loving the pleasure of a long hot shower for once, as they had become shorter and shorter during the time Ashlyn had been the sickest. Then, as she dried her hair, she heard Logan barking. She frowned, as the dog rarely barked. Logan was more the chill and lazy type of dog, usually enjoying naps and sniffling other dogs' asses rather than barking at them. And there weren't any loud sounds or storms to trigger the barking.

“Logan! Shut up!” Ali shouted, putting on her clothes, because she still had to walk Logan after dinner. “Loggie!” but the dog kept barking insistently, so Ali went out, her hair still damp, and barefoot, but dressed.

As she entered the living room she didn't understand the problem right away. Logan was standing by the sofa where she and Ashlyn had been, barking furiously towards the sofa, and when she saw Ali, she ran to Ali and made a crying howl. Ali, stupefied, looked up at Ashlyn, believing her to be asleep despite the barking, and then she realized.

Her body was shaking almost imperceptibly, with muscles clenching and unclenching, fingers extending a little and contracting, jerking rapidly and non-stopingly, and Ashlyn seemed unconscious, with her eyes flickering gently. Logan stopped barking and pressed her belly against the floor, looking at Ashlyn and letting out a cry.

“Ashlyn,” the word slipped between Ali's lips with anxiety and Ali ran to her fiancée. “Ash!” she shook her gently, but she wouldn't wake up.

Ali remembered back in the hospital of Virginia, Ashlyn's doctor there had told her what to do in case of seizures, as people with TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) usually experienced one at some point. Breathing deeply to avoid panicking, Ali diagnosed this had to be a seizure, and gently rolled Ashlyn on her left side, keeping a hand on her to make sure she didn't fall off and kneeling in front. She checked her pulse, and made sure Ashlyn was breathing and her tongue wasn't blocking her airways. She looked for a watch, and saw Ashlyn was wearing hers, so she checked the time. Thirty seconds. A minute. Two minutes.

“Come on Ash... wake up baby...” the seizures didn't seem to stop at all. When Ali counted four minutes, and imagining there had to be at least another minute while she was in the bathroom, she reached for her mobile, that was charging next to Ashlyn's on the TV table, and phoned 911.

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Complicated.**

It was early morning when Chris, Carlin and David, Ashlyn's cousins on her father's side, arrived at the hospital to check on their very beloved cousin. Carlin and Ashlyn were practically best friends since childhood, as Carlin had been born very little after Ashlyn. The siblings arrived with their big cousin Chris as Ali sipped on a take-out coffee watching with tired eyes as Ashlyn slept on the other side of a glass wall, tucked in a bed as she rested from all the tests the doctors had performed during the night. Ali had a messy bun and bags under her eyes and as her soon-to-be brother-in-law hugged her, she felt hollow inside.

“What have they said?” Chris asked Ali with his deep voice, eyeing her below thick brown eyebrows as Carlin also hugged Ali.

“It was a tonic-clonic seizure, which are the ones that really shake people,” Ali explained tiredly, her voice a bare whisper. “The doctor said that it looks like there wasn't an infection or anything that could've provoked it directly, that it's just a late seizure from traumatic brain injury. The problem now is that it was a very long one, nearly twenty minutes long, and it seems like the brain damage has really, really worsened.”

“But she was fine,” Carlin said with a frown, her dark eyes full of sadness and worry as she looked up at her sleeping cousin.

“She was, but the doctor said brain injuries are often unpredictable, and it's hard to tell how much worse will they get or why,” said Ali, saddened. “When she woke up after the seizures, she didn't know her name. She didn't know who I was or which year it was, or even in which country she was.” She confessed, her eyes filling with tears.

Chris' eyes widened and he looked from his sleeping sister to Ali, wrapping an arm around the later and holding her close.

“Let's not panic,” said David, former addict who had been rehabilitated for seven years thanks to becoming a big devote of Jesus, God and the Bible, and now was the greatest believer. “Ashlyn's gonna be okay. God will help her, I'm sure she was just suffering the immediate post-seizure state, and just needed a good nap to feel better. The doctors will give her meds to prevent further seizures, she'll go home again, and be just fine.”

“David's right, we just have to stay positive, pray and trust the doctors, they're great here,” Carlin supported her big brother. “Why won't they let you into her room?”

“They're keeping her in an isolated environment so it's completely cleansed, bacteria-free and all, to make sure she doesn't develop an infection when she's so delicate and her immune system is weak.”

The four stared at the young woman who slept peacefully on the other side of a glass, just a metre from them, a metre that felt way too much.

“Ms Krieger,” a grey-haired doctor appeared, wearing glasses, a white coat and a soft expression. “I was about to check on your fiancée, you can tag along if you want. You just have to wash your hands with a special hand-wash we have, and put on a protective wear.”

“No problem, thanks,” Ali followed him and some nurses helped her put on a protective clothing consistent of a big tunic like plastic wear, plastic bags on her feet covering her shoes, a plastic bag for her hair, and finally they gave her the special hand wash.

Ali stood back while the doctor from Orlando Health checked the IVs, the machines, looked for fevers and made sure everything was in order and at last, he stood back reading Ashlyn's chart and Ali stepped forward and caressed Ashlyn's hand, that was on her belly over the blankets.

It broke her heart to see Ashlyn like that, and to think that it was all because of some royal brats who had homophobically attacked her, enraged her big time. She knew Ashlyn was already struggling internally with being disabled, and didn't even want to think of how she was gonna be if she lost more capacities. The brain scans had shown there were damaged areas that had worsened and swollen after the seizure, but Ashlyn had been in an out of sleep, as it was common after such a big seizure, so they hadn't really gotten to check it out.

Like magic, Ashlyn's eyes flickered open and fixed on Ali with a slight frown as she released a small moan. Ali gasped and sat by her bedside, and the doctor looked up and walked closer. After a few seconds of checking her vitals, the doctor smiled warmly at Ashlyn.

“Hello Ashlyn, how are you feeling?”

“Uh?” Ashlyn frowned lightly at him. “I... mmm...” she hesitated, finding it hard to form words. It was like her brain was just too groggy.

“Are you okay, love?” Ali asked her sweetly, caressing her cheek. “You gave us a bit of a scare.”

“What... what's this place?” Ashlyn asked then, her voice hoarse, looking around.

“The hospital. You had a bad seizure last night and your fiancée here made sure you got the right medical attention,” said the doctor. “I'm Doctor Hawthorne.”

“My... fiancée?” Ashlyn looked confused at them and Ali felt anxiety rise in her belly. “But I've got no idea who she is. Is she Ashlyn? You mentioned an Ashlyn before.”

The doctor and Ali exchanged an anxious glance, Ali's filled with panic as well.

“Baby, you are Ashlyn. And I am your fiancée, Ali, remember? We've been together nearly a decade, my love. We're getting married in three months.”

“But...” Ashlyn looked tired, and let out a long sigh, looking confused. “But I don't remember any of this. I've no idea... married? But I don't even know my name. Why don't I know my name? What's wrong with my legs? I can't feel my legs, doctor, I can't...”

She started getting anxious and before her heart accelerated too much, the doctor calmed her with breathing exercises. At last, he was able to explain.

“Ashlyn, about a couple weeks ago give or take, you were victim of an assault that left you paraplegic and with some brain damage. I'm so sorry. Your Traumatic Brain Injury seemed to not be giving you so much trouble, so we released you to go home, and after a few days, a severe seizure happened last night. They're common on people with brain injuries and although often they don't seem to cause further issues, in this occasion it did. Your brain has swollen more now and it seems like you're experienced severe amnesia because of it, but it doesn't have to be permanent. Try to relax, and we'll take care of you.”

But Ashlyn's eyes had widened enough.

“Relax?!” Ashlyn looked incredulous. “I don't have a clue who I am. I've forgotten everything, you're telling me I'm fucking paraplegic, I-!”

“Ashlyn,” Ali stopped her, and wrapped her hands around one of Ashlyn's, “take a deep breath. In... one, two, three, for, five, keep inspiring, six, seven, eight... now release... that's good,” Ashlyn did as she indicated, feeling an unexplainable connection to the brunette. She imagined a part of her brain must know what Ali meant to her as a fiancée, even if Ashlyn herself couldn't remember it. “Once more, come on...”

Again, Ashlyn calmed down, although she still seemed a little on edge, but tiredness was taking over.

“This is a disaster,” Ashlyn whispered, her eyes glassy. “This cannot be happening...”

“Doctor Hawthorne, would it be okay if I stay alone with her for a bit?” Ali asked the doctor, who nodded.

“You've got a couple hours.”

As the doctor left, Ali turned to Ashlyn and smiled gently, trying to stay calm herself, contain her emotions, her fear, her anxiety, her worry.

“Look, you may not remember now, but it doesn't mean you won't eventually. Your brain has just gone through a lot since last night, let's leave it rest, uh? All you need to know is that you've got a big family and dozens of very good friends who love you and support you wholeheartedly, and all of us are going to do our very best to take care of you, and help you recover. You're not alone,” Ali reassured her softly, as Ashlyn's eyelids became sleepy and she lied flat on the bed.

“What if... what if it's permanent damage?” Ashlyn looked down at her hand between Ali. “This is so bizarre... I feel your hands, but mine feels so weak I can't will myself to move it...”

“Patience,” Ali said, trying her best not to worry more with her comment. “Slow progress. You're just experiencing some stiffness and weakness, which I'm sure it's normal after the big seizure you've suffered. And if for whatever reason the damage is permanent... well, even if you don't remember me,” Ali's eyes turned glassy unavoidable as emotion started to overcome her. “I love you so much, and I will always be by your side. I'll make you fall in love with me all over again, and I will always help you. Ceremony aside, you're my wife, Ashlyn. I love you as such. Our relationship is serious as such, too.”

Ashlyn looked at her somewhat groggy, as if she was closer to falling asleep than anything else, but at last she smirked sightly.

“This will sound crazy, Ali, but... even though I don't really remember you, being here, with you... it feels good. As if I'm a little less miserable now and... it makes me wonder what I did to get a wife as beautiful and loving as you.” Ali beamed at her and leaned to kiss her cheek.

“You wooed me from the start with your beauty, your kindness, how funny and hardworking you are...” Ali looked at her so fondly Ashlyn couldn't help but feel her face warm. “Trust me, you only deserve good things. And we will help you be okay again.”

Ashlyn nodded tiredly and managed a small smile.

“I'm very tired. I feel so heavy.”

“That's okay. Sleep now. I'll be here.”

When Ali's time to stay there ran out, Ashlyn was deeply asleep, so she left the room only to stay outside the glass with the family, where she could see her future wife clearly. She told Ashlyn's brother and cousins all they had spoken about, and in the end they sat on waiting chairs, looking at the sleeping goalkeeper. Both David and Carlin were grown-up adults and conscious of the gravity of the situation, so there was no need to soften things up.

“Doesn't she seem like in shock?” Carlin commented in a bare whisper, as if she didn't have the energy to speak up. “I mean that if I woke up one day with such amnesia and unable to move, I'd freak out completely. She seems pretty calm, and has been these past days in Florida.”

“Maybe she's just so drugged-up and sleepy, and so exhausted, that she can't quite react the way we'd expect,” suggested her big brother, sitting by her side. His cross chain shun when he moved and the light reflected on the metal.

“That's true, although it wouldn't be odd if she was also experiencing some shock,” said Chris. “We've got to realize that even though right now her physical health is the biggest concern, mental health will be a cause of concern eventually. After all, she doesn't remember anything _for now_.”

Ali nodded in agreement, furrowing her brow as she looked at Ashlyn. By then, she had become familiarized with the anxiety building in her chest, and it felt more like an old friend.

  
  



	7. How to come back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,  
> I am updating some stories now, I'll slowly update more and more the next few days. I'm very sorry for the delay, I've just been writing stuff, relaxing, reconnecting with my mother as I didn't live in my hometown since last Autumn, and well, with myself.  
> So first things first, thanks everyone for all your comments and support, always. I think I've responded all comments and also I've been talking with some of you in my Tumblr Jantebellum, which has been really nice so if you've never left a comment or chatted with me in Tumblr come say hi, I don't bite :) also I wanted to invite you all to read this post I wrote https://jantebellum.tumblr.com/post/616297711696822272/my-take-on-ao3-and-fanfics it's a bit long but in it I'm talking about my writing process with fanfics, about my beliefs in fanfiction and about Archive of our Own, so you might find it interesting. And I know you're shy and I'm shy but PLEASE hit me up with any sort of conversation. Now that we're all so isolated, I really want to reach out to all of you, make sure you're all doing okay, bring my support and encouragement to you and hey, it's going to be okay, uh? This is just those dramatic ten chapters I always write but remember, the story always ends okay, even when you think there's no way. And if you feel lonely or anything, I'm here.  
> Much love everyone.  
> J.

**Chapter 7: How to come back.**

The next day, Ashlyn was moved back to a normal room in a private, more discreet area of the hospital so fans and paparazzi wouldn't find her, and she was assigned a new specialist in TBI and psychological trauma, the neurosurgeon Doctor Chloe Bennett. Dr Bennett was a tall woman in her late forties, with strawberry-blonde hair usually loose or in a messy bun, and bright blue eyes. Ali read about her and saw that she was a very experienced doctor who had done plenty of investigations that had given her countless prestigious awards. She was very well-considered inside the community of doctors specialized in the brain, respected amongst her peers and had an impeccable curriculum. She had come from Miami after hearing from Ashlyn's doctor about her case, and as a woman happily married to another woman, Dr Bennett had considered it a personal business to help someone who was in such a terrible situation due to homophobia.

She appeared the next day, had a long conversation with Ali and the rest of the family about Ashlyn's medical record, story, and symptoms, a long meeting with the previous doctor, Ashlyn's physician, and via computer, with every other doctor who had attended Ashlyn, then took her in for a few tests, spoke extra long with her, and finally retired for a couple hours to put her thoughts in order. At last, Dr Bennett returned as Ali was in the hospital cafeteria enjoying some coffee with her parents, Ashlyn's parents, Chris, Kyle, Carlin, Corey, and their friend and former teammate Abby Wambach and wife, writer Glennon.

“Hello, may I join you?” the doctor said with a bright smile as she found them in the cafeteria. They had already made all the introductions earlier in the day.

“Sure, is everything okay? Ashlyn was just asleep, we were told we could come back in a bit...” Ali said anxiously, frowning instantly. But Dr Bennett smiled at her and shook her head, sitting down at their table with her own coffee.

“I just saw her sleeping peacefully, so don't worry,” Dr Bennett added. “I just never liked my colleagues' approach to families all so serious in an office. You guys are stressed and anxious enough, I'm sure, so I thought talking with you here would be better.”

“We sure appreciate it,” Tammye, Ashlyn's mum, sat next to her. “Ali told us you've taken interest on her case and are studying it and taking over, have you got good news then?”

“I don't have bad news,” Dr Bennett said. “What always fascinated me of neuromedicine is that it's a particularly difficult puzzle and every case must be treated as a completely different one, one must never believe two apples that fell from the same tree will go on to be the same. Ashlyn's doctors, they've been great doctors and they know their job, but this case certainly requires a level of expertise and experience that they don't quite have. They couldn't help looking at Ashlyn looking for similarities with known territory, and that's not how we help her. I, however, have more unconventional methods, and prefer to start from scratch. I don't care how other patients with similar injuries developed and healed, I only care about her, and after studying her case all morning, which I find fascinating, personally, I think there is a chance she could actually accomplish a great level of recovery. But, I think she also should not play sports professionally again. Not even in the disabled category. Of course, that's not something I'm going to tell her now. Right now is not the moment we tell her what she's going to lose, right now is the moment we slowly warm her up to how life is going to be. Because she's going to stay alive, I don't see any immediate threats to that, but the person she was, the Ashlyn you knew and the life she had, are all dead forever.”

The table breathed in a mixture of relief, sadness and frustration, and the anxiety could be felt.

“We knew she wasn't going to be the same but... she was okay, doctor,” said Chris, “I saw her two days before the seizures. She was doing well. Didn't look so bad.”

“But she was. See, the problem with these things is that we only see the surface. The brain is still a tremendous mystery for medicine, so we start off by only being able to know about as much as medicine has discovered so far, which is not so much to begin with. And then add trauma, disrupting the brain's normal way of working, and it's like if you had many colours perfectly separated, then something hits the bucket and mixes them all up, and then you have to try and extract each colour just right. You can't. And you can't even see them and recognize them anymore. The seizure isn't the reason why Ashlyn's brain is worse, the seizure is a symptom that her brain wasn't so fine to begin with. It's not that it was an error to discharge her, she requested it and she was stable and good to go, but the brain is unpredictable. We can never assume it's okay. It's like a traumatized Pitbull, maybe it looks good and sweet, but there's still trauma, and you never know what will trigger symptoms of it.”

“So what triggered the seizures?” Ali inquired then, wanting to avoid a repetition of the events.

“There's no way to tell. Maybe she overdid it for the day without knowing,” said the doctor. “Maybe her brain had been progressively swelling and not really recovered since she was discharged. There's also the fact that here in the hospital she's in a safe bubble where she doesn't need to think, and nurses and doctors are all over the place twenty-four hours to help. At home, she's left with a computer that doesn't quite right, and everything becomes way more complicated than she probably thought it could be. That could lead her to quickly overstress her brain with the most mundane things without knowing.”

“But she was resting. I didn't let her do anything extenuating,” Ali said, confused.

“Just existing is extenuating, Ms Krieger,” said Dr Bennett with a compassionate expression. “If she sits, she'll think. You can never really shut the brain up, can you? Thinking becomes too much activity, but no one can really help it. Light bothers, noise bothers, more extenuation. She tries to remember stuff, more effort. Trying to express herself, more effort. Talking, more effort. She's just in a situation where even the mere act of lying down and think, even if she's alone in a quiet dark room, can be a lot to handle for the brain. It's still bandaged and bruised and recovering, and it doesn't get to rest for a while. You cannot put a sling in the brain until it heals. It just has to keep working, straining and stressing, until it becomes easier. In athlete language, it's basically like asking a person who just got injured with an ACL, to keep playing 90 minutes of football in a World Cup level.”

Carlin groaned just imagining the pain that would be.

“So what can we do?” inquired Mike, Ashlyn's Dad. “Just leave her in the hospital indefinitely?”

“No,” replied Dr Bennett. “Right now she may be in drugs that keep her mostly asleep, but the minute we start taking them away, which will be starting today, we're back at the same thing. No, all you can do is get used, and help her get used, to not being okay. To headaches that may not resolve with some Advil, to being tired and exhausted even when she's been resting all day, to mood changes that are completely unpredictable, to physical disability that may or may not vanish with physiotherapy, to physiotherapy routines, to everything being just so incredibly hard. Memorizing things, painting, giving a thumbs' up, grabbing a fork, sitting up... all those things suddenly taking a village. What I need to do now is teach her to identify the first signs of when she needs to just go and take a nap, realize she's going to faint before she does so she has time to lie down and not hurt herself more, see the first signs of seizure, that can sometimes happen with one being conscious, just... learn the herself as she is right now. And then, when she's stable with herself as it is now, we can start really working on rehabilitation.”

“So you're not going to do rehabilitation from the start? That doesn't make sense,” Kyle commented with a frown, not trying to be rude, but confused.

Dr Bennett simply chuckled.

“I can't, Mr Krieger. I don't take a drowning toddler and teach them how to float, because as they're drowning, they cannot focus to learn that. They're panicking and dying, what they need is to know what to do to not get in a worse situation, and calm down enough to think and help themselves. Then maybe you can start by telling them to kick the legs and get some impulse up, and once they get the head out of the water, you can try showing them tricks to stay afloat with less work and effort. The same thing is what we need to do with Ashlyn. She is drowning. We cannot lie and say she's going to be swimming like a pro by tomorrow. We cannot grab her and hold her afloat. She has to get there on her own, and for that what's important right now is to keep her from panicking, help her learn what worsens things and what relieves them, and once she has the head out of the water, work on teaching her to actually swim. May take a few months, may take years, but we cannot jump steps.”

Ali nodded slowly.

“All right, I think I get it,” Ali said. “But... can we really take that time, though? The people who hurt her are still mostly, away, Ashlyn hasn't been able to give a proper testimony yet, our wedding is in three months... do I cancel the wedding? Should I?”

“Right now we go baby steps. Let's not attempt to take it all in at once, all right?” said the doctor gently. “We start by the basics. Helping her understand the ways her brain and herself aren't quite right, help her learn to grab a fork or a pen, sit up and get into her wheelchair and from it to a seat, bed, or the toilet, help her be comfortable and familiar with those things she has to do most. Don't release her until she has independence to do those things on her own. Meanwhile I've found her a therapist specialized in helping patients of TBI reconnect the memories, thoughts and ideas that go wild in their minds, so she can get that help before she's even discharged. Once she's stable in ground zero, we move to step one. Her memories will be then a partial priority not just because of the need of her as a witness, but also because memories will help her feel herself and feel comfortable and settled down, but we shouldn't become too obsessed with them. If some don't come back, they don't. If she can't help testify and those people get away, so be it. The priority needs to be her well-being, we cannot stress her so much about memories if it's going to be worse. And we stay in the present. Football and other future worries will be future's problem. We need to keep her as well-informed but relaxed as possible.”

“All right, I can do that,” Ali nodded in agreement, feeling more comforted by the doctor's experience.

“And about the wedding... I wouldn't say cancel it. She may feel worse if that gets cancelled. We could instead find a way to adapt her to her needs. Wheelchair-friendly, cancel everything that would be too loud, make it faster... and slowly warm her up to the kind of things that will happen in the wedding, such as music or people. For now, let's just try not to overwhelm her.”

They said their goodbyes agreeing to talk more later, and the doctor left to attend other patients, while the family strolled back to Ashlyn's room. The goalkeeper was now awake and sitting up in her bed with her back and head against countless pillows, while her legs lied outstretched in front of her. She looked sleepy in her pyjamas, and stared at nothing, as if she was just working to assimilate what was she doing there. Her hair, now pretty short because of the surgeries, was wavy and pointing all directions, partially because of bed hair, but also because the tiny scars that were forming were surgical wounds were healing made the locks part in odd directions.

She turned to them as she heard the door open and managed a small smile, with her hands on her lap.

“Can we go home now?” Ashlyn asked as Ali came to sit by her side, putting an arm around her shoulders and kissing her temple. “I feel better, and I remember our country, the American States.”

“The United States of America, babe,” Ali corrected with a playful chuckle, and Ashlyn nodded with a gesture of 'same thing'. “We were just talking with Dr Bennett, and she thinks is better you stay in observation until the specialists have helped you gain some independence, so when we get home you can move around better on your own and everything is easier for you.”

Ashlyn's brow furrowed.

“I want to go home,” she said more firmly, as if it hadn't been left clear from the start. “We can hire someone to help me in the house.”

“Well, it can't be for now, okay? Look what happened the last time we let you go when you wanted, your brain wasn't ready and you got seizures. This time we need to do everything we can do so you're better prepared to be outside, and your brain doesn't stress so much it ends in the hospital again.” Ali employed a tone that was gentle but firm, like that one uses with little kids who need to be chastised but not too much.

“Can she promise I won't have more seizures then? No. She can't promise I won't get worse, she can't promise there's an actual way to keep me on the road to recovery,” Ashlyn argued with annoyance and tiredness.

“She knows what she's doing, she knows this is going to be better for y—,”

“If my future is unpredictable, Alison, I'd rather spend it home rather than here!”

Ali blinked staring at Ashlyn, not becoming offended. She knew this was just brain damage and all the reasonable frustration and emotions that came with attempted murder. But in her outburst, Ashlyn had failed to say her name correctly.

“What did you just say?”

Ashlyn looked confused.

“What?”

“What's my name, Ash?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there's anything in particular you'd like to read about, I always accept suggestions and petitions, by the way. I'm always writing, and ideas are always welcomed.


	8. A world I don't remember

**Chapter 8: A world I don't remember.**

“Ali,” Ashlyn said, matter-of-factly.

“Yes, that's my abbreviation, but what's my actual name?”

Ashlyn seemed to detect then that she had failed to say it right before, but couldn't remember how it actually was. Not wanting for anyone to worry further and keep her longer in the hospital, as Ashlyn had been declared unfit to decide for herself, she tried to come up with the right answer.

“That's a trap question. You're Ali Krieger. That's all,” she side-smiled, keeping herself from saying 'Alison', as her brain was telling her to say but that she felt must not be the right answer.

However, Ali's eyes narrowed and she bit her lip softly.

“What's your full name, baby?” Ali asked then. They had thought Ashlyn's memory had recovered after initially forgetting quite the names and the information, but maybe she had just become smarter at dissimulating.

“Ashlyn Harris,” of course. She had heard everyone call her either Ashlyn or Ms Harris, and the triumphant tone she used was enough to let Ali know she didn't really remember by herself, she just remembered what in short-term memory, she had learned. “What's this about?”

“What's our street's name?”

“Ali, don't be ridiculous, I'm not feeling up for interrogations...”

“I'm not interrogating you babe, I'm just asking,” said Ali innocently. “Do you remember where we live?”

“It's uh...” Ashlyn shrugged, thoughtful, then felt herself grow anxious, looking at the others and seeing them try to make poker faces they didn't quite manage. How could she not know where she lives? She had to know. “I'm... not sure, I... wasn't it a plant name? Laurel Street, wasn't it?”

Ali let out a long breath of relief.

“That's where you lived as a kid, but I'll take it,” Ali kissed her cheek.

“Come on, I said it all right, I don't know why you worry so much...”

“Babe,” Ali looked sadly at her. “My name is Alexandra Blaire Krieger. You said Alison. And your name is Ashlyn Michelle Harris. Our street is Spring Isle Trail, in Orlando, while Laurel Street is in Satellite Beach. Your memory is still not quite there, I suppose.”

“It's a good sign you remember something as ancient as your address over twenty years ago, on the other hand,” Mike focused on the positive, smiling at his daughter as he sat by the bed.

Ashlyn let a long puff out and leaned forward, covering her face with hands that were still stiff and hard to relax.

“It's okay babe, we'll get there,” Ali said softly, rubbing her back.

“Yeah sis, don't beat yourself up,” added Chris calmly. But Ashlyn shook her head, with her face still hidden beneath her hands.

“We have to call off the wedding,” a muffled voice came from within her hands.

“Dr Bennett told me there's no need, so don't worry,” replied Ali. “She was confident you'd be well enough for that, we'll just have to tone down the party.”

“No, you can't marry me, I'm calling off the wedding,” Ashlyn said more harshly, and let her hands fall to her lap. When she looked back at Ali, her eyes were full of tears, pleading, and a sob escaped her lips. “I'm calling off the wedding.” She repeated with a tearful voice. Ali scowled at her.

“What are you talking about, Ashlyn? Look, if you don't feel ready for everything we planned, that's okay, we can just go to the council hall when you feel better and get it done that way. It doesn't have to be a party. We can do it whichever way you prefer.”

“You don't get it! You can't marry me! Not at all, I won't allow it!” Ashlyn was suddenly a little over the place, and when she sniffled, Ali knew this wasn't going to be a public thing.

“Can you give us a moment?” Ali asked the group, that immediately stood and left. Then, Ali turned to Ashlyn, who was openly crying, and took her hand with her free one. “Ash, my love, talk to me.” She said with as much gentleness and softness as she could muster.

“We cannot get married,” Ashlyn sobbed out as if it caused her physical pain, taking deep breaths to try and calm herself. “You should marry someone else.” She added lowering her voice.

Ali took a deep breath to keep herself calm and moved to sit on a chair by the bed, taking both of Ashlyn's hands between her own and looking at her in the eyes.

“But I love you. You're the one I want to spend my whole life with,” said Ali. Ashlyn locked her hazel eyes with hers and Ali hurt from seeing so much pain there, in the tear-filled eyes of her fiancée.

“You and I had a story and a life together, Ali. I'm sure it must've been incredible because despite my level of head injury, I still feel it all in my chest when I look at you, and I know I love you, I know I trust you, I know I want you,” said Ashlyn, her voice pained and broken. “Just like I feel it in my chest when I see family and friends. I feel the vibes and all. A... remnant of memory, I suppose. I feel who made me laugh and who made me feel good or bad. Like a residue of something is still there. Like when you read a book and years later maybe you can't quite recall it, but you know how it made you feel and how much you liked it or not. That's the way I see the world now, Ali. I don't really remember much... I don't remember putting this ring in your finger,” she explained, looking down at Ali's engagement ring. Ali felt a knot forming in her chest at the new information. “I don't remember our dates, playing with you... I don't even remember playing, really. I don't remember walking Logan, I can't recall doing anything with my family, or friends... I can't even recall myself. I don't know my favourite colour, the drinks I like, the animals I like, the things I'm good at or even my political opinions. I don't know me, let alone... anybody else. I'm a shell of whoever I was, you all know that Ashlyn save for me... and now, for me, all I can do is bury that person, disappoint you and hurt you all when you realize your fiancée, friend, daughter, sister... is dead... and refill this shell with whatever I can turn out to be, hoping you'll like it enough to be some consolation.”

Ali could've sworn her chest physically, literally, broke. She felt the pain inside, and she felt herself let out a choking sound, yet she hadn't died. She was alive. But when she looked at Ashlyn, she wasn't even quite sure she recognized the love of her life in that broken woman. Yet then she noticed how honest Ashlyn truly was, that she could understand the pain in the hazel eyes was because she really did love Ali, without remembering how or why, and was dying from hurting her. And just like that, everything was easier. The defender took a deep breath, cleared her thoughts and climbed back on Ashlyn's bed, wrapping her arms around her and holding her close.

“It was a year ago today,” Ali whispered to Ashlyn's ear as she held her. “The league had just finished for the year, and it had been a shit year for our team, the Orlando Pride. Close your eyes and imagine a white Land Rover...”

“Land what?” Ashlyn whispered, relaxing against her embrace and closing her eyes.

“A big car,” Ali smiled, closing her eyes too and feeling her nod against her clavicle. “We used to take it and go everywhere on excursions. The beach, more frequently. And Logan always came with us.”

“Our doggy.”

“Yeah, exactly. And on this occasion I was wearing a bathing suit with a little too much cleavage, beige with black dots in the upper part, and black below, can you see it?”

“You must've looked so beautiful.”

Ali smiled bigger.

“And you did too. With a Hawaiian shirt I got you in Hawaii years ago. Colourful. And your hair was short like it is now, and all wet and messy from the water. We bathed in Clearwater Beach, west Florida, playing with Logan, and then we dried while having a picnic by the rocks, and I fixed my make-up because the lightning was so good I wanted to take pictures. And you started joking about it, teasing and making me laugh, we were having so much fun. We started taking photographs of each other and I tried to take a selfie, with the views behind me.”

“What's a selfie?” Ashlyn asked innocently.

“A self-photograph,” said Ali, patient, “with the phone.”

“Oh. Logical.”

Ali pressed her lips against her shoulder before continuing.

“Then you put an arm around my shoulders and you were blocking the view, so I told you to move, and when I turned to look, you had this mischievous smile with that cute dimple of yours, and you opened your hand and there it was, this beautiful ring.”

“Were you surprised?”

“Oh, very. We had discussed marriage, but I hadn't been thinking about it for a while, so I didn't expect you to propose right then. I don't think you were either, 'cause later you told me you were waiting for the perfect moment, carrying it everywhere just in case, I think we were just having so much fun that you just said now's the time, you know?”

“Spontaneous of me,” Ashlyn nudged against her neck, finding the scent of Ali familiar and relaxing.

“Very. I was so shocked for a moment that you had time to get on one knee, and you told me you loved me, and wanted to spend your whole life with me, and said, 'so, if you feel the same way, would you marry me?'. I knew it was a yes for years, I didn't even have to think. We couldn't stop grinning for days after, and actually, we were so over the moon in that moment we threw caution by the wind and had sex in the car, with Logan sleeping further back.”

“Woah,” Ashlyn snorted a laugh, tickling her neck. “Did I make you happy, then?”

“The happiest. You've always made me the happiest.”

There was a quiet moment, but Ashlyn ended it quickly.

“I'm sorry about all of this, Ali. You deserve better.”

“So do you. And you don't need to feel sorry, this isn't your fault,” Ali pulled apart and cupped her face, seeing the exhaustion in the hazel eyes. “This doesn't change that much for me, Ash. I still love you. I still want you. Who cares if things change, if you're different? We're both different. We've been together for nine years, we're very little like we were at first... and we'll be drastically different when we're both old and wrinkly. This is just sudden change, but the essence of us is still there. The Ashlyn I love, the Ashlyn who makes me happy, hasn't gone anywhere. And I'm not afraid of change. We've had so much change happen to us these years, and we always got through it because we had each other. We never promised to stay the same. That's not what marriage is about. But we promised to do our best every day to keep making the other fall in love with us all over again. You're the only person I want to woo for the rest of my life, Ash, so if you're in it... I'm in it.”

  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://jantebellum.tumblr.com/post/616566533139873792/thank-you


	9. Be my forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Currently accepting any krashlyn fanfic suggestions, ideas... for future fics! i miss writing :(

**Chapter 9: Be my forever.**

Ashlyn observed her for a long moment, but something in her gut told her Ali wasn't fooling around.

“But... how are you gonna be happy with... me? I'm... I don't know anything.”

Ali smiled warmly.

“Luckily for you, I'm an expert on us, and I love discovering you, I could do it all over again. Who knows, maybe you don't even like coffee anymore. Look, we help kids discover the world and find themselves out... I'd love to help you do the same. For the rest of our lives.”

“You're just saying that now, when you see how hard I am, how difficult things get, you'll regret it, Ali,” Ali was already shaking her head, “no, you will, you'll hate me...”

Ali snorted and took her giant purse from a chair, pulling out a small notepad and a pen.

“I promise to love you unconditionally,” Ali said, writing it down on the notepad. Ashlyn looked confused at her. “To make you fall in love with me every single day. To stay even when our differences drive me nuts. To fight for us with the best I've got. To stand by you, no matter how hard the storms are. To take care of you in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer. To be a faithful, honest, respectful, loving, and loyal partner for life. To care for you through better and worse. To love discovering you all over again. To put our family first. To make you happy. And it's forever,” Ali signed down below and smiled, handing it to Ashlyn. “Sign.”

“What?” Ashlyn looked utterly confused. “I don't even know how to sign.”

“Just write your initials. A, H.”

“I uh... what even is this?”

“Ashlyn,” Ali beamed at her, her eyes glassy with emotion. “You're the love of my life. All the things you're worried I won't like of you... I'm a mystery to you too, just like you're to me right now. You'll have to love me. To stay, even when I drive you to drinks. To give me your best. To stand by me. To take care of me. To love discovering me all over again. To make me happy. And so will I. And marriage is a contract, right? So let's sign it, right now. And that way, no matter how hard life gets, we'll always have each other. Even if we end up in divorce because we discover we're not good at doing life together anymore. It doesn't have to mean we stop loving each other and taking care of each other and making each other happy, doesn't it? Not if we promise. And it doesn't have to be a piece of paper. It's a contract, just like a marriage one. But this one, is ours only. It's our valuable word, that we'll always have each other. We get to marry or not, that's secondary.”

Ashlyn couldn't help the smile that she got, shaking her head.

“This is absolutely mad,” Ashlyn said, but with great effort, grabbed the pen with two hands and slowly wrote Ashlyn Harris. Ali chuckled seeing she still did the 'A' the same as she always did, like a circle with a tail. “And it's forever.” Ashlyn repeated as she returned the pen. “What do we do with this?”

“I'm framing it and putting it on the wall at home the minute I can,” said Ali, carefully putting the notepad back into the purse. “So we can always remember today, over and over.”

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Damn yes,” Ali beamed at her. “Feel better now?” Unexpectedly, Ashlyn actually felt better. More sure of things. More confident Ali was in serious with her.

“Pretty much, yes.”

“So...” Ali dug in her pocket and pulled out a wide ring with three bands of tiny diamonds. “Maybe you don't even like it anymore but... would you please still marry me, Ash? If you're unhappy, we can always divorce. But please say yes because I cannot imagine myself ever spending life with anyone but you,” Ali looked at her with pleading eyes and Ashlyn grinned, giving her a hand to slide the ring.

“If you're this crazy about me I better say yes.”

Ali snorted a laugh and put on the ring, grabbing her face and kissing her soundly.

“I love you so much,” Ali whispered against her lips, with her arms around her neck. “You have no idea how crazy I am about you.”

“I'm beginning to find out,” Ashlyn said, wrapping her arms around her waist. “How come you had a ring ready? I thought we already were engaged.”

“Oh, that's just your engagement ring. They gave it to me when you were in the ambulance.”

“Oh, you're right, it does look familiar,” Ashlyn looked at it over Ali's shoulder. “Kinda cool bunch of rocks, isn't it?”

“Anything for my wife,” Ali kissed her again and Ashlyn forgot to breathe for a second, loving the feeling of those lips against her own. “Why did you play pretend and made us think you remembered more all these days?”

Ashlyn shrugged.

“You looked so crushed, I didn't want you to be sad. I guess as crazy as it sounds I do love you for real. Even though I can't remember why. But I'd like to stay and figure it out.” Ashlyn kissed her softly and Ali kissed her back. Even when they spoke, they did it millimetres from the other's lips.

“Wasn't it scary to live with a complete stranger?”

“No,” Ashlyn smiled small. “Somehow, you always felt like home. Always.” Ali crinkled her nose as she smiled happily and Ashlyn felt her heart skip a beat. “Do that again.”

“What?”

“That thing with your nose. I love that thing you do when you're super happy... are you super happy?”

Ali crinkled her nose again and kissed her lovingly.

“Very, very happy.”

Afterwards, Ashlyn was so tired Ali tucked her in bed and kissed her, staying with her until she fell asleep, before going outside to fetch their family, promising to be back. She found the family right outside, in the waiting area, looking anxious.

“Tell me there's still wedding,” Kyle said standing up. Ali grinned.

“The wedding's still happening, yes. We've reached the agreement that we enjoy getting to know each other so much we should just do it forever.”

“Oh thank God,” Tammye smiled, hugging her. “Is she okay now then?”

“She's sleeping, and there's something you should know,” said Ali carefully. “We've been talking pretty much until she fell asleep, and... she's confessed she hasn't remembered herself or anyone else much since she woke up from the coma. She has flashes now and then of things that suddenly come to mind but for the most part, she doesn't know anything. She didn't know what a selfie was, or how she likes her coffee, or how she proposed to me.”

As she expected, everyone there suddenly looked ashen.

“Wait, what?” Abby stuttered.

“But she's been fine up until the coma,” Corey pointed out, confused.

“She's done an Oscar-winning performance. Look, think of your most favourite childhood memory. Can you remember every little detail of it? No. But you feel how much you love it. You remember it's your favourite. You remember parts of it vividly. Same is happening with her now. She doesn't remember clearly anything about us, but she feels for us. She felt all we cared, she felt herself caring and loving us so much, she felt our connections and knew we were family, knew we were trustworthy and we wanted the best for her. And so she didn't want to make us sad and used the very few things she remembered to keep us believing she remembered it all. The other night when she seemed to forget everything all of the sudden it was just that she was too tired and unwell to pretend anymore, but now she's confessed it's really been blank for a while. But she says I felt like home, so she just wanted to go home with me and stay with me, because she felt safe and happy there. She feels the love for me and for us all, she just doesn't remember what happened to cause it.”

They stood in silence for a while, assimilating the words, and looked less ashen but equally preoccupied about the situation as time passed.

“It's actually not so weird,” said Glennon after a while. “I've read of cases of Alzheimer patients who, even though they had no memory, would keep telling their partners to marry them, and being happy when family and friends came over. It's like something in the brain doesn't forget what people make you feel.”

“Yeah,” Ali nodded. “I've got to find the doctor and tell her. You guys stay with Ash?”

“Sure thing,” Mike nodded. “I'm gonna have to tell her every fairy tale and bed time story in the books all over again, I better start soon.”

Ali chuckled and marched away to find Dr Bennett.

Mike wasn't kidding. During the next few days, there was a strict schedule, always the same so Ashlyn's brain would grow used to it better. Early mornings of physiotherapy and psychology, then long nap, then lunch, then visits, long nap, Dr Bennet's visit, friends and family's second visit, then dinner and bedtime. But every single time she got sleepy, Mike was there with a bedtime story. And Ashlyn loved it.

Sometimes, she'd stay awake, fascinated like a child, listening attentively. Other times she'd suddenly remember little bits and pieces and chime in telling the part of the story she remembered. And other times, she'd quickly fall asleep. But every day she loved it, and every night, as she fell asleep, she'd ask Ali once more if she still loved her, if she would stay. Ali would always answer yes, and kiss her goodnight. They were in forever.

  
  



	10. So this is me

**Chapter 10: So this is me.**

A month post attack, it felt as if they had been living in a hospital for a month. Ashlyn had been living in a physiotherapy and rehabilitation clinic for the past ten days or so, so it wasn't exactly a hospital, and it was much more comfortable for visits, that hadn't stopped a single day. And Dr Bennett was still studying her case and visiting several times a week, so they knew there was still hope for improvement.

Meanwhile, Ali did her life. Walking Logan, hanging with friends, working. Since Ashlyn was busy many hours a day with either sleeping or physical therapy or psychotherapy, not to mention massages, gym, pool sessions, and paraplegic support group meetings, she got to do her life normally and then visit Ashlyn as frequently as possible. Sometimes she'd be out of town for games, but there was always a relative or friends to visit Ashlyn for her, and frequent video-calls and emails. Ashlyn was learning to use a computer all over, and her phone, so there was that.

“Hi baby!” Ashlyn grinned at Ali as the brunette walked into the clinic one evening after having just arrived from New Jersey, where she had just had a game against the Sky Blue. The former goalkeeper was just sitting for dinner chatting with other disabled people, but she wheeled herself away from the table and towards Ali as she saw her come in, since family and friends were often welcomed for meals.

Ashlyn impulsed her wheelchair forward and raised her arms up with a grin as the wheelchair moved. Ali laughed and grabbed the chair before it collided with her, leaning to kiss Ashlyn as the younger woman wrapped her arms around her neck.

“Hi!” Ali greeted, cupping her cheek. “I missed you!”

“I missed you too! Sorry for the loss. I watched with Chris. But you were phenomenal!”

“Thank you babe. What's for dinner?”

They went back to the table.

“Fish! It's pretty good, actually. And this is my friend Ralph,” Ashlyn pointed to the black guy sitting across her. “This is my fiancée, Ali.”

“Hi, nice to meet you,” Ali shook his hand with a smile and he grinned.

“Same! Ash here won't stop drooling about you.”

“Ralph just came in today, I was helping her get acquainted with the facilities. He broke his back playing hockey.”

“Oh that's terrible,” Ali sat next to Ashlyn, filling her own plate. Ralph shrugged.

“Being sad about it won't return my legs, but I figured I could learn a thing or two here. Ash loves it here.”

“I do,” Ashlyn admitted. “Miss home a little, though. How's Logan?”

“She's great, misses you, I can tell. But you saw her this morning, right? Tammye said she came with her.”

“Yes, but she's my baby, I always wonder how she is,” Ashlyn said matter-of-fact, filling her mouth. “God this is so good! How was New Jersey, love? You must be so tired.”

“It's okay,” Ali smiled softly, taking a moment to just look at her fiancée, brushing a lock of hair from her forehead. “It wasn't as nice as here. You know, you're always way prettier than what my mind remembers.” Ashlyn chuckled and blushed.

“Smooth, Krieger,” Ashlyn said, and Ralph laughed. “You look real nice too, though.”

“Real nice? Come on, I want a real compliment.”

Ashlyn snorted a laugh but nodded, giving in and taking her hand. Her own hands were less stiff now, had more mobility.

“All right. You're more perfect and splendid than mac and cheese.”

“Oh my!” Ali grinned. “That _is_ a big one.”

“Seriously dude?” Ralph looked surprised.

“You don't know how much she loves mac and cheese,” Ali said.

“Exactly,” Ashlyn nodded, and got a kiss from her fiancée. That was one thing that hadn't changed; Ashlyn would sell her soul to the devil for her grandmother's mac and cheese.

After dinner, Ali pushed Ashlyn's wheelchair upstairs to her bedroom. Ashlyn was doing much better, her headaches were less strong and less frequent, she was only hyper sensitive to light and sound late at night and early in the morning, and she could hold forks and pens. She was relearning to write, and her handwriting was already similar to the one she used to have. She was a little forgetful, but still loved to crack jokes, even more since she had rediscovered memes and bad jokes, and dirty ones, which amused her incredibly. Since she didn't remember her life as a soccer player, or an able woman, so at least being disabled wasn't so depressing. After all, it was all she knew.

“Welcome to my kingdom,” Ashlyn joked as they entered her room. She wheeled herself to the bed, and Ali watched as her muscled arms rippled as she pushed herself up on the bed, using her torso and arm strength to sit on her bed. She pulled her t-shirt up over her head and moved her pillow to get her pyjamas from underneath. They had already crossed the barriers of seeing each other naked in the hospital or the house, so Ali didn't bother to look away. She merely smiled and imitated her, locking the door and removing her t-shirt, pulling a pyjama from her bag. It was usual for her to stay the night. “Just ten days more babe.”

Ali nodded, slipping under the covers next to her and wrapping an arm around her waist, kissing her softly while her thumb slid under the t-shirt of her fiancée and caressed the bare belly, up to the edge of her ribs, where she could actually feel her touch.

“I missed you so much,” Ali whispered against her lips.

“I can't believe my luck,” Ashlyn murmured, caressing her cheek as the brunette leaned over her. “I get to have the most gorgeous wife in the world loving me. And I don't even remember working for it.”

Ali snorted a laugh, supporting her head on her free hand to look down at the younger woman in the dark, as they had turned the light off.

“Do you really feel lucky?” Ali asked quietly. “I mean... you've got amnesia, you can hardly write or read, you get a little bipolar at times, you're paraplegic, you cannot continue your career...”

“You forget this is all I know,” Ashlyn answered. “I don't remember walking, running, swimming, surfing, skating... so I don't miss it. I can't miss football when I don't remember it. I can't miss writing, reading... it's true it can be frustrating and infuriating at times, to be incapable of so many things but... I take it one step at a time, like the psychologist advised. Babies don't dominate the world from the start either, don't they?”

A soft smile appeared in Ali's face.

“You're absolutely right. I'm so glad you're okay, although... it does worry me what's gonna happen when you remember stuff and then miss it.”

Ashlyn shrugged.

“We'll cross that bridge when we get there. By the way, did you know my physiotherapist is teaching me dance steps for our wedding? So I can dance in my chair.”

“Really?”

During the next long while Ashlyn relentlessly told her all about her new moves, making her laugh, until finally they both fell asleep, snuggled together.

Early in the morning, Ashlyn's mobile rang on her bedside table, waking her and Ali up.

“Who calls this early?” Ali groaned, burying her face in Ashlyn's chest.

“Dr Bennett,” Ashlyn said, rubbing her eyes as she read the screen. She pressed the phone to her ear. “Good morning, Doctor. Oh really? Oh... okay... well, okay, let me just get dressed. Thanks,” she hung up and shook Ali, who had fallen back asleep. “Wake up, princess.”

“What?”

“Dr Bennett says she wants me in her office ASAP. She says she may know how to fix my paraplegia.”

“What?” Ali repeated, sitting up and seeing Ashlyn sit up and get dressed. “I'm coming,” midway as she was getting dressed, she had a sudden realization and looked up at Ashlyn, who was manoeuvring herself in the ensuite bathroom. “Babe, did you call me princess before?”

“Uh... yeah, think so. Don't like it?” Ashlyn asked from the bathroom, door open.

“Yeah,” Ali smiled to herself, pulling her hair in a messy bun. “It's just, you used to call me that before the attack. 'Cause when I lived in Germany...”

“They'd call you Warrior Princess. Because you were so princessy, but your surname means warrior in German,” Ali turned and saw Ashlyn sitting on her wheelchair by the bathroom looking like a bulb just lit in her brain. “I remember that now.”

Ali grinned.

“Did you just remember it?”

“Yeah I... don't know, saying princess seemed natural in my tongue, I didn't even think twice. But just now I was thinking of how much of a princess you were that even in our team we nicknamed you princess warrior.” Ashlyn chuckled. “Crazy how memory works, innit?”

“Agreed,” Ali walked to her and kissed her. “Let's go, I'll buy us breakfast on the way to the hospital. My car's down in the parking.”

They reached the hospital in half an hour, having stopped to eat a little, and went straight to the office of Dr Bennett, an office they were used to visiting. Bright blue eyes and a big smile welcomed them as usual and they went into the small beige room and sat in front of the doctor's desk.

“Okay, so,” Dr Bennett went straight to the point, and they saw her desk was covered with Ashlyn's files and X-Ray scans. “You have a fractured L2 that is still healing, but it's looking much better. We've seen how when it fractured, there was damage done to your spinal cord, leaving you without feeling from the ribs down.”

“Correct,” Ashlyn nodded.

“I think I can fix it.”

“What makes you think that?” Ali inquired.

“Well the other day I was talking with a colleague in Sydney, and several years ago he and I did an experimental surgery in a similar case to fix the paraplegia of a young teenager. We succeeded. There are actually many cases of paraplegics who healed after spinal cord surgery or stimulation, but it all depends on how exactly the injury is. In this teenager's case, everyone had given up on him. Today, he's a professional lifeguard. In your case, we were discussing what could be done, we already tried stimulation and didn't work, we tried all the safe approaches and didn't work, but then talking we realized we could perform a variation of the surgery we performed on that boy and fix your paraplegia.”

“Wait a minute,” Ashlyn frowned. “How sure are you that you can fix it?”

“About 95%. He's coming from Australia already so he can get a better look himself, but I'm already pretty sure, and he's both intrigued and fascinated and wants to look closer.”

“What happens if you fail?” Ali inquired, taking Ashlyn's hand.

“Uhm...” Doctor Bennett sighed. “Well the treatment uses stem cells, and this hasn't been done as much, medicine is still investigating the use of stem cells to heal paralysis, but it has proven successful before. Problem with stem cells is that we'd need to use your own to prevent several complications that would otherwise arise, and yet there would still be risk of a thing called graft failure that is basically the body getting super ill post transplant, and killing you.”

“Oh, so you're saying Ashlyn's one chance to walk again could kill her?” Ali raised her eyebrows. “Great, well, we don't want it, thank you thought. Ashlyn is happy as she is.”

“Wait...” Ali turned harshly at Ashlyn, who seemed to be considering.

“Seriously? You were just saying how happy you were yesterday. How you can't miss what you haven't had. Baby, you're alive by a miracle, don't ask for more miracles.” Ali pleaded.

“But Ali, she did it successfully before. Others too,” Ashlyn reasoned. Ali felt anguished just at the thought of losing her.

“No, Ash, no. I almost lost you, okay? Have you got any idea of how afraid we've all been of losing you? And heaven wanted you to live, I'm not going to have you stupidly and unnecesarily risk your life now.”

“Can I think about it?” Ashlyn asked the doctor, who nodded.

“Take all the time you need, for sure.”

They left the hospital and Ashlyn asked Ali to drive to their house. They needed to talk.

  
  



	11. I want to walk

**Chapter 11: I want to walk.**

“How can you even be considering it?” Ali exploded as she poured them soft drinks, as Ashlyn couldn't really have alcohol yet because of her TBI. The younger woman had propelled up on the sofa and was hanging with Logan. “We're talking about your life! This is absurd.”

“Alex, please,” Ashlyn patted the spot on the sofa by her side and Ali sighed, sitting there and passing her drink. “Let's just talk, all right?”

“I just don't get—!”

“Alex,” Ashlyn said more sternly, “take a deep breath, uh?” Ali nodded and did so, holding her glass of sparkling water.

“I'm just scared of losing you,” Ali murmured at last. “Why do you even want to do it?”

“I'm not set in stone about it, babe,” Ashlyn sipped from her coke and put it down on the coffee table, petting Logan on her lap. “But uhm... I'm happy now, you know? Now, with amnesia, now, not knowing what I'm missing. But memories will come back, some of them are already coming back as you saw. Maybe not all will return, but a portion enough to make me more frustrated and sad about not walking, and then... I will wish to walk. Even now, I just... it's frustrating, my quality of life sometimes. I live in a clinic, not home with you, maybe it's temporary, but still. And even if it was, who's to say I won't be back. My day-to-day is a struggle, I have a catheter just to do bathroom stuff baby, I can't enjoy sex, I can't be as independent as I'd wish to, you have to take such big care of me... this is not the life I envision for us. I want to be able to be fully independent, I want to live here with you without needing for you to look after me so much, I want to go to the bathroom like anyone else, and enjoy sex, and I want to be able to have children with you and run after them and Logan, playing chase and stuff. It's just... just because I'm happy now, doesn't mean I will always be. When I watch our children run, I'm going to wish I could run with them. Swim with them. Surf with them. When I remember skating, surfing, goalkeeping... I'm going to be heartbroken I can't do those things anymore. And I'll want to dance properly at our wedding, you know? I know I should just be happy I'm alive but... what about the type of life I have? Eight hours of physiotherapy a day. Two hours of psychotherapy twice a week. Something as easy as getting on the bed turns complicated and exhausting. And to think that this is how the rest of my life is going to look like... it's depressing.”

“But it gets better, Ash. Look at your friend Jess, she's been telling you non-stop.”

“Jess wasn't an athlete. I was. Ali, I feel it in my chest, the need for activity. When I'm at the gym, even though I need so much help for anything, I feel alive. On the chair... I've just, for what I hear I've been rambunctious and sporty since I was five, and I feel that need for activity. The restlessness in my muscles and the boredom. The very little I remember I miss it, can't imagine when I remember more how much I'm going to miss it. My life was sports, Ali... even if not professionally, if I can't do sports anymore I just...” Ashlyn shrugged. “It's depressing, that's all.”

Ali pressed her lips in deep thought and sipped from her sparkling water, thoughtful. After a few moments of silence, only interrupted by Logan's tongue loudly licking Ashlyn's hand, she looked at Ashlyn and tried to put herself on her partner's footsteps. They were both so active, Ali had to admit that even for her it had been draining to sit around in hospitals and clinics for a month, couldn't even imagine for Ashlyn. She had been such a carefree spirit, loving the waves, and skating and, above all, football, and now she was bound to a chair and a catheter just to pee.

“Is it absolutely worth risking your life for?” Ali asked softly. Ashlyn sighed.

“If I wasn't sure it'll be all right, I wouldn't do it,” said Ashlyn. “But I have a good feeling about this. And if it goes wrong, and the worst happens and I'm either dead or vegetative or who knows... then nightmare's over, right? I'm free. I'll just be a martyr for the gays,” she half chuckled, “at least I'll know I died trying to have a full life as much as the one I knew as possible.”

“And what about those of us left behind? I'd bury you before even getting to marry you,” Ali couldn't help that her eyes got glassy with emotion, and Ashlyn sighed and took her hands, kissing them gently.

“If I don't do this, sooner or later I'll feel dead alive, my love. I already have to re-learn everything; reading, writing, using a computer, using my phone, politics, geography, science, literature... I practically have to re-do my whole education. If I'm also bound to a chair, and with my history of depression and all... I know eventually I'd just be dead alive. Depressed, struggling more than I'd ever want to... if I die in this way at least I tried to have a better life. If I just leave it be in resignation, I'll always wonder what could've happen and maybe then I won't have the ability to bounce back as I have now and surgery is no longer an option. Don't you think it's better to bury me for this than see me live without wanting to?”

Ali bit her lip and nodded.

“You're really sure it'll be fine, aren't you?”

“Yes. We need to have faith, baby. We need to believe my good luck streak will go on.” Ali nodded again.

“Okay then. I stand by you, I promised,” Ali kissed her briefly. “We'll do whatever it takes to get you some improvement in quality of life. Go get them shark.”

Ashlyn grinned.

“I love you more than oxygen,” Ashlyn sentenced, wrapping her in her arms. She'd worry about the surgery in another time.

The first step of the process was harvesting stem cells from Ashlyn herself. By Dr Bennett's recommendation, they would be obtained from her blood rather than bone marrow, with an 8h long procedure in the hospital that involved a needle being placed in each arm so that blood came out of one, passed through a machine that extracted the stem cells, and the rest of the blood then went on to the other arm to re-enter the body. Prior to that, Ashlyn would have to be medicated for five days to make her bones release the stem cells into her bloodstream.

Ashlyn decided quickly that she didn't want for Ali to have to stress about it while the NWSL was still happening, plus an Ali Krieger Football Camp in October. So because the Orlando Pride was most likely not going to the semifinals or finals of the NWSL, as it was last in the standings, it meant the league for Ali would end on the 13th of October, a Sunday just days after Ashlyn came back home from the rehabilitation clinic. So they fixed the start of the medication for the following Tuesday, on the 15th, the cells would be obtained that Sunday after Ashlyn's birthday, and on Monday afternoon, October 21st, they could do the surgery.

This way, there would not only be time enough for Ashlyn to regret it and stop it, but also enough time for her to update testament just in case, and recover from the traumatic injury she had sustained.

In the meantime, Ashlyn and Ali decided not to tell anyone until it was done, to avoid stressing anybody. They'd enjoy Ashlyn's birthday big time and then, if she died, Ali would tell their family she died trying to get a more full life, and if it all went well, Ali would get to tell them Ashlyn was no longer disabled.

  
  


  
  



	12. I want to fill my shoes

**Chapter 12: I want to fill my shoes.**

Early in October, Ali had brought Ashlyn to their house to spend the afternoon together and, after enjoying some cake and suntanning on the deck chairs they had inside their pool, they had lied in bed for a nap. Ashlyn had fallen asleep almost immediately, as her brain got easily tired these days, and Ali had dozed off shortly after, the sound of Ashlyn's deep breathing dragging her into slumber. However, it seemed to last very little.

“No!”

Ali's eyes snapped open and as her eardrums began to process the information they received, she detected Ashlyn had yelped and was now breathing hard between her arms. She looked up and, as she imagined, she saw Ashlyn looking like panicking, breathing rapidly.

“Ash? You okay babe?”

Ashlyn looked down at her and took a deep breath, nodding.

“Yeah I'm fine,” Ashlyn murmured, calming herself. “It's just... I was dreaming with the attack and... it felt so real it actually hurt.”

“Oh, my poor baby,” Ali frowned, moving to kiss her, cupping her cheek. “I'm sorry love. But it's over now. You're here, safe with me. It's over.”

“Yes,” Ashlyn nodded, burying a hand in her hair as Ali's head lifted a few inches from her chest. “It's just... Ali... what did they do to me? What happened?”

The defender sighed and looked down at her partner, wondering if it was a good idea to remind her of such terrible events. But, deciding it was better she warmed her up than if Ashlyn just woke up asphyxiating one day and grew more scared, she talked.

“We can't be really sure, but what the police thinks is that someone threw a plastic bag over your head from behind, and pulled back from it to close it around your throat and asphyxiate you,” Ali explained with a soft, gentle voice. Ashlyn nodded slowly. “And then a bunch of them appeared and they just beat you up, kicking you, punching you... when I first saw you afterwards you were a mess of bruises and blood.”

“Why did they do that?” Ashlyn inquired then. “Aren't I a good person?”

Ali's chest clenched painfully at the thought that Ashlyn would think she had had to be bad to deserve something like that.

“Of course you are. You're an extraordinary person, in fact, Ash,” Ali assured her. “You're kind and loving and funny. But you're with another woman, and... some people don't like that. They didn't.”

Ashlyn frowned and then Ali realized she had no concept of homophobia in her memory. She hadn't questioned twice why would date Ali be a big deal.

“Why would being with another woman be a problem? Don't others date same sex?”

“Millions of people do,” Ali nodded, supporting her head on her hand and caressing Ashlyn's face lovingly. “All over the world people date and marry same-sex partners, many even go on to become parents or grandparents even. But still, there are millions of people who think it's wrong to date same sex, Ash. People who would fire you for being with me, or try to kill you, as it's happened.”

“Why don't they go to prison?” Ashlyn asked, frowning.

“Oh, because a lot of very important people think alike, my love. We have a current government that encourages hatred against the LGBT community, which are those who date same sex, or the blacks, the Muslims...”

“The blacks? But they're just... black.”

“And because of that, many think them criminals or something,” Ali sighed. “Try not to think much about it love, it'll just give you a headache.” She kissed Ashlyn's forehead. “The world is too hard for us to understand, even for those of us without TBI.”

The heard a deep breath and looked down, smiling as she realized Ashlyn was back in Morpheus' arms.

Later that afternoon, Ali was explaining Ashlyn all about their job in Orlando Pride and the US Women's National Football Team, explaining her about fans, popularity, social media, Twitter, Instagram or Facebook, because Ashlyn had asked her what the hell 'followers' were in social media context and many other questions.

“See? These are all the many messages we get daily asking for updates on you, since we've pretty much gone underground since the attack,” Ali explained, showing her their notifications in her computer.

“Gone underground?” Ashlyn looked confused, and Ali chuckled.

“Not literally. Metaphorically, means disappearing.”

“Oh, I see. And what do you tell them?”

“Normally, not much. When they ask me after games, as I sign autographs, I tell them you're working on recovery, not ready for social media yet.”

“So, if I, say, was to go back to social media... what do I do? What do they want me to do?”

“Well, sometimes it's important just to make them part of our lives. You always say you're taking them with you for the ride, because they've been there all along, supporting us, sending us love and good wishes, going to our games which directly means we get to be paid because football without people going is nothing, and these people buy our merch and travel countries to see us,” Ali explained. “I'm very private, but you're usually quite open, even more so when we were younger, so you like to make tons of videos of like, the party back in July when we won the World Cup, and post them in Instagram and share the fun times. But you're also a fierce supporter of To Write Love On Her Arms, founded by your dear friend Jamie Tworkowski, who is also my friend, but was first yours because you went to the same high school and all. His organization helps fight depression and suicide, and really make a difference to help people with mental health issues.”

“Sounds very nice and powerful. Good of him!”

“Yeah, he's super kind and nice. He cares so much about everyone, and so do you. You're always driving me mad when we cross paths with fans or people who tell you you saved their lives, and you interrogate them, want to know all about them, especially about their issues, so you can offer advice and encouragement and help them. That's how good you are. But of course,” Ali shrugged, “it doesn't mean you have to keep being the same. I mean, after the TBI, it's completely understandable if opening up to strangers online it's awfully weird, it's always been for me. But every time something bad happens to us they're always sending all the love, see these messages? So even I try a little, and you should try a little. But it doesn't have to be much. Many of our friends are quiet in social media and it's fine. Fans understand each one's personality. They just miss you cause you always gave so much content and now, after the lives you touched so much you saved them from suicide, they get very worried thinking now you may be very sick or something.”

Ashlyn sat very thoughtful for a long while, as Ali continued reading messages they got, and even letters Ashlyn was sent daily and that Ashlyn herself, due to TBI, wasn't capable of reading for the time being. Ashlyn felt touched. She felt that whoever she had been, it had been a really good person, and she wanted to fill those shoes up again. To give back to all those strangers who cared about her and took a moment off their days to remember her, think of her, send good wishes, a letter, a message, a gift, anything.

“Ali,” Ashlyn said after a while. “So all I'd have to do is letting them in a little? Like chat on Twitter or post photos of my life?”

“Yeah, but careful. Not everyone is this nice. There are many trolls, which are those who only care about calling attention upon themselves by throwing hate into the world for no reason. They'll try to provoke you, take your elbow when you offer a hand, criticise you constantly. But we just block them and ignore them, okay? We don't allow them to take the best of us. We're public personalities, we can't throw tantrums online, we need to give an exemplar attitude, because kids look up to us. We don't insult,we don't get in online fights.”

“Sounds reasonable. Public arguments can't be good.”

“Exactly. And if they stalk too much—,”

“Stalk?”

“Yes, when they won't leave you alone. Like when we eat chicken and Logan glues to your leg and gives you sad eyes. We have to worry about our safety, love. Some people are nuts and would spend the day glued to our window, or try to break in, if we didn't live in a private area protected with a gate and private security. It's why we were so private with our relationship until March, because we were afraid of losing all sense of privacy, and because we were afraid of the judgement for dating same sex.”

“How were we?”

Ali spent an hour then, over a glass of wine, telling her all about the intricate side of their relationship and being popular, famous and public persona. She told her about their lack of PDA, why and how they kept their relationship secret, and in which ways they were public now. In the end, Ashlyn seemed to understand why they did things the way they did them, and agree with the Ashlyn she had been in August, before the TBI.

“Y'know what, I was thinking... I bloody like who I was. Helping people. TWLOHA, caring for others, giving back... I mean, we are so privileged, with money, fame, good jobs, a great house... we should give back. I think... I think I'd like to learn from the Ashlyn I was, and do my best to fill those big shoes again.”

Ali beamed at her, feeling herself fall more in love with her.

“Of course you want that,” Ali chuckled, leaning to kiss her. “Not even a broken skull could take away your selflessness, uh?”

Ashlyn half smiled, and shrugged.

“It's odd I don't remember any of my own storms. The poverty you said I lived in, my family struggles, the drugs and the alcohol... I don't actually know what advice to give anymore, since I don't remember shit. But maybe a hug would help them just as much, right? Or maybe... just telling them the world needs them. I don't think any of us would be here if it wasn't for a damn good reason, right?”

The defender nodded.

“You're just as wise as you ever were, believe it or not.” Ashlyn grinned.

“Can you help me read more letters? Like, teach me so I can do it? I want to hear their stories, I can't believe I meant so much for them. And I want to be able to answer. They must be waiting for an answer, right?”

“Oh, baby, they understand you get thousands of letters, no one really expects you to answer. You wouldn't have time. Even less now that you're slow at writing.”

“Let me try then. I'll handwrite some answers, even if they're short. I'm sure they'll be more meaningful if I do it by hand.”

And so for the rest of the day, they took paper and pen, and Ali helped Ashlyn read fan mail and write answers, promising she would personally make sure the answers made it to the senders, one by one. It was a very tiring and slow exercise, so they could only get about a dozen done before Ashlyn was terribly exhausted and several hours had passed by, but Ashlyn made Ali promise she would help her devote two or three hours of her time to this activity every single day until she had her surgery. She was determined to show up for those who showed up for her expecting nothing in return.

Another aspect of Ashlyn's recovery that was both exhausting and gratifying was getting to know her people all over again. She immediately had good feelings and vibes with her friends and family, and it didn't feel as uncomfortable as maybe she would've expected, and she discovered when they told her things she had forgotten they felt familiar and she realized she liked all of those people. She loved having dinner with Ali and their friends and family almost daily, getting to ask them a ton of questions without being impolite, listening to her grandparents' life adventures for hours, finding the parts of her old self that hadn't left her, like her love for her grandmother's mac and cheese, her affection towards her friends and relatives, her sense of humour with the same type of things, and even political ideas. Every now and then, her people would confess she was doing something 'very you', and she would know somehow, she was reconnecting with her old self.

But there were also new parts of herself coming up. Football was no longer exciting to watch, unless her friends were playing, or Ali. She got into reading, even if for the time being they were mostly easy-to-read things, due to her difficulty reading. She got into science, and would ask Ali to do little chemistry experiments she saw online, like make volcanoes that soon decorated their house as if a child lived there. She got heavily into Harry Potter, videos of cats, and became not just extra artsy, but also crafty. Ali caught her once making a map of Florida with play dough, watching a video on the tablet where a lady explained how to do it, and it soon joined the bookshelf of her artsy things.

She became fond of putting furniture up together, as in the rehabilitation clinic they had classes to learn skills and stimulate the brain, so they learned to fix stuff around the house, art, and even music. This made Ashlyn suddenly want to learn piano, and would spend hours in the rehabilitation clinic with her teacher there, learning it. It was called music therapy, and it was effective, helping her fingers become faster and more skilled, her hands be less stiff, helping her control her emotions better, calm her mind and racing thoughts, and giving her tons of benefits. She still loved the gym, and broccoli, even whiskey (even though Ali only let her have a quarter of a glass, because her brain wasn't that well yet), but she suddenly disliked beer, spicy things, and hip hop. Instead, she became extra fond of musicals, started cooking (even though often it ended in disaster, because her sense of taste had been altered with her TBI), and became more into water or soft drinks.

Whoever she was becoming, Ali found herself at times missing the old Ashlyn, but more often than not still seeing her there, and falling in love all over again.


	13. 100th times

**Chapter 13: 100 th times.**

On the first few days of October, Ali was due to play her 100th cap celebration game with the National Team against Korea Republic at the Bank of America Stadium in Charlotte, North Carolina. Ali had explained to Ashlyn how important it was, the milestone it was, and how it was usual for the family to come down to the field for the mini ceremony and a photograph with the player. She had shown her videos of other friends of them in the same event. Ashlyn was very excited for her, understanding it was a huge accomplishment, and wanted to watch the game live, but this was problematic for three reasons.

One, the brain injury was too recent and her head would metaphorically explode in the noise of a stadium. Two, no one knew she was bound to a wheelchair for the time being, she hadn't made any public appearances yet, and she could take the attention away from Ali. And three, her doctor didn't recommend her getting on a plane just yet, because of the depressurization. She had already flown to different hospitals before, but this was different; it wasn't a medical aircraft full of medical personnel.

The first problem they resolved it because Ashlyn decided she'd take a painkiller and stay at the private VIP rooms in the stadium with the rest of the family, where the noise would be a little muffled, or she could get headphones if it really bothered her, and she could stand it for a few minutes on the field with Ali. The second one was resolved because Ali didn't care about Ashlyn taken attention from her, she never really liked attention much anyway and she had already played her 100th game and gotten tons of attention that day, and besides, Ashlyn would only be there for a few minutes, which wouldn't take much. She would be far too happy and excited with Ashlyn being okay enough to be there as she always dreamed, so she'd be happy to talk about her in the interviews, to have her... not jealous. And Ashlyn decided that it was a good occasion to be her first public appearance since the injury, a way to show her attackers she was still thriving, and fans didn't even need to know the wheelchair could be permanent. If anyone asked, they'd say it was while she recovered from a fractured vertebrae, which wasn't a lie either. So fans wouldn't be that shocked, and attention wouldn't shift that much to her. And the third issue was fixed when Chris offered to take Ashlyn on a roadtrip to North Carolina, having a few days of sibling bonding as they broke the 7h ride into two days to make it lighter on Ashlyn and more enjoyable. The goalkeeper was excited and thus problem solved. She was already dying to see all her friends again, those who had visited her quite often.

To make things easier on the fans, and not be the big surprise of the night, Ashlyn decided it was a great opportunity to return to social media in the way Ali had explained to her. She relaxed on the night before the game with her brother in her hotel room, and selected three photographs. In the first Ali and Ashlyn appeared sitting on a hospital bed, and adoringly Ali had her arms around Ashlyn, who leaned against her chest, and they hugged each other lovingly. Back then Ashlyn had a bandage on her head still, and Ali had been comforting her. The second photograph was an old one of them both on their first camp, smiling at the camera, and the third, one of baby Ali kicking a toy soccer ball while adult hands held her own up to hold her so she wouldn't fall, as she must've been learning to walk.

“Don't I have the cutest fiancée?” Ashlyn murmured to herself, preparing to write a heartfelt caption. Her thumbs and texting had been improving a lot thanks to the therapies, so she hoped it wouldn't take her a billion hours to write it.

' _Tomorrow we celebrate you, @alikrieger. A sports legend since the crib, someone impossible not to love, a top class defender and an even better partner in life...! You've always been there for me, and I couldn't be happier to be there with you tomorrow night. You are an inspiration for all of us. Congrats on your amazing career! I know this is just one more of the many accomplishments in store for you. You are my forever. <3_'

“That's cute,” Chris said reading over her shoulder as she asked if it was well-written. “You're such a great fiancée, sis. So whipped.” Ashlyn chuckled.

“She's absolutely worth it all.”

The gesture warmed Ali's heart tremendously when she saw it, and simultaneously prepared their fans for the possibility of seeing her, even though they'd be super careful to avoid this, so Ashlyn wouldn't get overwhelmed. Ashlyn would see Ali's answer to her post in the morning, as Ali was with the team.

' _I love you so much and I'm so happy to have you with me tonight and forever and always! I could not enjoy this so much without my partner in crime. Let's do this forever!_ '

In continuation with her plan of preparing the fans, Ashlyn made sure to post a selfie with Kyle and Chris, the three wearing Ali Krieger gear and showing huge smiles, letting her wheelchair show a little.

' _SUPER HYPED TO SUPPORT THE BEST DEFENDER IN THE WORLD!!! YAY!!! #100_ ' Ashlyn captioned it.

Truth was as the moment come, she felt her heart heavy with adrenaline. But when she saw Ali's tearful grin looking at her as she enthusiastically rolled her chair into the field to join her with Kyle and Ali's parents, all the nerves vanished and she knew this was just what she wanted to do forever. Support Ali for the rest of her life.

“I'm so happy!” Ali beamed hugging her parents, Kyle and then Ashlyn, leaning to kiss her cheek hard. “I love you so much.”

“We've always done everything together, right? I wouldn't miss this for the world,” Ashlyn said happily handing her a bouquet of flowers as the stadium roared in excitement. But the noise didn't seem to bug her much if Ali was there. And Ali seemed ready to cry.

“Stand for the photo!” the photographer said. Ali wondered where to stand near Ashlyn, but to her surprise, Ashlyn pulled her onto her lap and Ali was photographed mid-laughter on her lap, with Ashlyn's arms around her as the younger woman smiled lovingly at her, holding the framed 100th jersey with her, while the Kriegers stood around. Ali couldn't be happier.

But that night, after a long evening of celebrations, as Ashlyn sat up in bed with Ali sleeping snuggled against her legs, Ashlyn knew she wasn't done showing Ali how special she was on her special day. She posted a photograph of Ali in the middle of a guffaw that she had taken that night, where Ali was wearing a jersey with her name and the 100 behind, and sitting on a sofa looking happy as hell.

' _You're a 100+ calls to the USWNT. But also the 100+ times you tell me you love me. The 100+ times that each day you do whatever it takes to make my life easier and happier. The 100+ times you laugh your beautiful laugh, the 100+ times you slept on a hospital armchair to be close to me when I needed you most, the 100+ times you told me it'd all be okay, the 100+ times you refused to leave my side, the 100+ times you made me the proudest to be yours, and the 100+ times you inspired us all to keep getting up and conquering the world even if it seems like it's all over. I guess you're more like a billion bucks than a 100, my love. But you're forever my 100+. Bloody well done, warrior <3 #100 #FireHerAndRegretIt #SheAlwaysBouncesBack #YouThoughtSheWasDone? #WarriorPrincess #TheWarriorWay_'

Ali, of course, wasn't going to be far behind. The next day, when Ashlyn was on her way back home and Ali was with the team, training as they had a game in two days time in Chicago, she took her free time in-between training to go to her hotel and have some me time. She thought of Ashlyn, all her romantic gestures in the past 24h, how much she did for her and how much she loved her, and couldn't help but want to scream it to the top of her lungs, even if she was usually so private.

So she picked several photos of Ashlyn's recovery process that weren't an invasion to privacy and that she knew Ashlyn, even her new Ashlyn, wouldn't mind her sharing. One of Ashlyn tucked in a hospital bed sleeping with a thick bandage over her head and a bruised face, one of Ashlyn and Ali throwing a ball back and force at the rehabilitation clinic, to help with Ashlyn's hands and skills, one of Ashlyn laughing as Chris did or said something funny while she had lunch in the hospital, her hand and head still bandaged, and one of Ashlyn and Ali's hands intertwined, showing both engagement rings.

' _Love, I hope you don't mind I brag about you so publicly, but I just want the whole world to know and see how truly amazing you actually are._

_We talk about bouncing back from concussions, ACL, MCL, other sports-related injuries, or even being kicked from the NT and coming back. But 36 days ago, I saw you be in a state that truthfully, I didn't dare to think you'd be here with me last night, celebrating my 100_ _th_ _caps. When you were in coma, I didn't even know if we'd get to marry in two months and a half now. There are still many things I don't know for sure, but what I am certain of is that you, Ashlyn Michelle Harris, have defied all odds. You're the biggest example, the biggest inspiration I know. You're a WARRIOR. I capital letters. You amaze me every day._

_All these days I've seen times when you were discouraged, or in the worst imaginable pain, or sad, or angry, or didn't even know how to be. I've seen you struggle with your brain, your broken back, trying to make sense of your new reality, going from full time athlete to full time TBI victim having to assume 10+ hours of different therapies and rehab every single day, having to assimilate life may never be the same, and that this whole thing happened just because you chose to love me, and some bastards decided that was some sort of crime you should pay the ultimate price for._

_When most doctors didn't have high hopes, you woke up from a coma and lived. When no one expected you to put on a smile, you did so. When no one expected you to get up from the bed, you learned to move into and out of the wheelchair, wheel yourself around, impress us all by fighting to be back into the road. And it wasn't because it was easy. As I said before, it's not easy. I know it's bloody hard. I see you leave your sweat and tears in the rehab, the gym, the pool, the support groups, the exercises... I see you when you get the most frustrated and infuriated, and I still don't see you throw in the towel. Because that's not an option for you. Because you keep saying you want to dance with me at our wedding, and marry me, and have a family with me, and run back and forth with our kids one day. You keep saying you want to live a full life, without restraints, without the pain, without feeling handicapped. And so I know you're unstoppable, I know you would've wheeled yourself to Charlotte if it had been necessary to be there for me, I know you will dance with me at our wedding, and I know you'll do whatever it takes to bounce back from this. And you'll do it, despite the hardship and your frustration, with a smile, cracking jokes, and telling me you love me every day._

_People don't have any idea what you're going through. People don't know you went into a 2-days roadtrip to be there last night for me because the doctor didn't approve you flying and a 7h car ride in one sitting wasn't a good idea. People don't know every day is not a good day, but you still try. And you do it all not for the glory of another medal, not for fame, not for money, not even for yourself... you do it because there are far too many things you want to do with me and our future family out of a wheelchair, so many games you want to come and see me in without headaches, and so many adventures you want to physically run to. You're not just a 100_ _th_ _. You're a World Cup Champion, an Olympic... and you prove every day that's just engraved in your heart, and in everything you do. You are jaw-droppingly amazing._

_You are my ultimate superhero, Ashlyn. I'm so proud of you, and I cannot wait to see how else you defy expectations and keep amazing everybody with just how far you get. And meanwhile, I find myself falling a little more in love with you every single day. What an honour it is to do life with you forever <3_'

  
  



	14. Just what you mean to me

**Chapter 14: Just what you mean to me.**

After a particularly rough game, Ali felt herself a little emotional. She had visited Ashlyn at the rehabilitation clinic, but the younger woman had been quite tired after a full day of activities, and so Ali had left her to sleep and returned home, to engage in an hour long phone conversation with Philadelphia police to get the latest news (they had arrested a total of six people by then, all related to Ashlyn's attack, and Ashlyn had been able to recognize the voice of one of them through a recorded voice), and then found herself checking old albums with Ashlyn while she nursed a glass of wine.

And just like that, there were tears in her eyes as her fingers caressed the picture of Ashlyn, and she found herself missing how their life was. Missing playing with Ashlyn, seeing her phenomenal saves live, seeing her be happy with other things, like spicy food, which the new Ashlyn was hating. But she knew deep in her heart that the old Ashlyn would tell her to have faith, to support her, to love her no matter the differences, and to believe she was still there. To keep reminding herself she hadn't lost Ashlyn, and she wouldn't 'cause the surgery would be okay, and that if only she believed in their happy ending, there would come a day when she wouldn't miss what they used to have, because their new life could be equally fascinating. She made an effort to think of that and keep her faith up, inwardly promising her old Ashlyn, as if it was a dead person, that she'd stay and help her find herself again, and their love would only grow stronger, until she fell asleep on the sofa, wrapped in a jumper of Ashlyn's while it rained outside.

The next day, Ashlyn had a surprise for her.

“I made you a playlist!” Ashlyn said beaming, handing her a pendrive as Ali went to visit her at the clinic.

“A playlist?” Ali grinned, excited. “I think you didn't make me playlists since our twenties.”

“Terrible of me,” Ashlyn said looking excitedly at her. “I just... often, I feel like... like I don't quite know what I feel or what to think, because there's so much going on in here,” she pointed to her head. “But in music therapy they're teaching us that sometimes one song can clear it all out. And it works, Ali. I've forgotten most songs I knew, some sound familiar, but no matter what... most are quite enjoyable.”

“I can see music therapy becoming our new favourite thing,” Ali kissed her. “Thank you, babe. I love this.”

“Do I make you happy?” Ashlyn asked, surprising Ali, who looked at her intently. Ashlyn looked suddenly shy, biting her lip as they sat down together in the garden of the clinic.

“Of course you make me happy. I'm marrying you, aren't I?” Ali said with a smile, putting the pendrive in her pocket and intertwining her fingers with Ashlyn's.

“Today in group therapy we were talking about how... how often, people with TBI change so much that their family and friends feel like the TBI victim died, and the person they are given in exchange is nothing but a disappointing that causes them so much pain that they leave,” Ashlyn commented sadly. “I've talked with a lot of people here who have lived that first hand. People with husbands or wives and kids, all of which suddenly vanished. Friends who stopped calling and then vanished too. Tons of loved ones who seemed to really love them, but then felt so conflicted with the new person the TBI victim was, that they would rather mourn them as dead, than see them again.”

Ali felt it like a physical punch in her chest. She knew those things too. She and some of Ashlyn's family and friends have been going to meetings with support groups of people who had a relative or a friend suffering TBI. In the meetings, the issue had been discussed.

“It's terrible,” Ali said. “But I'm not going anywhere. None of us is. As a matter of fact, our friend Hao is coming over from North Carolina now that she's retired, to celebrate your birthday!” She tried to change topics to her birthday planning, but Ashlyn seemed to really need to talk about it.

“Don't promise you won't go, Ali. It'll just break my heart more if you go.” Ashlyn sounded so sad, Ali couldn't stop herself from pushing her chin up gently with a finger to confirm that, as she thought, Ashlyn was on the verge of tears. Her eyes were already troubled and glassy.

“Ash, the people who go have TBI relatives much, much worse than you are. And it's cruel that they leave, it's horrible, but they do so because they really feel they lost someone they loved,” Ali said, cupping her cheek. “You're not that bad. We don't feel we lost you altogether. You've changed a bit, so what? You're still the same wonderful person we came to love once, and we still do. Everyone I've spoken with agrees that you're a little different, but equally lovable, fun, and with all the things that first made them love you. And I know your family and our friends well; they will not disappear. They love the new you just as hard, if not more, as they loved the old you.”

“I'm just-,” Ashlyn's voice cracked and she sniffled. “I'm so scared of l-losing you all,” she sobbed out. “I'd be s-so a-alone!” she cried, rubbing her eyes. “I don't know this world, Ali,” she rambled on as her chest clenched with sobs, “I have to b-beg you not to g-go, even if I'm difficult, please, d-don't leave m-me!” she took Ali's hand hard and looked at her with such anguish Ali felt herself shatter inside, hurting for her. “I didn't even know what C-Chirstmas was until y-yesterday, I'd sink in this world t-that's so strange t-to me!”

Ali moved to sit on her knees on the wheelchair, straddling her, and pulling her into her arm for a tight hug, clenching her hard and letting her cry as she tried to calm her down with soothing words, rubbing her back.

“Okay, look...” Ali reached for her purse, going back to her seat next to Ashlyn to avoid hurting her without any of them realizing. “I just picked this up. I was going to wait until your birthday, because it's your birthday present, but I think you need it now and hey, having a birthday gift a few days early never hurt.”

She took a package from her purse, wrapped up in gift paper and all, and gave it to Ashlyn with a small smile. Ashlyn blew her nose on a tissue Ali had given her, and took it, opening it. She couldn't help but gasp at what she saw. There, framed, was a rectangular wooden table that on top had, on the left, somehow glued to it, the note where Ashlyn and Ali had promised a forever ever after for them after her TBI. And on the right side, there was a metal plaque nailed to the wood, and on the plaque, the same promises engraved.

' _I promise to love you unconditionally. To make you fall in love with me every single day. To stay even when our differences drive me nuts. To fight for us with the best I've got. To stand by you, no matter how hard the storms are. To take care of you in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer. To be a faithful, honest, respectful, loving, and loyal partner for life. To care for you through better and worse. To love discovering you all over again. To put our family first. To make you happy. And it's forever._ '

The engraving was with Ali's same exact handwriting, just like the original, and their signatures were engraved below as well. The date in which they had originally written was down below on the wood, between both original note and replica.

“Ali...”

“Paper doesn't survive time so well, so... I figured this would be more permanent,” Ashlyn looked up to her, a mix of emotions, holding the framed gift. A glass protected the notes, and Ashlyn's thumbs pressed against it, holding her present firmly, not wanting for anything to happen to it. Ali smiled at Ashlyn, rubbing tears off her cheeks. “Ashlyn, you don't remember this but, several years ago, less than a year and a half after we had started dating, you had I had been broken up for a few months. You had begun seeing someone else, and I was living in Germany. It was my fault we had broken-up. You were the first woman I dated, I had only been with men, and I was so insecure, with so many doubts about who I was, rediscovering myself, pushing us into the closet time and time again, that it hurt you. Still, you stayed, wanting to help me figure myself out, until I left you, when I decided it was too complicated. But then I got an ACL injury, with MCL. Those are the initials of different injuries related to ligaments here,” Ali pointed the areas of her leg that were affected. “It happened during a game with the national team, in Canada, classifying our team for the London Olympics that summer, and you weren't with the team then because we had other goalkeepers, and you were only like fourth goalkeeper or so. In these kind of tournaments, you can only call two, so you weren't called. You were in Boston instead, miles away from the stadium. And so I cried, and I screamed, there are videos on youtube. You've had several ACLs too, and be thankful you don't remember, because it's painful as hell, even more so combined with MCL. I could only scream in pain,” Ashlyn frowned, listening attentively. “It's a season ending injury, so I was basically out of the Olympics right then, and I was emotionally crushed as hell. In the end, I recovered in time for the Olympics, but the teams had had to be selected before that, so I was still left out. But back then it was unthinkable that someone would come back from it so fast. I didn't expect to play again for my club until the next year, you know? And I was crushed, lonely, terribly sad and angry and in pain, with surgeries ahead of me... but I remember waking up in the hospital in Canada, after having been drugged as fuck to sleep because of the pain, and there you were.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you,” Ali chuckled, caressing her cheek. “You left it all behind. Your club, football... you had seen the injury on the TV and because you had had ACLs, you instantly knew what it was, so despite all the pain I had caused you, you got into a plane with just a backpack of your stuff, and appeared at the hospital right from the airport, with a face full of worry, a bouquet of flowers, and just wanting to help me. You didn't ask me to apologize, you weren't resentful, you didn't think of yourself... you just thought of what you could do to help me feel better. No matter what anyone else thought. So while the team had to go on and I had to leave them, you came with me to my hometown in Virginia, even though it was cold and snowy and you hated it, my Florida girl, and you spent several days there. You'd cook for me, clean my Dad's house where I was staying, help me move around with crutches... you'd give me so many pep talks, motivational speeches, fill me with love and laughter, and I ended up realizing I was the stupidest bastard letting you go. So we go back together, this time agreeing to take things slow. I went on to have surgery, returned to Germany to recover, bounced back... and you ended up coming to Germany to be closer to me, just in another city close by. You refused to let me go. And I just fell harder and harder for you. You, that had never left America, that didn't speak a word of German, that hated anything that wasn't sunny Florida and having your family far... you came to the cold, rainy, serious Germany for me. And then we played together in Sweden too, for the same club, and since then you never allowed for us to play in different teams. Followed me to Washington too.”

Ashlyn smirked.

“I sound like a royal stalker,” she joked, and Ali laughed, nodding.

“Kinda. But the best kind. And then you came to Orlando, as it was your dream to play your last years here, and I was fired from Washington in an ugly way, and so I came here. I knew if I had to go anywhere, it had to be with you. I knew my life was you. That hasn't changed, Ash. I'm still scared shitless of losing you, that's why your surgery scares me so much. But I also know better than I know anything else, that I'd rather stab myself than leaving you. You think you're the same person I fell in love with almost a decade ago? No. We're both so different... but I still love you. I still fall for you every day. And I'm not going anywhere. I meant what we promised. You wouldn't have left me, and there's no way I'm leaving you.”

Ashlyn locked eyes with her and Ali smiled gently, making her smile, rubbing the tears off my eyes.

“I love you. I really do.”

“You better,” replied Ali, and brought her in for a kiss. “Now let's go rewrap your present so I can give it to you on the 19th and you can fake surprise.” Ashlyn laughed and nodded, letting her push her chair back into the clinic.

  
  



	15. Way back into me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> +18

**Chapter 15: Way back into me.**

The 13th seemed to come incredibly fast. Ashlyn was back home by then, although she still went to the clinic for a few hours every day for her therapies. Now, she was sitting with their friend Heather O'Reilly and some family and friends, enjoying the evening in the private rooms at the Exploria Stadium. It was Ashlyn's second game live that she could remember, and Ali was captaining the team for her, against the Seattle Reign, while they watched in a private room at the top of the stands, with a large window to see the field, TV with the game, drinks, and a whole row of stands right by the room reserved for them in case they wanted to come out. Some of their group were actually out in the stands, but for Ashlyn it was still too loud outside, and she preferred the privacy of the room.

It was, despite a 2-3 loss, an enjoyable game. Ashlyn pampered Ali afterwards and they celebrated the end of the nightmarish season just as if it had been a win. Night saw Ashlyn wheeling through their living room with Ali straddling her on her knees, cupping her face and kissing her so passionately Ashlyn could feel her skin burning at her touch. She pulled Ali's t-shirt up and threw it aside, wrapping her arms around Ali and holding her tight as they kept making-out, and when Ali's lips trailed down her jaw, nibbling her earlobe and gently biting her neck, she found herself incredibly aroused. It was as if every sensation was twice as strong as before spinal cord injury, just like the blind found her other senses heightened.

“One second, I need to... bladder...” Ashlyn managed to get out between kisses, her lips swollen. Ali stopped and looked at her for a moment. “We're having sex, right?” Ashlyn asked, thinking maybe she had misread the situation.

“Sure, I just realized we haven't since... you ready?”

“I won't know until we do it. We've gone to the awkward therapy sessions re-explaining sex, we should at least try, right? Make the awkwardness worth it.”

Ali grinned and nodded, getting off here.

“I'll be waiting for you, naked.”

Ashlyn smirked and rushed into the bathroom, getting rid of her clothes and then looking down at the Duette catheter that was so un-sexy. The doctor had said it could be left during sex, but she emptied the bag -very least she could do was not have a bag of pee right there- and once she was sure she was settled, then noticed how hairy she had gotten. Over a month without waxing or shaving had left her legs and pubis full of hair.

“Shit, I don't have time... unless...” she whispered to herself, then almost yelped in victory as she saw there was cold wax in the cabinet. She had never dared to wax her pubis, but knowing she'd feel nothing, she started waxing her legs at full speed, marvelled at how fast it was when she didn't feel a thing.

“All good Ash?” Ali asked from outside.

“Yes! I'm just trying to look my best for you, love.”

“Well hurry up please I'm hot as fuck.”

Ashlyn laughed and went on to wax her groin, the soft baby hairs forming a line from her belly button to her pubis, and the upper part of her pubis. She shortened the existing hair with a scissor, washed all the wax remnants away, and was fully ready, brushing her teeth quickly and wheeling herself out of the bathroom fully ready. She was thankful her abs hadn't completely vanished and she had at least taken care of her facial hair and armpits in the time in the rehab clinic, although she was sure Ali wasn't going to care about hair -it wasn't like any of them ever really cared- but she felt sexier that way, having in count that she had a pee bag hanging.

To her surprise and arousal, she found Ali sprawled on their bed, fully naked, moaning and arching as she touched herself furiously. The smell of sex was intoxicating and Ashlyn could see Ali's folds glistening. She licked her lips in anticipation.

“Couldn't wait, uh?” Ashlyn asked with a smirk. Ali's head jerked up and she blushed, but didn't stop.

“You took fucking long!” Ali groaned with grilled teeth, chasing her orgasm.

“Are you at least thinking of me?” Ashlyn inquired as she propelled herself up on the bed, carefully dragging herself to Ali's folds. Her vertebrae was pretty much healed, so the movement wasn't painful.

“'Course,” Ali moaned as Ashlyn dragged a long finger through her lips a few times before pressing in her entry, making her almost scream. Ashlyn's smirk grew and she leaned her mouth to suck on her nipples, making her gasp and moan harder, arching to meet her mouth.

“Tell me what you were thinking of to get so wet.”

“Your mouth... your talented hands... your lips... oh my... oh...”

“What else?” Ashlyn asked, entering her with two fingers that moved quickly. It had been so long Ashlyn knew it wouldn't take Ali long. Even Ashlyn was feeling incredibly turned on.

“You fucking me with the strap-on, you touching me all over... your beautiful body...” Ashlyn leaned her mouth to suck on her clit and with a chocked scream, Ali finally came, trembling all over.

When Ali could open her eyes, she found Ashlyn looking sweetly at her, caressing her face.

“You're so beautiful,” Ashlyn said. Ali chuckled, recovering from the aftershock of the intense orgasm, and looked down at her, seeing her hard pebbles, her swollen, reddened lips, her muscled arms and the freckles over her shoulders that drove her mad. And without another word, she buried her hand in Ashlyn's short hair and pulled her down hard for a kiss.

Sooner than Ashlyn could realize, she was on her back and Ali was kissing, nibbling and biting her way from her lips, to the scars between the locks of hair, and down to her breasts, that she sucked and fondled attentively as Ashlyn moaned. She very gently put the catheter bag on the mattress next to Ashlyn's hips and kissed down to parts that Ashlyn couldn't quite feel, but just seeing was visual stimulation, and she found herself burying her fingers in Ali's dark hair, encouraging her.

When Ali locked eyes with her as she lapped her wetness and sucked her clit, Ashlyn could've come right then just from how sexy it was to look. Ali's hand kept fondling her breasts while the other busied entering Ashlyn, with some lube for extra comfort. And then Ashlyn felt something. It wasn't quite the orgasm she knew, but she had heard most women could still orgasm after spinal cord injuries, if anything a little differently, and that there were some nerves that bypassed the spinal cord and instead travelled between organs such as the lungs, so they were intact and able to provide some sexual feeling. And she felt the tingling in her belly, up to her chest, her fingers, and before she knew what was happening, she felt extasis rock her up and down, and released a long moan as she threw her head back, eyes closed, and Ali's fingers filled with her wetness.

“Did you come?” Ali asked excitedly.

“Oh my God,” Ashlyn murmured raspy with arousal. “Either that or... I had an out of body experience...”

Ali giggled and kissed up to her breasts and then her face.

“We did it.”

Ashlyn opened her eyes and smiled back at her.

“We did it. It was actually nice. Not the exact same but... very nice.”

“That's so great!” Ali kissed her once more. “I'm going to clean us both. You lie there and chill.”

“Not going anywhere!”

Turns out Ashlyn fell asleep while Ali cleaned herself and Ashlyn. Ali then got onto her sleeping boxers, carefully hung Ashlyn's urine bag from its metal hanger by the bed, and got her into her preferred boxers, sliding under the covers by her side. She smiled to herself seeing how peaceful Ashlyn looked, caressing the tattoos that covered her side before deciding to lean against her chest and snuggle closer. Somehow, Ashlyn sensed the movement and leaned her cheek against her hair, but didn't wake up.

In the morning, after they had enjoyed quite the nice breakfast outside in the porch, Ashlyn turned to look at Ali, wanting to engrave in her eyes the sight of her with the sun on her face, relaxed on the outdoors sofa with Logan.

“You're really pretty.”

Ali chuckled, blushing a little.

“And you're awfully sexy,” Ali moved to kiss her. “The surgery is in just a week. Are you nervous?”

“A little. But I'm more and more convinced I should do it. I'm sick of urine catheters, urine bags, wheelchairs... I'd actually like to go to the beach. With full functioning legs, you know? Run into the waves.”

“You know the surgery may only give you feeling, not really re-stablish things enough to stand your weight, Ash.”

“I know, but let a girl dream,” Ashlyn chuckled at her, and then slowly the chuckle vanished. “There's actually something I've been meaning to tell you, but I could never find the right moment.”

Ali raised her eyebrows in curiosity and scooted closer.

“What is it?”

“I gave my last will and testament, fully updated, to our lawyer, last week,” Ashlyn explained. Ali knew it was happening, but she still felt uneasy at the confirmation that Ashlyn had had to do that. “I left another copy here, in the box of winter clothes in the depths of our closet. Just in case.”

“Okay,” Ali nodded slowly.

“My half of the house is yours. The dog. The car,” Ashlyn said. “Every other belonging that you're attached to and you want. With the rest of my things, you can do whatever, but I left it stated in the papers that if my family wanted something that you didn't want, they had to have it.”

“Seems reasonable.”

“And for what it's just money, forty percent is yours. Then fifteen for my brother, fifteen for my Mum, fifteen for my Dad. And the remaining fifteen for Papa and Mama.” Ashlyn said, referring to her paternal grandparents. Her maternal grandparents were dead, save for her grandfather's second wife that Ashlyn knew, didn't need the money. Her other grandparents had practically raised her and could use it to help themselves as they aged.

Ali nodded, feeling a throat in her throat just at the mere thought of losing her.

“So you're actually thinking it may go wrong, uh?” Ali murmured.

“I never said it was impossible,” Ashlyn shrugged. “I wasn't even thinking just of the surgery, to be honest. I just thought it's so easy to die, even more since we're rather famous and someone could pull a John Lennon on—,”

“You remember Lennon's murder?”

“Oddly, yeah,” Ashlyn side smiled small, and Ali smiled a little in return. “The things the memory keeps, uh? I also remembered my first pets recently. But anyway, I was just wanting to make sure everything was settled if anything at all happens.”

Ali nodded in agreement and let out a sigh, looking at the canal that surrounded their garden.

“Are you ready to die?” Ali murmured then.

“I don't think anyone's ever so ready,” Ashlyn replied. “My life feels like it's been so short, since I've forgotten so much... and at the same time I feel inside like I've been alive for decades, as it is. But I am happy. I've got love, friendship, a home. I wouldn't die leaving an extensive wish list, just a brief one. And if it happens... I want you to find someone else, Ali.”

“Ash, don't you—,”

“Please. I know we could all love again, right? Your parents divorced and found the love of their lives all over again. My grandfather found another wife when grandma died. Even my brain found other ways to work when parts of it went to hell. And I know if something happened to me, the universe would do its job to make sure another soulmate appeared for you,” Ashlyn said. Ali bit her lip, not wanting to think about it. “I'd want you to make all your dreams come true. And the family ones. With someone you truly love, someone who treats you like you deserve, who loves you unconditionally, who wants a family with you, and a future with you... someone who deserves you. I don't want you to just... sit sad forever.”

“I don't want to think about this Ash.”

Ashlyn nodded and wrapped an arm around her waist, kissing her cheek.

“Hey,” Ashlyn whispered. “Life is just time, Ali. The lucky ones get to spend it with people who love them and be happy. I'm only in a part of your total time, and this month and a half has already been an extra for me. I should've died. It was a miracle I didn't. It was a great show of skills from the medical team. So everything else I get now for me are lucky pluses, but I know, despite the amnesia, that I always lived my life fully and without regrets, so a life well lived can end soon, and it's not as tragic as people would think. I've been happy. I don't care about the length, but the intensity. And my life has been quite intense, for what I've heard.”

“Then why not settle? Why ask for more? With this surgery, risking your life... what sense does it make? I know you want all these things, but like... maybe you should just be happy with what you have, Ash. Don't ask for more.”

“I thought I could. I tried, Al. Even all these weeks, I've tried talking myself out of the surgery but I just...” Ashlyn puffed, shaking her head. “I think that someone like me, for what I've gotten to know of myself, would be bored to depression if this was my life for the rest of time. I need to be happy for more than you and family and friends. I need to do things that make me happy. Don't we all? And apparently I'm a traveller, and an athlete, and even a little hyperactive... I'm already growing sick of my situation and it hasn't been two months. In six months, I'm gonna be dying to run, or at least stroll around the beach, and I won't be able to have the surgery then because Dr Bennett said the longer the connections were dead the harder they were to fix. If we're doing this it has to be now. I need you to understand it's not some silly craving or whim, Alex, I really need to... be capable of doing more of what I used to do.”

Ali looked at her for a long moment, and nodded slowly, trying to understand.

“I know,” she reached for her hand and sighed, kissing her softly. “I know. Have you... remembered anything else...?”

“I get sudden hunches now and then. Like this morning I somehow knew you like cream in your coffee,” Ashlyn smirked small. “I look at my clothes and approve of my style. I look at my tattoos and can almost feel why I had them done. And when I see you playing on the field... it feels like I could almost touch a hundred billion memories at once, I feel the energy in my chest... like an inner desire to grab the ball. I know the rules of soccer, still. And when I watch documentaries, there are many familiar things. Yesterday I found my longboard, and I felt affectionate towards it weirdly enough. I don't know, there are... things. Little things, like episode previews, but never quite getting to see the episode.”

Ali took a deep breath and smiled sadly at her.

“I don't want to lose you but... I know what it is like to want something with your whole heart. I always beat my ass up to get back to the USWNT, to get back from injuries... even if it was hard or risky... I know sometimes you just have to follow the feeling that marks what's right and what's just quitting. So go on. If you truly believe this is what you should do, I'll support you no matter what. As I promised. You shouldn't lose yourself just to settle with what's safe.”

Ashlyn looked intensely at her and, feeling words wouldn't be enough, just cupped her face, and kissed her.


	16. What mere words cannot say

**Chapter 16: What mere words cannot say.**

Laughter erupted as Abby Wambach made a joke while they devoured the 34th birthday cake. Ashlyn and Ali had celebrated first at noon with the family in Satellite Beach, and now in the evening with some of their closest friends, like Abby and her wife Glennon, Alex Morgan and her husband Servando, who had come from LA, where he played football too, Sydney Leroux with her husband Dom and their two kids, of which Ashlyn and Ali were godparents and even after TBI, Ashlyn adored them, their friend Heather O'Reilly with her husband Dave, their friend Megan Rapinoe with her girlfriend Sue, Whitney with her boyfriend Ryan, Marta and her girlfriend Toni, Alanna Kennedy and some friends of Ashlyn out of football, like Jamie Tworkowski and Liz Clabaugh.

Ashlyn had just received a call from Niki Cross, longtime friend of Ashlyn and Ali, announcing she had just given birth to a baby girl that, in Ashlyn's honour as they shared birthday, had been named Lily Michelle Cross, and had asked Ashlyn and Ali to be godmothers, to which they had agreed right away with enthusiasm. The news had cheered everyone up even more, as they all knew and loved Niki and her wife Molly, and Ashlyn took them as a birthday present. Even with amnesia, she remembered flashes of her friendship with the women and felt very affective towards them. She was already crossing fingers she'd get to meet her goddaughter.

“Your house is so nice,” Whitney commented as they chilled around the dinning table, having enjoyed a pleasant dinner.

“The piano wasn't there before, was it?” Sydney said pointing to the black wall piano in a corner, where Logan was sleeping on the rug.

“No, Ashlyn has actually been becoming quite the pianist,” Ali explained, looking proudly at her fiancée. “Because of music therapy.”

Their friends looked quite surprised, as Ashlyn was never known to ever play an instrument. She had tried and failed the guitar, in her teens, and that was about it.

“Oh, you have to give us a mini concert, Ash, please,” Whitney pleaded. “Even if it's just a short thing.”

“I've only been learning for a few weeks, don't expect like, Mozart,” Ashlyn warned.

“You do play beautifully,” Ali really did love listening. Even when Ashlyn was learning and made mistakes or repeated one part a hundred times. Ashlyn was a perfectionist and she didn't lose her patience, so she was actually getting very good.

“You just say it cause you love me,” Ashlyn smiled at her, who giggled.

“Come on Ash, just a bit,” Dom insisted as well and Ashlyn nodded.

“Okay, there's something I was actually preparing to surprise Ali, so... hopefully I can do it without an error. Last time I rehearsed it, it came out fine,” Ashlyn said, wheeling to the piano and pulling herself on the bench. Ali looked with renovated interest and they stood to get closer.

“I'm filming this for posterity but there's no pressure,” said Alex, filming with her phone. “You can fuck up freely.” Ashlyn laughed.

“I love the faith you've got!” Ashlyn said full of irony, opening the piano and caressing the keys. “Okay, this is actually from a film, so you'll probably know it... here goes nothing.”

Ali smiled in excitement as Ashlyn started playing and she recognized the song right away.

“A million dreams,” she blurted out, and Ashlyn nodded with a smirk. They had watched 'The Greatest Showman' a billion times when it first came out, and it had quickly become Ali's favourite song, was it possible Ashlyn remembered?

To their surprise, Ashlyn begun singing too. She had never been an exceptional singer, she was somewhat out of tune, but she had a soft voice and mixed with the piano was actually pretty nice.

“ _I close my eyes and I can see, the world that's waiting up for me, that I call my own... Through the dark, through the door, through where no one's been before... But it feels like home.”_ Ali kept close attention, feeling Ashlyn was trying to communicate something. To let the lyrics speak for herself. _“They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy... They can say, they can say I've lost my mind. I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy... We can live in a world that we design...!”_ her voice became quite powerful and Ali grinned, loving it. Ashlyn had her eyes closed as she played, showing off she didn't even need to look, and Ali could feel the beat in her chest, in her lungs and her heart. She was sure Ashlyn did too, and didn't care if she didn't sign like a pro. To Ali, it was perfect. “' _Cause every night I lie in bed, the brightest colours fill my head, a million dreams are keeping me awake...! I think of what the world could be, a vision of the one I see, a million dreams is all it's gonna take...! A million dreams for the world we're gonna make... There's a house we can build, every room inside is filled with things from far away..._ ” Ashlyn looked up at Ali, and they exchanged smiles. Ali was beaming and actually getting emotional. _“The special things I compile, each one there to make you smile, on a rainy day... They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy... They can say, they can say we've lost our minds... I don't care, I don't care if they call us crazy... Runaway to a world that we design...! Every night I lie in bed, the brightest colours fill my head, a million dreams are keeping me awake...! I think of what the world could be, a vision of the one I see, a million dreams is all it's gonna take... A million dreams for the world we're gonna make. However big, however small, let me be part of it all, share your dreams with me..._ ” Ashlyn raised eyebrows at Ali, who nodded, rubbing her eyes and beaming right at her. _“You may be right, you may be wrong, but say that you'll bring me along... To the world you see... To the world I close my eyes to see, I close my eyes to see..._ ” The world where the life Ashlyn remembered was. The world she dreamed of, the world Ali would tell her of, and the world they'd dream of together. “ _Every night I lie in bed, the brightest colours fill my head, a million dreams are keeping me awake... A million dreams, a million dreams...! I think of what the world could be, a vision of the one I see, a million dreams is all it's gonna take... A million dreams for the world we're gonna make... For the world we're gonna make._ ”

They applauded in admiration as Ashlyn ended, and Ali kissed her.

“I loved it,” Ali said kneeling to hold her close. “Our world.”

“Just ours,” Ashlyn kissed her cheek, holding her tight.

Later during the night, it was, instead of Ashlyn, Ali who woke up with a nightmare, and in her case, she was crying. She had dreamed Ashlyn died, and it woke Ashlyn up, and soon the goalkeeper's strong arms were around her. Ali rolled over to sob into her chest, half telling her what she dreamed between cries, and Ashlyn hugged her close and tried to console her. When at last, Ali's crying died, leaving Ashlyn's chest damp, the younger woman pressed soothing kisses over her face.

“I'm sorry,” Ali murmured tiredly.

“Don't be. I doubt you asked for this,” said Ashlyn.

“I'm just so afraid of losing you,” Ali confessed. “I can't live without you.”

“Of course you can.”

“No, Ash, no—,”

“I'm right here,” Ashlyn interrupted touching her chest. “You always carried me right here. So when I didn't know myself, you could tell me, because you know me by heart, Alex. You have your talent. Football to always feel me close. AKFC to keep rubbing our passion for the sport on kids. Logan, the house... I'll be in every corner of your life. I'll always be there, no matter what. And even if I die, I don't think that's a goodbye... it's a see you later, okay? We'll meet again on the other side. I know we will. Alex...” Ashlyn caressed her face as silent tears ran down Ali's cheeks. “Alex, love doesn't die. You're not gonna lose me.”

“It's not the same thing! I'll want to die too, if you're not here. I'll want to be with you.” She sobbed.

“No,” Ashlyn frowned. “No, are you hearing me? You get to live. Fully. Wholeheartedly. For us both. For me. Promise me, Ali.”

“I can't, I...”

“Alexandra...”

Ali looked up at the sad hazel eyes and gulped, nodding.

“All right. I promise.”

“Come here,” Ashlyn hugged her close. “It's gonna be okay. I'll come back. I'll have a happily ever after with you. We'll grow old and wrinkly together. I just know it.”

“Make it happen. Just please make it happen.”

“I'll do my very best.”

  
  



	17. Steps forward

**Chapter 17: Steps forward.**

Even though the risky part wasn't the minor surgery but the possible complications derived from it, Ali spent the three hours of the surgery in a wreck. Because they hadn't told no one but Kyle, so he could be Ali's rock while Ashlyn's surgery happened, she was almost alone to suffer, pacing around the waiting room until Dr Bennett said she thought the surgery was a total success, but they'd have to wait until she woke up to see exactly how successful it was.

Right away Ali and Kyle accompanied her to see Ashlyn as she started to wake up in the recovery room, and Ali practically ran when she saw Ashlyn's eyes half opened, staring sleepily at nothing.

“Ash!” Ali took her hand and Ashlyn looked sleepy to her. “So? Did it work?”

“Well uh...” slowly, Ashlyn's legs moved until her feet planted on the mattress. It was obvious it took some effort, but Ashlyn grinned from ear to ear. “What d'you think?”

Ali grinned from ear to ear and couldn't help the squeal that came out of her lips, hugging Ashlyn best she could and covering her face in kisses.

“This is absolutely great!” Dr Bennett grinned as well, her blue eyes sparkling with excitement, and Kyle chuckled, patting Ashlyn's foot as the goalkeeper set her legs down again. “Feeling awesome?”

“Not quite,” Ashlyn gently pushed Ali away a little to breathe, bringing her hand to her lips. “My back hurts and my legs still feel a little heavy and weak, but I guess that's all normal?”

“Oh yeah, absolutely. After over a month of inactivity, it'll take a while to regain strength, and hours of physiotherapy, but it'll be faster and more successful than if we had waited longer,” Dr Bennett assured with a nod. “I'll give you some painkillers for the back pain, but it'll pass naturally in a week or so, when the wound has healed. We'll keep you in observation forty-eight hours from now just to make sure there are no complications and then decide if keeping you longer or not depending on how it's going and how you're feeling, is that good?”

“Great, thank you, Dr Bennett. Truly, you've changed my life, thank you,” Ashlyn raised a hand to squeeze hers.

“Just doing my job,” Dr Bennet nodded with a smile. “The nurses will take you to a room in a little while.”

Orlando Health had great hospitals, and when eventually Ashlyn was wheeled to a nice hospital room with a couple armchairs, a big window, and a pretty beige colour. A physiotherapist came by to start some exercises and check where she was at and if anything hurt or felt odd, and then a nurse brought Ashlyn some juice and a sandwich, since she couldn't eat for hours before the surgery and she was starved.

“Feeling good now that the painkillers have kicked in?” Ali asked looking lovingly at Ashlyn, caressing her cheek while she ate.

“Yes,” Ashlyn chuckled, “I can't believe I feel my feet again! I'm so excited.”

“And it seems you're avoiding the feared complications for now,” Kyle pointed out. “It's all good news.”

“Well I'm not going anywhere tonight, nor tomorrow, nor until after you can come with me, just in case,” Ali said. “I'll wait until the morning to call your Mum and Dad, if that's okay?”

“Sounds good to me babe,” Ashlyn kissed her cheek, as she was sitting up on the bed. “Thank you for being here with me, both of you.”

“That's what family is for,” Kyle said cheerfully. “I'm going to get some coffee. Want some, sis?”

“More like a lime blossom for me, thank you Ky,” Ali smiled gratefully at her brother and when he left, she moved to kiss Ashlyn once more. “I'm so happy.”

“Me too,” Ashlyn put away the empty glass of juice and empty plate, used a napkin to clean her mouth, and reached to squeeze Ali's hand. “I can't wait to marry you. I even dreamed of you when I was under the anaesthesia.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah. I saw us surrounded by kids, our very own, playing football in the garden, with Logan,” said Ashlyn with a dreamy expression that made Ali feel warm in adoration inside. “It was so nice, Ali. We were so happy.”

“We'll get that,” Ali promised. “One day soon.” Ashlyn nodded and let out a big yawn.

“I think I'm going to take a nap now.”

“You do that. I'll be right here.”

Ali couldn't sleep all night. She and Kyle curled on the armchairs in the room by Ashlyn's bed, and while Kyle slept now and then, intermittently, Ali's eyes went constantly from Ashlyn, peacefully asleep now that she could comfortably roll in her sleep as she liked, to the machines, just checking that everything was working just fine. And the couple times Ashlyn woke up in a bit of pain during the night, she was there to soothe her back to sleep, until morning came.

“I'll go call your Mum and Dad and Chris,” Ali said as Ashlyn had some breakfast, moving to kiss her forehead. “It might take a while. Want me to get you anything?”

“I'm fine, thanks babe.”

“You could get me a neck pillow,” said Kyle, stretching, and Ali rolled eyes, but smiled at him as she left.

When Ali returned to the room over an hour later, Ashlyn was walking around with an arm around the physiotherapist's shoulders for support, slowly but surely making her way around the room. Ali almost cried at the sight. She hadn't seen her wife walk in nearly two months, and it made her emotional.

“Look, babe!” Ashlyn beamed at her when she noticed she was back. “I'm walking!”

Overcome with emotion, Ali wasn't able to answer, but she grinned back at her and nodded, observing.

“How easy it is to make some people happy, right?” Kyle murmured with a gleeful grin, sliding an arm over his sister's shoulders.

“She deserves it all,” Ali whispered, looking proudly at Ashlyn.

“And the first thing I'm gonna do today,” Ashlyn was saying loudly, happier than ever, “is poo on my own!!!” her physiotherapist, Ali and Kyle laughed, and Ashlyn raised a fist up victoriously.

In the end, Ashlyn was discharged early morning fifty-six days post attack, and she returned home using axillary crutches and walking very slowly to the car and then from the car to the house once Ali parked in the driveway. She didn't have quite the muscle strength in her hips, legs, ankles and feet yet to go fast or without crutches, and her head did get a little dizzy when she walked around because it wasn't used to her moving like that and looking from 1,75 metres, but she managed short distances well. There weren't post-surgery complications aside from a slight fever that lasted one night and then vanished, so they were happy.

“How are you feeling today?” Ali asked one of those days as Ashlyn lied on the sofa after a morning in the gym at the rehabilitation facilities, resting tucked with a blanket and Logan.

“I'm well,” Ashlyn nodded, “tired. But today I noticed that my orientation is improving.”

“Is it?”

“I remembered how to get to the bathroom at the facilities in the first attempt,” Ashlyn pointed out. “And I knew how to get to where we parked the car without becoming lost.”

“That's so good,” Ali sat and brought her feet onto her lap to massage them. “How're the headaches?”

“Bit less intense than last month. As it's the occasional dizziness. And I didn't lose my phone today,” she was making a habit of not remembering where she last put it several times a day most days of the week.

“I knew you'd bounce back,” Ali said looking proud.

“I try,” said Ashlyn, looking sleepy. “I get a little too anxious sometimes, though. It just all feels so weird, memory wise... like, I know I lived in this house for a while before you do, yet it feels strange. I've had to re-learn where things are stored, or start feeling it like mine and not like I'm sleeping over at someone else's house... and the other day when I went to buy bread around the corner, I crossed path with a neighbour who didn't know I've got amnesia. He greeted me and I had no idea who he was, I had to explain I was suffering from amnesia and luckily he had heard something, so he wasn't too offended. But I still felt quite anxious and disappointing. It'd be great to remember more things now and then. To not feel so out of place.”

Ali sighed, nodding in agreement, and curled next to her, wrapping her arms around her.

“It's a slow process, I guess,” Ali said.

“If they even come back. I know some things are just forgotten forever.”

“It's a good thing that at least you remember the emotional attachment to most important things,” said Ali, trying to keep her mind in the bright side of things. “A lot of people forget that too.”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn nodded. “It is a relief. Like, it's bad enough that I've got the concentration level of a five year old, the room spins if I move too fast, I have the occasional frequent headaches, my planning skills are shitty, I have some coordination and muscle-movement issues, I get disorientated easily, my senses of touch, smell and taste are somewhat altered, my emotions get out of control at times, my short-term memory is not the best, my writing and reading is shit, and some other stuff, but if with all of that I could not feel anything for those around me, it'd seriously suck. One needs some support.”

“Right,” Ali hugged her closer. “Stay in the positive and you'll get far, baby.”

Ashlyn nodded, looking down at her and pressing her lips against the top of her head. She was lucky that at least she had Ali. She had no idea what she'd do without her.


	18. A new normal

**Chapter 18: A new normal.**

Halloween was always a weird night. Ali had to explain Ashlyn what Halloween was about for the first year ever, and they bought candy and Ashlyn was excited about getting to wear a Batman costume and go trick-or-treating with Sydney, Dom, and their two kiddos, plus the dogs. They didn't spend too much time on it, because Ashlyn got easily tired, the and Krieger-Harris soon were back home. Ali got busy cooking dinner, and Ashlyn got in charge of answering the door. Because they lived in a private gated area, they didn't get many visitors; just some neighbours with little kids.

“Trick or treat Ms Ashlyn!” some kids shouted as she opened the door. She smiled finding them kind of adorable and gave.

The kids lifted a black plastic bag and Ashlyn chuckled and grabbed the bowl of sweets they had by the door.

“Well have tons of treats and have fun, you guys,” Ashlyn said, taking fistfuls of candy and putting it into the bags.

The plastic made some noise when the candy hit it, and it triggered something in Ashlyn. All of the sudden her eyes were fixed in the black plastic and she felt her chest constrict. She wasn't conscious of how she made it back into the house, closing the door and putting the bowl away, but in a matter of seconds she was grabbing her throat, feeling something strangling her, but unable to shake it away, breathing hard as she tried to get rid of the sensation.

With her back pressed against the door, she slid to the floor and her crutches hit the floor loudly. She closed her eyes, making choking sounds of asphyxiation, and saw in her mind and angry bald guy, with a long scar down his lip and angry blue eyes, shouting something at her she couldn't hear.

“Ashlyn!” Ali had heard something odd and had gone to check on her, only to see her sitting on the floor with her head and back against the door, eyes clutched close, her hands on her throat, and making sounds as if she couldn't breathe. “Ashlyn, what's wrong babe?” Ali ran to her, kneeling by her side and putting her hands away. “Shit, are you having trouble breathing baby?”

Ashlyn's eyes opened and fixed on Ali's brown orbs, which gave her a sudden feeling of calmness that washed over her as she took profound intakes of air, calming herself slowly.

“I think... flashback... I don't know...”

“It's okay,” Ali pulled her against her chest, rubbing soothing circles on her back. “You're fine. What do you think triggered this?”

“I don't know...” Ashlyn sighed, feeling her chest settle down and go back to normal. “The children had a black plastic bag, I guess like the one they used on me and I... I couldn't breathe, suddenly. And then I saw... a corpulent, bald, white man, with blue eyes and a long scar in his lip, towards his chin. He was shouting something at me, but I couldn't hear.”

“But Ash... it doesn't make sense. They hit you while you were wearing a plastic black bag over your head, you couldn't have seen anything,” Ali said with a light frown.

“What if at some point, it moved enough for me to see?” Ashlyn asked. “I thought they kicked and punched me, right? And they weren't holding the bag down anymore, right? So what if during the struggle, it moved for just enough for me to see for a moment?”

Ali pursed her lips in thought.

“I guess it's possible but... they haven't arrested anyone matching your description, and I think they were done making arrests.”

“Give me the phone, I want to tell the police what I've seen. In case they can still catch him.”

Police took her seriously, in the end, and set to make a portrait based on her description to send her so she could make corrections until they had exactly who she saw, in order to search for him. Ashlyn was quiet during dinner, though; Ali could see she was immersed in her own mind, absent, not really concentrating on dinner or conversation. She let her be, but when they snuggled in bed afterwards, after Ali had closed the gate of their property to stop kids from trying to trick or treat, the defender could tell that her fiancée was perhaps too lost in thought.

She curled on her side behind Ashlyn, watching as the moonlight coming through the window painted the outline of Ashlyn's shoulder and head, wondering what she could do. Tentatively, she reached a hand to touch the younger woman's shoulder, feeling it tense, and pressed her thumb a little into the muscle to help her relax.

“What's the matter?” Ali asked in a gentle whisper.

For a moment she thought Ashlyn wasn't going to reply, because it took her a moment, but at last she spoke.

“I'm really furious Alex.”

“Why?” Ali had some idea, but wanted to hear it from her.

“Because they've taken my life away. And not because I did something bad and unforgivable, but because I'm in love. What they did to me, Alex, is way worse than death.”

Ali frowned and sat up.

“How can you say that? You're alive. You're walking again. You get to remember your emotional connection to most things and people. In a few months, you'll be living a perfectly normal life once again.”

“You don't get it. You couldn't possibly understand,” Ashlyn murmured, not facing her.

“Then explain it to me.”

Again, it was a long moment before Ashlyn sat up, reached for her phone on the night stand, turned the lamp on, and faced her. She opened her phone gallery in a way Ali could see perfectly well, and started opened photographs and videos of herself before the attack. She looked immensely sad after a while, and even Ali felt pained.

“I see the people I follow or have in friends in social media, and most of the names aren't even familiar,” Ashlyn murmured, “I can see the smiles vanish when people realize I don't remember them, and get hurt, because they never thought I'd forget them just like that. I can't do anything to keep them from getting hurt. I see a calendar full of appointments, birthdays and notes about things I have no idea of. And when I look at these pics and videos of me before the attack happened... I look so happy. Living a full, perfect life. And sometimes it feels like the woman in those videos is an old friend I'll never get to meet, someone everybody I love wants so badly instead of me, but that's vanished and somehow I'm supposed to occupy her place. I miss her... I wish I could be more like her. Sometimes I wish I didn't have emotional connections, because you don't know what it is to know you love someone, and they love you, and feel protective and like you don't want to hurt them, but see how much your mere existence disappoints them and hurts them because it's not who you once were and who they wish you still were, who they learned to love, but a complete stranger. See all my loved ones... and it hurts me not to be able to give them anything. I can't remember the stuff they like, their birthdays, the special things they shared with me, what makes them laugh... I just get to feel awkward constantly. My whole world is odd, rare and strange, I feel so out of place all the time, such a disappointment to anyone who expects to see Ashlyn in me, and then all I can do is feel terribly, terribly lonely.”

As if on cue, Ashlyn started crying, and covered her face with her hands. That was something the old Ashlyn never did, that Ashlyn hadn't bothered to hide her tears, but the new one almost always covered her face. Ali's heart broke for her, emphasizing as much as she could, and she reached out to hug her close.

When the younger woman fell asleep in her arms, Ali lied her down, still hugging her close, protectively, and closed her eyes. She had to find a way to help her, no matter how hard it was. She was unable to sleep for three hours that she spent thinking what she could do to improve Ashlyn's life, until at least, it occurred to her, and she carefully slid out of bed, tucking her in and kissing her temple as she slept, before rushing to their office.

Once in her office, she opened her computer, and began to write.

It was half past ten when Ashlyn woke up, frowning as she noticed the side of the bed next to her was cold, save for the part Logan was now occupying. Grabbing her crutches, she used them to get out of bed, slide her feet in her slippers, and kept her ears out to see if she heard any noise, or try to detect breakfast smell, but neither. Remembering her meltdown the night before, she instantly felt her eyes swollen a little, and went to the bathroom to pee, wash her face, and brush her teeth, as she disliked morning breath.

She walked out into the small corridor and, as she walked towards the living room and the kitchen, she passed in front of the office, whose door was closed, and heard a machine sound inside. Curious, Ashlyn opened the sliding wooden door and to her surprise, saw the printer was printing a large amount of documents, and Ali was slumped over her closed laptop, asleep.

“Ali?” Ashlyn murmured, frowned.

She used the crutches to get to the printer and, putting them below her armpits for support, she reached her hands to the accumulating dozens of papers. To her surprise, she saw it seemed like files on people from their lives. Family names were in blue, colleagues in red, friends outside sports in orange, less close friends in green, people they disliked in brown, and strangers in a soft blue. They were all different people. Name, a photograph, and what looked like a very complex, elaborated file card. Full name, birthday, city of origin, family, how did they know each other, job, history, random facts like favourite food or band... The closer they were to the person in particular, the larger the file was, and some were over five pages long. But others only had half a page, or a few lines.

Ashlyn saw then a big binder open on the desk, with some of these files inside (also put inside plastic transparent folders), but also white sheets. Ali seemed to feel her presence, or the sound of the printer as it finished printing and went silent, and moved slowly, until she was sleepily looking up at Ashlyn.

“Ash,” she said with a tone of surprise. “What...?” she saw the sunlight coming through the window. “What time is it?”

“Nearly eleven,” Ashlyn replied. “Why aren't you sleeping in our bed, and what's all of this?”

“Oh,” Ali sat up, stretching, and looked at the desk. “Well, I was up late thinking of what you told me last night, and I realized your situation is little different than all of us when we come into the world, isn't it? We know absolutely nothing, and we need for everyone to explain the world and themselves to us, to stablish relationships. But then, in your case I know talking with people and getting to know them all over again can be terribly awkward, because they do remember you, so I decided to make all these files of people we know with all the stuff I know about them. Some people you'd know better than me, some less, so these files have their flaws but... I thought knowing this much would make talking with them easier, and would make both of you feel more comfortable when you're together. And I'm making a plastic folder by person with all I have on them, so then you can store it in this binder, and then I'm putting white sheets separating each person so behind each folder you can write down all the things you discover of each person, and store it with the one I already gave you. So... I'm not quite giving you a text-book of all you have to know of our people but... just enough so it's easier for you to get to know them again, and easier for them to see you as the same Ashlyn they always knew and loved. Oh, and the binder is organized first by order of importance, family first, then friends, colleagues... colour coded, and then inside each category, by alphabetical order.”

Ashlyn stood there in shock, surprised, and then Ali feared she had done something wrong. But before she could apologize, Ashlyn beamed and hugged.

“You stayed up all night for this? Your wrists must be killing you!”

“It's all right,” Ali shrugged between her arms. “It's what we do for those we love, right?”

Ashlyn cupped her face and looked lovingly at her, leaning down to kiss her.

“You didn't have to do any of this for me but... Thank you, Ali. It's a truly beautiful gesture, I'm... I'm so amazed.”

“I can't undo what's happened, Ash, but... I don't want you to wish you had died instead of this,” Ali murmured. “I know it's sad to lose... thirty-four years of your life, but like, if you think about it, the first twelve aren't years no one ever really remembers with that much detail. In your case, those aren't even years you'd want to remember. So it's actually just twenty-two... and that's gonna feel like nothing when you're fifty, and they correspond to a very little portion of your whole life. You can relearn faster than a kid. You can re-discover the world, which in some ways, it's a beautiful thing to do. Everything can be fascinating again. And I can show you again all the places we've travelled too, take you on dates to the places we had dates in while it'll still feel all new for you... my point is... life doesn't have to be miserable. It can be an exciting rediscovery of things and if there's love between you and these people, you can still rebuild your relationships, some things are better forgotten, and there will come a day where what now seems like your whole life, becomes not even half of it.”

“You're right,” Ashlyn chuckled. “I'm gonna have to study a lot but... it's fine. At least it'll be topics I like. Is there a file on you?”

Ali snorted a laugh.

“As thick as my wrist, actually.”

Ashlyn side-smiled.

“Great. I'd love to rediscover my favourite subject all over again,” Ashlyn wrapped her arms around Ali, sensually pulling her into her arms, and kissed her with all her might, trying to convey in one kiss, what she couldn't find words to express.

  
  



	19. Re-bond

**Chapter 19: Re-bond.**

To help Ashlyn and their people feel normal again, Ali called their loved ones and organized a series of bonding meetings and bonding games. They'd go with their loved ones for picnics, dinners, painting classes, cooking classes, archery, kayaking, routes across the countryside, dog playdates, laser tag, and about anything that would come to mind. She'd invent games to get to know each other better so they could all feel their bonds strengthen, and even she got to know many things about friends and family she didn't know. Or they'd play the classic games like truth or dare, or never have I ever (in a changed version where Ashlyn was just observing, not playing). Ali also encouraged their closest relatives and closest friends to join Ashlyn and her in family group therapy, recommended for victims of TBI and their families.

Ali's hard work had results. After three weeks, she could tell that Ashlyn and their people felt more close knit, more as if nothing had ever happened, and Ashlyn was happier, feeling less lost, and had started randomly having long phone conversations with a different loved-one twice a day.

And then Ali took care of their own relationship. She started taking Ashlyn on dates, to all the places of Florida they had had dates in the past that she could remember, including the place where Ashlyn had proposed to her the year before. And on a rainy day near Thanksgiving, Ashlyn surprised her.

“I've planned a date this time,” said Ashlyn, as they snuggled together on the sofa after sex. Truth was lately their relationship felt stronger than ever, funnily enough. Ali reflected that the past year had been so stressing, with the World Cup and their club, and organizing their wedding, that they had barely had time to be just themselves, romantic time alone.

Ashlyn's arms were holding Ali from behind, her lips ghosting over her shoulder, and Ali felt in the seventh cloud. It was funny how Ashlyn hadn't forgotten how to have sex, even though now and then she had to ask Ali what she liked more, but it seemed to run on instinct most of the time.

“Really? When?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

“What are we doing tomorrow morning?”

“We,” Ashlyn kissed her neck and below her ear, “are going,” she kissed up her head and temple, “to dance lessons.”

“Dance lessons?” Ali's eyes widened and she looked at Ashlyn, who grinned.

“I saw in my phone calendar that before the attack, we had scheduled to have lessons for our first dance as wife and wife, and then with me being in a wheelchair, and muscle weakness afterwards and all, it wasn't quite the time for me to return, but... I'm feeling so much better and, wasn't this the point all along? To be able to dance together at our wedding?” Ashlyn smiled, caressing her cheek as Ali turned to look at her. “I spoke with my physiotherapist, who put me in contact with a choreographer specialized in teaching couples for weddings where one of them is somewhat physically impaired. He's even taught blind people.”

“Oh, Ashlyn...” Ali felt herself incredibly touched by the gesture. She'd been imagining themselves slow dancing for the first time alone in a dance floor, with everyone looking, for the first time being so intimate in public, showing their love, and she thought that dream was dead after Ashlyn's injuries. “I would love that. Absolutely.”

Ashlyn grinned.

“I'm dying to dance with you for the rest of my life,” Ashlyn said, kissing her softly. “Hey, speaking of dancing and music, I have this song stuck in my head that I have no idea where it came from, it says something like... _bring me a higher love_ ,” she sung a little. Ali's eyebrows raised and she turned fully to face her.

“You remember that song?”

“Why what is it?”

Ali couldn't stop herself from grinning if she wanted, caressing her face.

“Baby that's _our_ song!” said Ali enthusiastically. “It's the first song we ever danced to together, in a club years ago. Originally, it's Whitney Houston's 'Higher love' from 1990, but Kygo made another this summer.”

“Really?” Ashlyn looked enthusiastic. “Put it on the phone, I want to listen.”

“Oh I'll do better, let me go five seconds.”

“Uhm... fine, but I'm counting,” Ashlyn gave her one last squeeze and released her, observing with enjoyment as Ali got up butt naked and walked to their music equipment area, finding a CD between their collection and putting it on the player. The original Whitney Houston's 'Higher love' started sounding and Ali walked back to Ashlyn contouring her hips and humming along until Ashlyn had her arms and legs gripping her again. The song was just so familiar to Ashlyn. “And you say we danced to this a decade ago?”

“About a decade ago, yeah.”

“So we're into oldies?”

“Well, we were five and six when this song came out, so technically we're older,” Ali pointed out. “But yes we like some oldies. And Whitney Houston's legendary. She's been dead for seven years now though.”

“I like it,” Ashlyn decided, nudging into her neck from behind, tickling her neck with her eyelashes. “Am I your higher love?” she asked with a smirk as the song kept playing. Ali chuckled, moving a hand back to caress her hair.

“Depends on how many more orgasms can you give me today...” she insinuated jokingly, and Ashlyn raised her eyebrows.

“I better put in some effort, uh?” Ali's laughter filled the room as Ashlyn pressed open-mouthed kissed on her neck, laughter that would soon turn into moans.

**. . .**

The next day at the dance classes it was awfully fun. Even when Ashlyn needed certain breaks because her legs and hips weren't so strong yet, she equally enjoyed the instructor dancing with Ali in her place. And Ali was laughing and having so much fun that it was just wonderful. After the lessons, the instructor told them to come back with the song they wanted for their first dance, or the songs between which they had to decide for it, and she'd help them prepare the dance.

So after the dancing, Ashlyn took her to a romantic lunch at a restaurant, and while they ate, talked and laughed, enjoying their time together while resting from so much dancing, they discussed first dance options. They decided on slow-dancing, because for Ashlyn it was easier, so she could support on Ali somewhat if she wasn't feeling completely strong yet.

“We hadn't picked anything before?” Ashlyn asked her as they ate dessert.

“We tried, but no song seemed good enough,” Ali explained. “It occurs to me... there was a song you proposed months ago, and I wasn't too sure then, but now I think it would be a good option.”

“Let's see if I agree with my past self,” Ashlyn joked. “Which one is it?”

“This one, but pay attention to the lyrics, uh?” Ali put the earphones in Ashlyn's ears and plugged them to her phone, playing the song 'I belong to you' by Jacob Lee.

Ali watched as Ashlyn read the lyrics on the phone while listening to the song, and her head started moving with the rhythm, while she was more and more into the song. At last, by the time the song ended, she had a smile on her face. She looked up at Ali and said:

“I think this one's perfect.”

Back at home, they couldn't relax anymore. They had a Thanksgiving trip to prepare, as they were going to Satellite Beach the next morning to spend it with the Harris-Habovick clan, and last-minute wedding planning followed, as it had been paused for over a month when Ashlyn was at her worst and now was a matter of catching up before the wedding on the evening of December 31st, when they would say 'I do'.

Ashlyn had already gotten reacquainted with the suit she had initially picked in May, before she had gotten injured. It was a Tom Ford white jacquard coat with a golden jackquard bowtie and a golden satin low waistcoat, white shirt and white tuxedo trousers, and although she had initially been surprised she was one to wear suits instead of dresses, and didn't own a single dress, she had then admitted she still fancied suits more. After all, she had barely bought herself any clothing since her injury, and her taste in clothing seemed to not have changed.

“We'll get phonecalls from the organizers if they need anything anyway,” Ali said stressed as she packed for the Thanksgiving trip. “And I hope you still like Bora Bora for our honeymoon trip, because I don't think we can change it at this point...”

“Baby,” Ashlyn came from behind, putting her hands on her upper arms. “It's okay. Relax.” She kissed her shoulder and Ali let out a long breath leaning back against her.

“I just worry that we planned most of this before the injury and now you won't have the same likes and hate it all.”

Ashlyn smirked, shaking her head.

“Point one, I've seen what we've planned and I love it. And point two, I just want to marry you. A castle wedding is cool as hell, but I'd marry you anywhere as long as in the end, we'd be wife and wife.”No matter what we do, it'll be perfect because you'll be my wife, you're all it takes to make it perfect.”

Ali smiled small,wrapping Ashlyn's arms around herself.

“Have I told you how much I love you?” Ashlyn smirked.

“You can always tell me a hundred times more.”

“Well we have several hours to Satellite, I might as well make the most of it...”

  
  


  
  



	20. The past that haunts us

**Chapter 20: The past that haunts us.**

Between the oddities of waking up after coma with no recollection of herself or her life was discovering her own body. And more, when your body was like Ashlyn's.

The young former goalkeeper was standing naked in front of the bedroom in the bathroom closest to her old bedroom at her grandparents' house. She had just showered and was standing with a towel around her waist and the crutches under her armpits, doing her hair and make-up, when she looked down at her body and decided to go over it for a moment. Her intricate tattoos were a continuous source of curiosity; she would go over them over and over, looking close, and sometimes ask Ali about their story. Ali knew every story of her and her tattoos there was to know, and had a privileged memory to recall them all.

She saw her history in her body. Scars not just from her latest surgeries and IVs, but also from surgeries of the past -particularly knee ones- that Ali had told her all about. Moles more recent or less, abs and muscle here and there indicating years of being an athlete, freckles over sun-kissed skin that told about all the days she must've spent out there surfing and skating under the Florida sun, small breasts from how much sport had she done reducing her grease... her fingers broke through her dark locks of hair.

Having been shaved by the doctors nearly three months before, she hadn't had another haircut, and now her hair was short yet long enough for the front of it to reach the tip of her nose if she pulled a little. It didn't touch her shoulders yet, but give it a couple months more and it probably would. It was dark now, not like the photographs she had seen where it was blonde. There were some grey hairs too, just two or three, from stress, and Ali said she had them too, but that they both dyed now and then. Ali always dyed, as she had said, as close as possible to her natural darkness, but Ashlyn usually played with blondes; she had been blonde as a baby, toddler, and dirty blonde for most of her childhood and teens, until it had darkened more and more and was now dark brown, not as dark as Ali's, but still quite dark. Ali said Ashlyn once told her that she liked to keep blonde highlights at the very least, because seeing herself so dark in the mirror every day depressed her a little. The new Ashlyn didn't have that issue; she wasn't thinking of dying for the wedding. Maybe ask Kyle, who she had been told was a hairdresser, to clean it up a little so it wasn't such a mess of waves in different, messy lengths, but just that.

“You don't look bad for someone who was almost a dead body three months ago, uh?” Ashlyn told her own reflection in the mirror. Her legs were starting to feel too tired to keep her standing, so she sat down on the toilet and, with hands that weren't as fast, skilled and capable as they probably once were, she pushed her hair backwards with some product she had already owned before the attack and that apparently made her hair look like she had been surfing. She didn't remember surfing, so she had no idea what that meant, she just knew she liked the result.

She kept her make-up soft. It was one of the things Ali had had to teach her for the daily life, along with shaving. Miraculously Ashlyn remembered waxing, how she liked her eyebrows, and her underwear preferences, but Ali had to remind her how to do her make-up, what each beauty product she owned was for, or even how her very modern toothbrush worked (Ashlyn was in disbelief when Ali showed her it could be put under a special light that disinfected it every single time). She spent at least twelve of the 24h of the day sleeping now, because of how tiring it was to learn so much, just like a baby. Sometimes it was in a row, but most of the time it broke in naps, and she was thankful to have Ali to explain it to her own family, who sometimes didn't understand what was she doing in bed at certain hours of the day, or how was she so tired _already_. She felt so lucky for having Ali, and for remembering what being in love felt like and feeling such way for her future wife.

Putting on her earrings, Ashlyn started getting dressed from her spot sitting on the toilet. She had her batman ladies' boxers, and was soon putting on her sports bra and a button-down shirt her mother had gifted her for her birthday the month before. Once she was ready, she walked out and she almost collided with Ali, who was about to knock on her door.

“Hey there!” Ali grinned at her. “You look so nice!”

“So do you,” Ashlyn took her hand and made her spin so she could see her pretty dress.

“Thanks,” Ali blushed. “I was going to ask you if you want to stroll by the beach? Mama says we have time before dinner is ready.”

Ashlyn had learned that everyone called her paternal grandparents Mama and Papa. Apparently, Ashlyn's parents had once been so busy working incredible schedules for little money just to get to the end of the month, and dealing with alcohol and drug issues, that Ashlyn had practically lived at her grandparents', along with her brother and two cousins who would often hang with them when their parents worked long hours too. Thus, the cousins were super close to their grandparents, and Ashlyn could explain why she had always felt a strange intense fondness for them, since day one. She just felt so comfortable around them, loved, and like she wanted to do only good things for them.

“All right,” Ashlyn hadn't visited the beach yet, only seen it from the car. They had been too busy, and she had been in a wheelchair for long, and wheelchairs didn't wheel easily in the sand. “Let's go princess.”

They bid farewell to the grandparents that were organizing Thanksgiving -they had helped through the day- and Ali guided her around. It was so strange to be in her own hometown yet need someone else to explain it to her. Fortunately, it seemed Ali had learned a bunch from Ashlyn in all their relationship, and had an amazing memory to remind Ashlyn of everything she'd forgotten, explain her buildings and tell her Ashlyn's own life anecdotes, or tell her who the passer-by they just saluted was.

“And that's where you almost broke your face learning to ride a bicycle with your Dad,” Ali pointed to a post in a corner. “Quick reflexes saved your ass.” She added with a knowing smirk.

“This place hasn't really changed much in thirty-four years, hasn't it?” Ashlyn commented.

“I guess not. Do you like it?”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn nodded, “it has a vibe I thoroughly enjoy. Why do so many people walk barefoot, though?”

Ali snorted a laugh, following her gaze to a group of teens walking in the opposite pavement without shoes.

“You call it beach-town things and you love it,” Ali informed amused. “But where I grew up it was all forests, so I wouldn't understand.”

Ashlyn looked fondly at her, and they sat on a bench to remove their flip-flops too, as they were at the entrance of the beach.

“I'd like to go to Virginia,” Ashlyn commented, standing back up on her crutches while Ali took both their flip-flops in one hand and pulled-up Ashlyn's trouser sleeves in case she wanted to wet her feet. “See the place where you grew up.”

“Aw, you always loved the big trees there,” Ali remembered, walking with her. “You dreamed with a wedding in the forest and all. Thankfully I convinced you that in New Year's Eve in Virginia was not going to work with the coldness, and you were set on New Year's Eve.”

“You do so much for me. What did you want?”

“A princess wedding, and believe me I got it,” Ali chuckled. “Still remember how excited I was when you surprised me telling me you managed to book the very-popularly-demanded castle I wanted.” Ashlyn side-smiled.

“I'm glad I got to give back.”

“Oh you do plenty of things for me. We spend life spoiling each other rotten.”

Ashlyn chuckled, and looked up at the ocean.

“Woah, it's super pretty here.”

“Paris is all the way there, somewhere,” Ali said pointing forward. “And Portugal. It's what you always said. I guess it's part of what makes us such a good match, beach girl and forest girl. We're both whole new, amazing worlds for the other.”

“You're right.”

They walked together by the shore, their feet becoming freshly wet in the salty water, and Ashlyn enjoyed the breeze from the ocean, the views, the salt smell and the company. At last, they sat on the sand to watch the sunset.

“Hey Alex,” Ashlyn said as their hands intertwined on Ali's lap. “Do you ever feel like you're mourning the old Ash? Like,” she added as Ali looked surprised at her, “you miss her, and feel like she died and should be mourned?”

“Well...” Ali sighed. “It's not exactly like that. For me, most of the time it's like going back to the early stages of our dating, getting to know each other again, with the advantage that the feelings of a mature relationship are there, along with the firm, faithful compromise. Sometimes I do miss parts of who you were... but I feel bad for you, not for me. Because you have to start all over, and I got to know parts of you you don't even know anymore, see your whole awesomeness... and sometimes I wish you could remember bits of it. To see yourself with my eyes, and not feel so lost. But no, it doesn't feel like my Ashlyn died. It's just... changes, small ones. But when I look at you in the eye, I see the exact same woman I've been in love with for so long, and it feels just as right as always.” She added, smiling up at her. Ashlyn had noticed she smiled a lot, and she loved her smile. It was so sincere and lighted-up the world.

“It's true it feels right,” Ashlyn agreed. “It's odd how my brain damage allows me to keep that. Both a blessing and a curse to keep feelings intact for everyone... but I know it was lucky. For what I saw in the rehab facility, it could've been so, so much worse it's scary. I saw this teen who couldn't do more than sit, look at you, and make unintelligible sounds. It was heartbreaking.”

“Poor thing,” Ali leaned her head on her shoulder. “I guess maybe God exists after all. Or you just have some unbelievable good karma, which wouldn't be weird at all.”

“You did mention I did plenty of concussion-prevention exercises,” Ashlyn pointed out. “And I pretty much got paid for throwing myself around and getting accidentally bumped or hit at times. Guess I was trained for this.” Ali smiled small, and Ashlyn nudged her gently with her elbow. “Why don't you go to therapy?”

“I have a sports psychologist and the support group for relatives of TBI patients, what else would I possibly need?”

“I'm not talking of dealing with sports stuff or career issues or being the fiancée of a TBI issues,” Ashlyn said. “Just, you know... I know you have PTSD.”

“PTSD? Me? No,” Ali frowned, confused. “Why would I?”

“Because you were sitting down drinking coffee and having a laugh with your family while, unbeknownst to you, your fiancée was almost killed only about a hundred feet from the building you were at,” Ashlyn said gently, looking at her. She saw Ali's eyelids narrow slightly as it often happened when she was talking about important personal things. “You feel guilty. And you still see me bleeding on the floor with those people beating me up when you close your eyes. You still dream with the anguishing ambulance ride seeing me struggle to survive, and with the sleep-deprived, anguishing days and nights sitting in waiting rooms just waiting for news. I'm pretty sure that if you just think about it, you can still see me in the ICU attached to all the machines, and hear them, as clearly as if it had been yesterday.”

Ali didn't deny any of that. She looked serious and when she spoke, her voice was deep and low as it was when they had intimate conversations.

“How do you know?”

“I wasn't sure before. But now I've been between therapists long enough to see clearly, and I see it in you all the time. I know I sleep more than you these days, but I actually do wake up plenty during the night, and although I go back to sleep quite fast, I still have time to see how you frown, groan and wrestle in your sleep. I still see the bags under your eyes growing. The way in which you look such a mixture of emotions when the physiotherapists or doctors talk about me, and I always thought what I saw was your anger to the people that attack me, but then I realized it was also to yourself. I see how you overworry, overstress, overanalyse every little thing to make sure _I_ am totally covered and comfortable to the point of exaggeration, and the way you bit your lip and paralysed for a moment when you were cleaning my back wound after the last surgery and there was a bit of blood. I told my therapist, and he told me you're going through PTSD and survivor's guilt, and that it's perfectly normal given your situation, so you can talk about it normally, and it's okay.”

Ali pursed her lips, frowned, and stared into the ocean.

“No, it's not my place to struggle, you're the one that went through a hugely traumatic experience. I don't get to suffer, I'm a caretaker now.”

“Alex, don't be crazy, of course you get to struggle and suffer, and be hurt and anything else you may be feeling,” Ashlyn squeezed her hand. “If the situation was reversed, I would've gone nuts. Nobody expects you to be fine.”

“But it's not me who lost recollection of a whole life,” argued Ali, looking back at her, “it's not me who almost died. It's you. Why would I get to not be fine?”

“Because it's always a pain in the heart to see a loved one hurt, and not be able to do anything about it,” Ashlyn said softly. “You didn't get to stop them even if you were so close. You wonder what would've happen if you hadn't let me go alone. And you don't realize you saved me life. _You_. Kyle told me it was you who noticed something was wrong and ran, and he just followed. You wonder why didn't you feel I was in trouble if we're so connected, but you did, and you came to my rescue, and if it wasn't for you, I'd be dead. That's the only thing you should blame yourself for.”

Ali's lip trembled and she bit it, looking down. Ashlyn's hand travelled from Ali's, up her arm and to her shoulder, where it stayed.

“I just—,” Ali shook her head. “At what price are you alive? You lost yourself. If I had only shown-up sooner, or accompanied you outside... if I...”

“If _I_? no. If _they_ raised their kids right, those kids would grow-up to be adults worth befriending. If _they_ were respectful, loving, and more like the Jesus they claim to be speaking for, _I_ would've been fine. It was not your fault. It could never be. Besides,” Ashlyn shrugged, “I've long passed the phase of feeling like I lost my life. Now I see I only gained a life with you. What a nightmare, uh?” she added jokingly, smirking a little and pressing a smooch on her shoulder.

“I guess so but...” Ali shrugged. “I can't help it, Ash. You're right. I keep seeing what happened. I keep thinking of how painful all those weeks were. I keep trying to find a way to... make some justice or something. But I know there'll be no justice.”

“What do you mean?”

“That even if they were all caught, including the guy you remembered, what difference would it make?” Ali looked conflicted. “The damage cannot be undone. And if we're lucky, they'll go to prison about ten or fifteen years. I consulted out lawyer, Ashlyn. That's about as much as they'll be sentenced for. They get to punch several lives straight through the heart, change a bunch of lives forever, and in ten years they're out. And if they try to find you again then and finish what they started? That'll be fun. And hey, that is if we can even prove it was attempted murder, because if they manage to convince the jury it was merely assault, it won't even be that much of a sentence.”

Ashlyn blinked in surprise, not knowing about that. She hadn't really worried so much about it.

“I agree it's not fair, but we'll get restraining orders,” Ashlyn offered, “and in any case, Ali... we can only act upon what we can control. The only thing that really matters to me is that you and I are together and happy, because as you said, more years in prison for them wouldn't undo the damage done.”

Ali bit her lip again and shrugged in defeat.

“I just wish things were fairer.”

“Me too,” Ashlyn wrapped her arms around her. “Come to therapy with me, okay? Don't let them have so much power over you.”

The defender nodded against her chest.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

  
  



	21. Gratefulness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas!

**Chapter 21: Gratefulness.**

Thanksgiving was to be thankful for your blessings. Family, friends, jobs, and now more than ever, the luck that kept Ashlyn alive. Ashlyn's grandparents had gotten her a piano keyboard on her birthday so she could play wherever she went, and now the former goalkeeper had retreated to it, after dinner, while the family enjoyed the free music -even when Ashlyn was still a learner and it didn't always sound flawless- gathered in the three-piece suite.

A portion of the guests had already left, as it was getting late, but Ali was still accompanied by Kyle and her Dad, who had been invited over because, as Debbie had Thanksgiving with her in-laws this year -and would spend the entire Christmas and New Year's festivities with her children- Kyle and Ali had wanted to make their father company after he had recently separated from his second wife, so he wouldn't be lonely. And the Harrises had gladly invited them to join.

Others in the room drinking fine whiskey on the rocks, liquor, wine, or soft drinks were Ashlyn's Dad Mike, who was chatting animatedly with Ken, Chris, the grandparents, Aunt Tina with her husband Chris Colon, and her children David and Carlin. Ali reflected how common divorce was in Ashlyn's and her own families. Tina's husband had vanished one day nineteen years ago leaving behind only a note saying he wanted more for himself. Luckily, Tina had found a great guy afterwards, the only one Ashlyn called uncle, but David had still gotten so depressed he had dove straight into drugs until a sudden religiousness saved him. Ashlyn's parents were divorced as well, yet never remarried. For the Harrises, the biggest example of love and source of admiration came from Eunice and Curtis, the grandparents, who had been together since they were seventeen.

She wondered if Ashlyn and herself would manage to make their marriage successful when Ashlyn had forgotten its very foundation, or succumb into a destiny no one in their family had been able to avoid for the past few decades.

“How's Pete, Carlin?” Ali asked, holding a glass of wine in her hand and looking at her cousin-in-law. Carlin's boyfriend Pete was an EMT, and he was on duty tonight.

“He's fine, excited about having New Year's Eve free this year to come to the wedding,” Carlin smiled. “Are you guys still going to Bora Bora afterwards? Ash's doctor approved?”

“Yeah,” Ali nodded, glancing at her fiancée, who was absorbed in the keyboard just six or seven metres from them, giving her big goalkeeper hands a new use. Ali understood what made Ashlyn so obsessed for the piano now. It wasn't even liking music, it was seeing her hands work again, training them, and the way the piano soothed her racing mind. It couldn't work if it was drums. “Dr Bennett said she should be ready for the long flight by then, but she handed me a list of doctors I can contact there if anything goes off. Colleagues of hers who speak English.”

“That doctor is really nice,” Eunice chimed in, “isn't she? Caring so much.”

“She is,” Ali agreed, glancing at Ashlyn again through the dimly-lit room. Ashlyn's phone rang and she merely talked in it for a few minutes before she walked calmly to Ali and extender her phone to her, looking dumbfounded.

“It's the cop in Philadelphia. He's using words I don't know.”

“Oh,” Ali nodded, taking the phone from her so Ashlyn went back to the music. It often happened, when Ashlyn answered the phone at home or her own, that she had to pass it on to Ali because she no longer spoke certain slang, knew certain words, or understood certain jargon. Besides, the Ashlyn before the attack had been an hyperactive ball of energy, the puppy in the relationship, while Ali was more the kitten. However, the new Ashlyn was rather soft, calm and quiet, and would not always feel like talking to anyone. So Ali brought the phone to her ear without making questions. “It's Ali Krieger.”

Ali zoned out from the group and focused on the phone conversation as the police detective spoke. They had finally identified the suspect Ashlyn had clearly described, and it was Gavin Rourke, a Ku Klux Klan supporter and member they had found through social networks, where he repeatedly insulted the LGBT collective and seemed to be specially against Ashlyn, who he trashed very often. The detectives had been struggling to find the link that tied all the suspects together, but they finally found it with Rourke; all had found each other through their mutual dislike to the LGBTQ+ community, Ashlyn, the black and the different online, all belonged or were children of people who belonged to the KKK, all were white supremacists, men, and had bonded online. Rourke had tried to delete all trace in his computer, but he had a record after being accused of rape at 17, not condemned, and then of fraud in his 20s, for what he spent a few months in prison, and cyber-bullying with death threats, for which he got out with just a fine, aside from another attempted murder five years before against a gay marriage of two white men in Oregon, so the police had such interest on catching him that they had invested every resource, and found traces of emails sent back and forth with the other men who had been arrested, and in the emails, they described possible ways of killing Ashlyn 'each more disgusting and bloody than the last', according to the investigators, and at last one of them informed she was in his neighbourhood in Philadelphia and suggested that, if they all came over, they could 'go gay-cleaning'.

“Rourke had offered to take care of the body,” said the agent into Ali's ear as Ali felt transfixed, petrified, “he wanted to... well...”

“What?”

“Cut it up,” Ali felt bile rise to her throat. “Get rid of any traces.”

“Then why did they attack her in plain sight?”

“They were going to beat her unconscious and kidnap her to then have more fun. They weren't going to be outside more than a couple minutes, Rourke explained he'd park his truck around the corner to get her real fast, and they wouldn't come out until they were sure the area was clear. But it seems like they were enjoying themselves so much that time flew, and they didn't realize they had been out so long. We've put an international order of arrest on Rourke.”

“What do you mean you haven't gotten him?” Ali said anxiously. She had walked off to the kitchen.

“We barged into his house in New Jersey, but he had ran off the backdoor and into his truck, and left some domestic explosive devices at the house that almost ended my team, so we couldn't follow him. But don't worry, we'll put security at your wedding-”

“Don't worry?! He's with the KKK!” she whisper-yelled, not wanting for anyone to hear and get worried. “And we did reveal months ago that the wedding is in a castle in Miami in New Year's Eve. There aren't many castles in Miami, detective, so guess what? This guy has over a month to plan the perfect strike and end what he started. And the wedding will be full of gays, black, even Jews... it'll be like a birthday party for him. We have to suspend the wedding.”

“If you suspend it he'll go straight to your house,” the detective reasoned. “Or to your families'. He knows where they live. No, the wedding needs to keep tempting him, it'll be the perfect trap. We'll fill it with undercover agents, he can't get out of the castle. We'll surround it. I swear no one but him will get hurt.”

“Are you seriously asking to have my wedding, with a hundred guests in it, be your hunting grounds?” Ali snarled. “Not in hell. I will not risk our families. There'll be children there, and elderly.”

“No, Ms Krieger, that's not what I meant. What I mean to say is that Philadelphia's Police Department is working closely with both New Jersey and Orlando PD, that we'll also involve Miami PD, and we'll make sure to send extra security to your neighbourhood, and put every effort on catching this criminal. Airports have been informed, frontier patrols, ports... there's no way Rourke goes anywhere out of America. And if he goes to Florida, he'll have to drive, so we've given warning to all gas stations in those routes, turnpikes and control patrols. We have numerous agents after him, and we'll do everything in our power to catch him before your wedding, but if we're not on time, we will have to introduce undercover agents and extra security at the wedding. And what I also mean to say is that cancelling the wedding wouldn't help your family or friends or yourselves, because it'll be harder for us to protect you all if you're in twenty different locations at home, than in a fortified castle at once.”

Ali pressed her lips and clenched her teeth, angry, but at last nodded for herself.

“Fine. The wedding's up. But I don't like this one bit.”

Ashlyn didn't ask what the call was about, and when they cuddled in bed at night, it was Ali who spooned her fiancée, her head immersed in their issues. She was so worried, but she didn't want to tell anyone; the last thing they all needed was one more reason to be overly stressed.

However, Ashlyn noticed something was up, and in the morning, as the two had breakfast at a place by the beach, she pressured Ali until the defender told her what was going on. The news made Ashlyn stop eating and look serious at Ali.

“Is there any real reason to believe he'll try to finish the job?” Ashlyn asked Ali then. “I mean, he could've done it all this time, he hasn't. Maybe he's just hiding.”

“That's what I hope baby, because otherwise everyone we love is in danger, particularly you. Won't matter if we cancel the wedding or not,” Ali sighed, shaking her head. “Apparently police found really strong evidence, they really think he'll come after you. They'll send more cops to our neighbourhood in Orlando.”

“Okay well, I don't want you to stress about this anymore, babe. We're getting married! Let's just enjoy that, okay?”

“How am I going to enjoy knowing we may all just get killed?”

“That's not gonna happen,” Ashlyn assured her. “If he wanted, he could've followed us here and he could've killed me yesterday afternoon when I went grocery shopping on my own for the dinner stuff Mama realized we were missing. He didn't. He's trying to escape from police now, not kill me. He's not so brave without his guys, I'm telling you.”


	22. What our future holds now

**Chapter 22: What our future holds now.**

December brought Orlando rain and thunder, plus really cold temperatures. They didn't stop Ali from training her daily routines, even with her private coaches, or Ashlyn from focusing on her rehabilitation. They wanted to be at the top of their game for the big day and for every day after. Ali was joining Ashlyn in therapy and sleeping somewhat better, although it was still too soon for a huge progress, so Ashlyn wasn't surprised to see her fiancée seemed to have a lot on her mind lately. It was also unsurprising given how close the wedding was.

“I can't wait to marry you,” Ashlyn said kissing her naked shoulder after an intense love-making session she had provoked to relax her. And Ali did seem more relaxed now, rolling to smile at her and pull her closer in the bed.

“You're perfect, you know?”

“I do try,” Ashlyn kissed up her neck. “It's just what you deserve, princess.”

“Oh you're way more than what I deserve,” Ali closed her eyes and sighed in content, burying a hand in her fiancée's short hair.

Ashlyn observed her for a few moments, just enjoying the view, caressing the tanned skin, staring into the eyes that, even when closed, drove her crazy with those long eyelashes.

“So, next month you'll be back with the National Team, right?” Ashlyn said then, caressing Ali's lips with her thumb. “Going to get qualified for an Olympics, uh? Because you got called-up, right?”

“For January camp yes,” Ali shrugged, opening her eyes. “I don't know if it would be for the Olympics. Which reminds me that... I have to call the coach and tell her I'm not going.”

After Coach Jill Ellis had left the National Team, Kate Markgraf had been appointed General Manager and named Utah Royals' Coach Laura Harvey as the new Coach in the team a few months before.

“Why wouldn't you be going?” Ashlyn asked with a frown.

“That's what I wanted to talk to you about,” said Ali then, looking guilty. “I meant to do it way sooner, but we've been so busy it honestly slipped my mind.”

“What is it?”

Ali released a long sigh and then just said it.

“I no longer want to be a professional soccer player,” Ali said, and Ashlyn, who had seen countless videos of her career, seen her live, knew how good she was and how passionate she was, and had been told by Kyle and her parents-in-law just how much Ali loved football a million times, was shocked. Her eyebrows raised high and her jaw fell.

“You're not serious.”

“I'll play one last season with the Pride, so they don't lose two big names at once,” said Ali, because they had already discussed how Ashlyn wasn't really interested in making a great comeback, even if her doctor hadn't firmly opposed a comeback, “but this will be my last. And I give up on the Olympics. I don't want to play another year with the National Team.”

It was the first time Ali said it out loud to someone other than her therapist in private, and the public acknowledgement made things so firm that she couldn't help it when her eyes filled with tears.

“Don't be silly, of course you want to continue playing, you're about to cry just for saying otherwise,” Ashlyn reasoned. “And you should play, even I can see how great you are at it, Ali, you were born for this.”

“I get emotional because it's a huge decision and not an easy one. It was always going to be a very difficult thing to do, always. But I mean it, and when I was at the last camp early last month I only saw it more clearly. In seven months I'll be thirty-six, I always knew retirement would come at around that age... and I just earned my 100th National Cap this year, barely playing games with them anyway anymore... so better retire at the top of my game before they kick me out at my lowest.”

“But baby, why? You're amazing at this. You love the national girls, you love that team, the training... you said you'd walk through a brick wall for them, even if it meant warming bench. Have you thought this through?”

“I've been thinking about this since you got injured, Ashlyn,” Ali confessed. “I don't enjoy football as much anymore without you. I don't enjoy neither team so much. I don't enjoy training so much. Every time I'm there, I'm just wishing I were here with you.”

“Alex, come on,” Ashlyn puffed and sat up. “I can't be the reason you end your flawless career. I can't with that, okay? No, get your head out your ass, you need to stay in the game.”

“You're not the reason, Ash! If you were still playing I'd still only have this year, maybe one more before a full retirement,” Ali assured her. “And so would you! We've talked about it plenty this year, even though you don't know.”

“So don't rush it! Have that year or two.”

“But I don't want to,” Ali smiled sadly. “I'll retire slowly doing the National Team before Club just like many of our friends have. So I will still play a lot this incoming year. But Ash, I almost lost you and now... I just feel I want to enjoy you more. I don't want to spend so much time on the road and if I go to the Olympics, I'll be away for so long...”

“But you wanted the Olympics. Wasn't it our dream? Both of us at the Olympics. Winning together as always. It was going to be the first time I had real chances of playing,” Ashlyn said. “Don't you want to make the dream true for the both of us? Since I can't?”

“A part of me does. But the bigger part sees now that not every medal in the world could console me if I devoted more time to being away from you than with you,” Ali shrugged. “Time is priceless. You are priceless. And you're far more important to me than the Olympics.”

Ashlyn shook her head, scowling.

“You're going to make me feel so guilty—,”

“Well don't! It's not on you. Baby, is not because I'm afraid something will happen when I'm away. I'm aware retirement means finding a new job and I'll still have work trips and be busy, but,” Ali sat up too, “it's not about that. It's about realizing my whole glory is here, not in Tokyo, love. You are my World Cups, my Olympics... hanging out with you doing what we were both so passionate about was part of the fun... and I've only just realized I have more fun just being with you, even if it's not playing football. I love you more. I want you more. If that attack has done one good thing is putting things in perspective for me babe... and now I see all I ever wanted is not there, but here with you. Instead of going to the Olympics... I dream of watching them with you. Of starting the process to adopt kids like we wanted. Of travelling together for fun, not for work. I just can't wait to start life with you out of football, because I know it's going to be the best part yet. Besides, what's the point on going there to scrape ten minutes on the field? I'm just going to be dying to come home to you all the time. I'm not going to enjoy it.”

Ashlyn took a deep breath and looked in all seriousness at her, taking her hand.

“Are you hundred percent sure of this?” Ashlyn asked. “There's no going back.”

“I'm sure,” Ali nodded, squeezing her hand, “I've thought this thoroughly. I want to leave the National Team on my own terms. At the top of the wave. And I want to become a coach and one day, buy the Pride and make it the best in the league.” She added with a fresh wave of excitement. Ashlyn laughed at her sudden excitement.

“You will,” Ashlyn agreed, nodding. “I'm sure you will. And I will support you through every step of the way baby, no matter what. Whatever you decide, you've got my full support.”

Ali beamed at her, kissing her softly.

“I'll call Laura Harvey today. And then Marc. And then Kyle and my parents and... then I'll make it public news.”

“I couldn't possibly be prouder of you,” Ashlyn pressed her lips against her temple and sat up, slowly making her way out of the bed. Ali groaned and tried to grab her, but Ashlyn snorted a laugh, shaking her head. “No, I have to go get showered and eat, I'm starved. And you have big phone calls to make.”

“But you're far sexier than the phone...”

Ashlyn wiggled her ass jokingly as she walked towards the bathroom and Ali chuckled, watching her while she could only think how blessed she really was.


	23. When the lights go out

**Chapter 23: When the lights go out.**

A loud deep groan escaped Ashlyn's lips as she managed to lift one leg high up while lying horizontally on a massage table at her physiotherapist's practice, without any help.

“There you have it, focus on the feeling of your muscles, feel what you need to move,” the physiotherapist said as her leg descended slowly only to ascend again, slowly. “The movement starts in your back muscles, your hips and pelvis prepare, feel how they rotate a bit? And then these muscles tighten...”

Ashlyn focused on the indications as she always did, although in a corner of her brain she was counting for the moment to get out and go home. It had been a full December day; dance class, last minute wedding check-list, and physiotherapy. She was mentally and physically drained and ready to sleep and eat at once.

“Hello gorgeous!” Ali's beaming smile from her car seat as Ashlyn entered the vehicle, throwing her crutches to the back, was worth her pain. “How did it go?”

“Hey,” Ashlyn leaned to peck her cheek, “it was okay. How was your day?”

“Well I finally made it public that I'm stepping out of the National Team. Gave a full statement, Kate let me announce that the farewell game will be the one we have late in January, and that will be my last camp. Just like we agreed.”

“Woah, okay,” Ashlyn nodded slowly, staring at her profile as the drove away. “So it's done.”

“Yes, and now I had to turn off my phone because it was about to catch fire,” Ali snorted a laugh. “You're still good for me leaving a whole couple weeks in January, right?”

“Sure thing, I told you, I'll just have a family visit in Florida, do my exercises, take it easy,” Ashlyn said, not for the first time. “How are you feeling though?” she inquired.

Ali shrugged.

“Is it odd that now that it's settled I actually feel kinda... relieved? Like I'm set free to pursue other things... I'm actually excited about getting another coaching license. Focus on the camps more.”

“I'm so glad you'll get other things to be passionate about,” Ashlyn managed a small smile, squeezing her thigh gently.

That was an odd point for Ashlyn now. She had passions; her recent one for music, but her all-time one for creative work, painting, art... she wanted to do sports again, had done some skating in physiotherapy and always found it so cool, wanted to learn to surf again... but as far as a passion to devote her life to, now she found herself empty, like a shell. Ali said she wanted to do modelling in the past, but now she wasn't feeling it so much anymore. Truth was getting in front of the camera wasn't uncomfortable, but she didn't feel as relaxed as usual. Ali had told her she had also wanted to design, and that was something she could see herself doing, painting things, but she wasn't sure she wanted to draw clothes. So without soccer and without memory, she was lost in a world full of possibilities, not feeling attached to any in particular. How could she develop attachment or fondness for career paths without memory? It was like asking a toddler what their favourite job was. They couldn't even know the possibilities.

On the other side, Ali was full of passions, particularly for sports. Sports were her whole life, in the way they once were for Ashlyn, and so the former goalkeeper felt somewhat jealous at times.

“Have you made a decision?” Ali was asking then. Ashlyn realized her mind had drifted away and she was lost.

“About?”

“Didn't you hear me?” Ali side-smiled, getting the car into their driveway. “About when you want your retirement things, Ash.”

Ashlyn had had a remarkable career, it turned out. At 17, she won Florida State Championship playing with a club called U-17 Indialantic Force. She had also won two state championships playing for her high school team before she was even 18 yet. She was only nearly 19 when Soccer America named her the nation's number one recruit, aside from being named Gatorade Player of the Year, and NSCAA Player of the Year. She was so good, apparently, that by the time she had finished high school, Ashlyn was a four-time Parade Magazine All-American, a four-time NSCAA Youth All-American, and a McDonald's All-American, plus the first female to be named to four consecutive Parade All-American soccer teams. Grandma Eunice happily told Ashlyn that afterwards she was named Florida Player of the Year for her last two years at Satellite High School, and made All-Conference, All-District, and All-States teams for four years. In her 65 career games at Satellite High School, she recorded 50 shutouts and had 0.29 goals against average. And still managed to graduate with a 3.8 GPA.

But that wasn't what made the world of soccer feel so blessed to have had her. She had gone off to NCU and got the 2006 Atlantic Coast Conference Academic Honor Roll team, captained the USWNT U-19 to a World Cup win, won NCAA tournaments and then proceeded with a 10-year long senior club career, aside from belonging to the USWNT. Ashlyn then won the 2011 WPS Championship, was named 2011 Coast Guard Goalkeeper of the Year, played in the UEFA Champions League, almost won NWSL Championships a couple times, and when it came to national career, she had been there from the age of 14, 21 years. She was an Olympian and a World Champion. She had given her whole life to soccer, and almost died for being in the wrong place in the wrong time, due to soccer precisely, and because of people's homophobia.

So US Soccer, pushed by all the public clamour and indignation following the homophobic attack, and by the fans, was forced to recognize the special circumstances in which Ashlyn had been forced out of her incredible career, and the gravity of the damage she had sustained, should at least be slightly compensated by at the very least giving recognition to her career and giving her some kind of 'something' to feel a little better and not like soccer just moved on without her. Ashlyn didn't care so much, as she didn't remember her incredible career, but felt angry and sad for not remembering. Ali and her family, on the other hand, would've been outraged if she hadn't been recognized publicly.

And so in the first place, Orlando Pride, her home team, that she had captained and loved like family, and that also loved her in such way, were the first ones to ask her to pick any date she wanted, and they'd organize a mini ceremony, something not too big so she'd be more comfortable, to recognize her long club career, and all she had given to American football and to Orlando, and give her a small surprise reward. It was weird for Ashlyn, feeling as if she had gotten an award for nothing, as she didn't remember her merits, but she accepted it knowing everyone else would feel better. The same happened when US Soccer said they'd do a similar thing to recognize her National Career, honouring her at an USWNT game played in Orlando before the Olympics, and she could pick a date between January and April.

“Well,” Ashlyn shrugged, looking through the window, “it's a complicated decision, picking dates.”

First she had wanted to wait and see if she could walk with or without crutches for those things. Now that she had been assured that, she was secretly dragging it to see if she could remember more, so she'd feel more herself, more prepared, more deserving, and truly honoured, and not like something she had to do. She wanted to feel the pride for her career.

“Whenever you pick,” Ali said, “it's gonna be so cool. I'm so proud of you.”

They exited the car and as they strolled into the house, being welcomed by Logan right away, Ashlyn bit her lip, wondering if she could discuss things with Ali, if it'd help.

“Alex,” she said then, “how would you feel if Orlando Health suddenly called you and offered you a big medical prize?”

Ali snorted a laugh.

“Supposing it existed,” she stopped to fill herself a glass of water in their open kitchen, “very weirded out, like I don't deserve it, like it doesn't mean much because it doesn't make sense, but it's also cool.”

“That's how I'm feeling about these... honouring things. When it's about you,” Ashlyn got on a kitchen stool, “I'm so proud because I see how good you are and how much it means to you and I see your emotions and your disbelief and I feel how big it is. But when it comes to me... it's just strange. I don't remember that career everyone speaks so highly off. I'm trying to see if I remember it before giving a date but... I'm afraid it won't happen.”

Ali pursed her lips in deep thought as she contemplated how to help, and than sat in another stool facing her.

“You don't have to remember your actual playing, babe,” Ali said. “It's not about how many minutes you get. You see how many people love you for all you've done? TWLOHA, Trevor Project. All the letters I've shown you, all our football friends across the world that keep calling to check on you and tell you they love you. Even if you don't remember, can't you see how many people, billions across the world, adore you, admire you, and worship you? That's what this is about. That's what you should feel proud of, what truly grants you an award. The best player in the world wouldn't get these types of honours. The best people do. You need to see all you've provoked, feel how these people are so grateful for you and you are their hero because you saved their lives, because you reached out to them when no one else does, and feel good about what you've done. And then, you'll see, these honours... it was the people who pushed for them to be given. So it's actually their thank you gift. Not because of your awards and professional merits... but because you knew, better than anyone else, to use soccer to bring people together and create a community of love and acceptance, where hatred, homophobia and loneliness don't exist. Where people help people because you taught them and inspired them to do so. You created a better place, Ash, for so many.”

Ali's words really hit Ashlyn to the point that she felt she knew how she wanted those 'ceremonies' to go. But before she worried about that any further, they had to deal with Ali's big announcement and the repercussions that were already happening. The moment Ali turned her phone on and typed the passwords, it began ringing and Ali gave her an apologetic expression.

“It's okay, go take it,” Ashlyn nodded with a small smile and Ali ran out, answering the phone on her way to the bedroom. Logan looked up at Ashlyn sitting on the floor with a sad expression, and Ashlyn patted her head. “She'll be back soon, pup.”

Actually, Ali returned over a couple hours later, while Ashlyn was finishing to cook spaghetti. Cooking wasn't the easiest of tasks with TBI, but she focused on reading the recipe and doing exactly what it said, point by point.

“Oh my God,” Ali said entering the kitchen. “That was long... but this smells delicious.”

“Spaghetti with tomato sauce and sausages.”

“Yay!” Ali chuckled. “So... I've got an interview for Fox Sports in three days to talk about the retirement.”

“All right,” Ashlyn nodded, focused on the cooking. “Hey, I had a thought,” she added, deciding to put out loud the things that had been around her mind for the past half an hour, “maybe I should travel to Philadelphia for a few days. To help with the case. I really want Rourke to be caught before the wedding.”

The brunette had begun grating cheese for the spaghetti into a bowl, but when she heard her fiancée's words, she stopped, surprised.

“What do you expect to do? You've already done everything you could.”

“I'll go back to the place where it happened,” said Ashlyn, “see if it sparks anything.”

“But what about your physiotherapy?”

“I should only be away for a couple days. It'll be fine.”

“Ashlyn, but what if Rourke gets you alone?” Ashlyn felt Ali's worry, and turned her full attention on her, seeing the anxious brown eyes staring at her hazel ones.

“He won't go to the place where his chances of getting caught are bigger,” reasoned the former goalkeeper. “It's gonna be fine, Alex. Police will be by my side.”

“I know, but you're my partner... of course I worry.”

“You do your media stuff, be the superstar of this family,” Ashlyn smiled small, squeezing her hand. “I'll make sure our wedding is criminal-free.”

  
  



	24. You got it in you

**Chapter 24: You got it in you.**

A loud sigh left Ashlyn's lips as she stepped into her pyjamas after a boiling hot shower. She had just arrived from two days spent in Philadelphia, helping the police, and thanks to a flight delay, she hadn't been able to see Ali before she went down-town to Fox Sports News studio for the special on her career retirement, so she was a little frustrated, although the shower helped, as well as helping with a small migraine she was getting.

At last, she took a bowl of popcorn, a glass of fresh water -since she wasn't allowed alcohol yet- and sat on the sofa checking her watch to make sure she was right on time. She settled on the sofa chaise-longue cuddled with a thick blanket and hugging the warm bowl with the fresh-out-of-microwave food, and Logan quickly jumped on the sofa next to her, not asking for popcorn, but wanting to sleep as pressed against her side as it was physically possible.

“Let's watch Mom, shall we love?” Ashlyn patted the dog. She had found that she felt an special connection with the dog, like she felt Ashlyn's vibes so well and always knew what she needed. Logan was quite touchy and wouldn't allow them personal space, which wasn't convenient when having sex, but was kinda cute any other time.

She had been watching videos of Ali, of them both together in interviews, and of the USWNT the entire flight back, and also the entire flight to Philadelphia, and she always felt herself falling more for Ali every single time she watched her, so she was sure she was going to like this. Amused with the social media, Ashlyn posted a photo of her lap with Logan's head by her bowl along the caption 'Logan's ready to watch Mom @alikrieger shine on Fox Sports ;D'.

The start of the interview was mostly introductory. Ali was looking hot as hell with a blazer over her elegant jumpsuit and short heels, her hair curled for the occasion and her signature smile bigger than a star, and the journalist nicely asked her about her career, the clubs she had played at and the experiences she had cherished.

“I think the best part of this career, the beauty of being a soccer player,” Ali was saying, “is that sports really do bring people together. Soccer has therefore given me things far more important, valuable and unforgettable than honours, trophies and medals, even World Cups, things I'll carry with me forever. Friends, a few dozen sisters for life, unbelievable experiences and adventures, and of course, the love of my life.”

“That's me,” Ashlyn grinned for herself.

“Speaking of which,” said the presenter with a chuckle, “your retirement announcement has come as a huge surprise given the fact that you only just got your 100th cap, just made it back to the USWNT after two years out, we're right on the edge of Olympics... everyone thought, I'm sure, that you'd want to play there and get another medal. So what's changed? Is it the situation at home with your fiancée, former goalkeeper Ashlyn Harris, recovering from that horrifying homophobic attack on September?”

Ali bit her lip for a moment and half shrugged.

“You know what, it's actually a complex matter, and it has been a complex decision that, to tell you the truth, began shaping in my mind the minute Ashlyn's ICU doctor told me the gravity of the situation right after the very first surgeries to save her life,” Ashlyn frowned lightly, focused on her. “My whole life, soccer has been my priority. It has been a reason to miss countless festivities, birthdays, weddings, all kinds of special occasions, and very often it was weighted on me not being able to be with my family as much. And somehow, I feel I started taking them for granted; my brother, who's my best friend, is always there cheering out for me, my family wouldn't miss a big game for the world, my parents have flown the world world after me all the time for games for as long as I've played, and even when Ashlyn and I were only dating, I made many decisions and professional choices she just had to accept and either come and join me wherever I went, or accept the subsequent distance.”

“Soccer always comes first, after all.”

“Exactly. But my family has always been far too kind with me and forgiving to get mad or push me to do otherwise. They've always been supportive and understanding, all of them,” Ali continued. “And so, up until September, seeing my age and Ashlyn's age, she's a year younger than me but goalkeepers usually retire younger than field players, seeing our wedding in just a little over a week now, we both were excited to think okay, just one more Olympics, just one, because we've never really had a chance to play together at the Olympics, and this time it looked like it really would be the one for us. But retirement was close, and we both knew it. Not just because of age; we're getting married, we want to advance in our private lives, we've always wanted to make a family of our own, adopt some children, perhaps get more dogs...” Ashlyn smiled at the thought. “So for a while we've been preparing ourselves to retire at some point after next year's Olympics, perhaps after a year or two more, at most. Neither of us wanted to play at 40, because neither of us wanted to start a new career path, with me wanting to pursue coaching and Ashlyn wanting at the time to pursue things in the world of fashion, at that age. We both preferred to become mothers younger, and to be as young and full of energy as possible before beginning a new career path, even more so for Ashlyn, who's completely changing industry.”

“So this has actually been a long time coming in your privacy?”

“Yes, quite a long time. We actually started when I began to accept I might never return to the National Team, and so I got my B coaching license and we got Logan, our dog, since we both always wanted a dog and had been postponing it so long. And we began to think, okay, so maybe this is it, and even though I was still busting my ass off for the comeback, we also wanted to be cautious, and accept the possibility that perhaps that wouldn't happen. And with Ash getting such small amount of minutes in the USWNT, we began to think that perhaps, if World Cup came and went without her getting minutes as it was, and without me playing, with thankfully didn't happen even if I got little time, maybe then it would be our cue to go and pursue other personal goals, such as family, that we had always wanted, as we felt maybe there was no point anymore to sacrifice those big dreams if all we got in exchange professionally was bench time or nothing at all, but it was a sacrifice we kept making, because for us playing internationally is really the greatest honour, always was, and we've always been dying for it, even if we only played seconds. Still it did hurt to go to all these weddings, see all our friends and family having kids, and not being able to have that too, when we wanted it so badly.”

“But you're talking about the national career retirement,” the journalist pointed out then. “Did you guys think that maybe retiring from that, while still playing for club in Orlando, would be enough to make those big family goals come true?”

“Well, somehow yes,” Ali nodded. “Since we were always planning on adoption, our bodies won't suffer when the time comes. We could have kept playing. And in Orlando, we only do very short trips to play abroad, not whole weeks and months in a row. So we'd be good. It helps that Orlando Pride has always felt like family, always made us so comfortable, and we knew they'd support us and help us a lot. Yet retirement from the club was always going to come before forty as well. Probably shortly after national one.”

“And now, Ashlyn's been pretty much forced into retirement, right? She's not playing again. And you decided you weren't doing it on your own either. How was that?”

“Right, Ashlyn cannot come back,” Ali agreed, and Ashlyn nodded at the same time she did. “It wouldn't just be an unnecessary risk, but also, she's in no shape as of now to bounce up and down, it would take a long time, perhaps even years, for her to be in such shape again, and by then it would already be our call to go due to age anyway. So it's not worth it, she'd rather focus on making a good recovery for our wedding and for the life we're planning ahead of us. And for me, it really came down to the realization that I almost did lose her,” her eyes got a little glassy, but she held herself together. “I've no idea how many thousands of hours I spent on a chair by her bed, watching her in coma, not knowing if I'd ever even hear her voice or look at her in the eye again. Sleeping on a chair, too afraid to move,” she cleared her voice, and Ashlyn felt her own knot in her chest, at the pain she must've gone through. “And in that moment, with doctors telling me they had no idea if she'd make it, and even if she did, she may just be... you know, a body, but with a brain too hurt to really be herself anymore, I thought, how absurd it is, to have wasted away so much time being away from the one person I'm ever really going to love in my life, the one who makes my life incredible, and now lose her right before our wedding?”

“It wouldn't been...” the journalist sighed sadly. “Very, very tragic, indeed. The sacrifices we sometimes have to do for the passion for a job.”

“Exactly. But suddenly that sacrifice wasn't worth it anymore, you know? In a matter of days, everything changed for me,” Ali explained, collected and calm. “And I started praying, which is weird because I'm not really religious, but I just prayed for the Universe to give me just one more chat with her. One chance to say I love you for a last time or...” she had to stop herself, take a deep breath and grab her glass of water for a gulp one moment, as emotions took over.

“It's okay, take the time you need. It can't be easy.” Ali shook her head and smiled small.

“But you know, I got her back. And that's something- that's the miracle every family I saw in that ICU was praying for, and I got them, I'm not sure if they did. So I swore to myself I would not miss the opportunity again, that if I got such miracle I had to take it and don't look back. And so I decided I'd invest all I had to give for Ashlyn. She's always given me everything, and it only seems fair. To be honest, is the one thing I always feel like doing. You've got no idea how rewarding it is to be the one who brings a smile on her after long hard days of struggles and rehab. She literally had no idea who she was- she's still putting pieces of her life and the puzzles up together. So I knew I had to help her, I had to tell her all she didn't know, remind her things, show up to her in the same way she's always done for me, because love is not saying 'I love you'. If I said that all the time, then left for games for weeks, while she's in a clinic or hospital or home, suffering, struggling, feeling so lost in a sea of memory holes, still re-learning her own family, our friends, not remembering best friendships or who she can trust... then that wouldn't be love. That would be fake, lies, something I could not be proud of, something she wouldn't deserve. Love was her shutting her mouth about national team stuff to avoid hurting me, even when she was excited for things, when I was kicked out. Love was her coming to get me and be with me whenever I was injured or sick even if we were states or countries apart... if I couldn't stay, say no to the USWNT, and be by Ashlyn's side when she needed me most, then I wouldn't be loving her, and I wouldn't be deserving to be her wife. If I had done that, I might as well have just gone on and cancelled the wedding.”

“But you did go to October games when it had just happened,” the journalist pointed out confused, “because Ashlyn was better. So does it make sense for you to miss more, when she's better and better?”

“No. In October, actually, she was in a rehabilitation clinic. And it was different, because our families could help her come to my 100th celebration game for one day because she insisted so much, she didn't want to miss it, but then I knew she was going to be at a facility taken-care-of 24/7. She was actually so busy with therapies and recovery stuff all the time that I barely spent time with her, because she had to be doing all these things to get better,” Ali explained. “So I just went a played two games, one of which I could be with her before and after, see her, spend time with her, make sure she was okay. And the camp was very very short, and as long as the last game was over, I didn't remain with the team, I immediately flew home. But now, we're both home alone. She's much better, yes, but there's risk of seizures and things,” Ali continued. “So I don't really feel comfortable leaving her alone long. Now I'm backing off a little, because she got this cool bracelet that alerts me straight in my phone, or other family and friends, if she has a seizure or something goes off,” Ashlyn nodded, looking at her brand new bracelet in her wrist. Ali wouldn't let her fly without her on her own. “But still, I refuse to leave for two weeks of January camp, months of Olympics... just no. Even in January, I'll just play my retirement game and go home. And Ash wants to be there, so really, we don't separate much. And whenever I'm gone, she has her doctor calling twice a day, to be alerted if she ever doesn't answer or calls back, medical appointments to show up for, and we've got good friends like Sydney Leroux and Alex Morgan living just a couple streets away, coming over to check on her for me all the time. Otherwise I wouldn't even be here tonight.” She added with a small smirk.

The journalist chuckled, nodding.

“One's never too careful!”

“Right?” they shared a light laugh. “I'm a bit too much, I'll admit. Ash lets me, because she knows it makes me feel better, but I can tell I drive her crazy at times.”

“Damn right,” Ashlyn snorted a laugh, leaning back on the sofa comfortably while stuffing her mouth with popcorn.

“So you just decided it's time to sacrifice job for family for once,” the journalist settled.

“Well, yes and no,” Ali shrugged. “'Cause it doesn't really feel like a sacrifice. It feels like marriage. It feels like the right thing to do when your spouse goes through this kind of hell. It's not like when we've had concussions and ACLs, this is an entirely different thing and billion times worse than both combining. She's literally lost herself and her life in this, she's just the kind of strong person with powerful mentality that makes this all look easy, but it's not. It's a miracle she gets to remember she loves me, even if she can't explain why.” She added with an amused expression.

“How does that work?” the journalist asked with curiosity. “Forgetting people yet knowing how you feel about them?”

“It has to do with the areas of the brain that get injured,” Ali explained. “It's too complex for even doctors to understand it quite right, because the brain is such a mystery in many ways even for them, but somehow it's like she feels the vibes she gets from people, if she knows them or not, if they get along or not, how close she is... she says she just feel immediate ease and comfort or not and that with me, being in my presence was immediately comforting. Actually, there were times when she didn't want me to leave her in the hospital room for any reason, because I made her feel, you know, at ease and safe, and made things less scary, even if she didn't remember me exactly. I guess it's like when traumatized people may forget what exactly traumatized them, but not how it made them feel, but in a positive way. And Ashlyn was always a little like that; bad memory all the years I've known her, but she always gets instant feelings with people, even complete strangers. She's always been very empathetic, so I guess it helps.”

“Oh, right, like when kids are scared for things but they can no longer remember what happened that made them be afraid of them,” the presenter pointed out for the viewers, and Ali nodded. Ashlyn felt a little self-conscious having them talk about her without her present, but at the same time seeing how Ali spoke about her really comforted her and made her feel that she really wasn't forcing her fiancée to retire. “So you talk about how for you retiring now is just the only thing you'd feel fine with doing, so are you really not even a little bothered to miss an Olympic? Is the one thing you haven't won yet.” The presenter made sure to use a light tone to imply she was only teasing, and Ali chuckled for a moment.

“You know what? Of course I'm pissed off. But not because I have to retire, but because some homophobic monsters, one of which is still out there, thought it was okay to try and kill someone just because she's in love with a woman. And it makes me furious beyond belief to think they stole so much from her, more so than from me. To see Ashlyn can't even quite remember all the things she was passionate about, not feel such a strong connection with soccer anymore... it breaks my heart, because I know how hard she wishes to remember everything. And she's always made so many questions, so now that's like tripled, she wants to know it all and she's always watching videos of herself or me, trying to remember... I know how hard she wanted these Olympics. She's never even had the chance to be a substitute in Olympics, and she's been so bummed all these years for it, and was so, so excited to get the chance... so it makes me angry beyond belief, and upset and sad, to know why she lost the chance, to see all she's lost and knowing how unfair the reason is, how terrible, and how unforgivable and inadmissible in freaking 2019 in America. To think that something like this happened here, at this time...” Ali shook her head clenching her jaw, getting more serious. “I don't get to feel sorry or bad for myself. I don't really feel such way. I just feel lucky and blessed to get to marry her, I'm counting my blessings... and I'm kinda thankful she doesn't know what she's lost because you know, what you don't remember doesn't exist, so at least she doesn't get to suffer that, but I am thirsty for justice for her, obviously, as her partner. I want the full force of law upon the psychopaths responsible for this. But I retire happily, knowing there's nothing I want more than to be with her, grow old with her... and besides, I was telling her the other day, and this is completely true in my heart, that I no longer even find soccer as joyful and fun as always now that she's not with me. I always feel like the teams are just... with this big hole without her. I know we all miss her in both club and country teams, and to me, I started this journey in the national team with her by my side, I'm sure I only got so far because she was always by my side... it doesn't make sense to go on without her. I'm far happier putting my efforts on leaving this nightmare in the past, moving on and making so many other dreams come true together.”

“That's so sweet,” the presented grinned. “She's lucky, well actually you both are, to have each other. That's important in life. Do you think that maybe part of your love for soccer has just been your love for her?”

Ali made a thoughtful expression, and Ashlyn realized her popcorn was over and put the bowl away, licking the salt of her lips.

“Maybe,” Ali said at last with a charming smile. “It's true that, she was always, as a friend from the start, just someone who brought me so much joy and happiness. Made all the camps all the more exciting, all the more fascinating... and it started making me feel like, because I lived in Frankfurt when I started becoming a regular attendant at senior USWNT camps, like maybe Germany wasn't giving me all, like maybe I had something special in America I was missing,” Ali confessed blushing visibly, and sharing an understanding smile with the presenter. Ashlyn leaned forward, staring attentively. “She's definitely made my life all the more fascinating from the start in a way that, after ten years, I just cannot and don't want to imagine my life without her. Like, it's no secret my greatest fear is to die alone without her, we were saying it at an interview last summer, so...” Ali shrugged. “I never even allow myself to think of how my life without her would be like, I just like to focus on... well lately I started out this book with her, where we're writing everything she learns about people she forgot, and I write everything I remember too, even about us, for her to read and somewhat study. Because for her, she's like a little child, full of questions and never-ending curiosity, and she loves to hear me telling her stories of even her own childhood that she told me in the past and now she can't remember, or of things we've done. It kinda sparks memories in her sometimes like, once recently she was humming this song she had stuck in her head, and it turned out to be a special song for us so I was like Ash, this is our song! And she was so happy to see she could still remember some stuff, somehow. That's what brings me more excitement than Olympics now, just seeing how I can bring her a smile and make her excited each passing day. It's like seeing a disabled person walk again, which by the way we also went through, so now she's just... well, she's always been, but now in a new way, she's a source of endless inspiration, fascination, just amazing me every passing day recovering from something so hard and showing this remarkable resilience and strength that just leaves my jaw hanging day after day.”

After that, the conversation drifted back to pure soccer and future professional plans as coach, but Ashlyn wasn't listening much anymore. She was suddenly feeling really emotional about Ali, and really grateful.

So when the door opened an hour later, with Ashlyn having already cleaned the kitchen and previously prepared a romantic dinner, the former goalkeeper had a hard time not running straight to the door alongside Logan.

“Honey I'm home!” Ali said happily closing the door after her.

Ashlyn walked to her and smiled as she saw her girls saying hi to one another, with Logan's docked tail wagging non-stop.

“You were amazing on the telly. We watched,” said Ashlyn, and Ali looked up at her and grinned. She was wearing a long coat, her nose pink from the cold night, and she instantly ran to hug Ashlyn and bury herself in her warmth. “Gee, you're freezing!” Ashlyn smiled, kissing the top of her hair.

“And you're so cosy!” Ali squeezed herself closer, burying her cold face against Ashlyn's neck. “I missed you. How was the flight back?”

“I missed you too... it was boring without you. So videos it was,” Ashlyn squeezed her closed, burying her face in the dark mane. “I love you so much Alex.”

“I love you too,” Ali separated just enough to kiss her. “We're never being apart again, I've decided.”

Ashlyn gave her a dimpled smile and kissed her back.

“Agreed. So, I have a surprise for you.” Ashlyn took her to the dining table as Ali removed her coat, and showed her the dimly-lighted table, with a jar of flowers Ashlyn had picked from the garden at the centre.

“Woah,” Ali grinned. “I love your surprises! I was just thinking how well it smelled. Thank you love.”

“Just sit and enjoy!”

  
  



	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25: Romance.**

Ashlyn could barely listen to Ali during the dinner. She was so busy staring at her, finding herself in awe at her, loving her so much, overwhelmed at the memory of her beautiful words about Ashlyn herself during the long interview. Ali didn't seem to notice how in her own world her fiancée was, and went on and on with excitement, telling her about last wedding preparations, her training, the interview, and the cat she had seen on the way back that she swore looked like a lynx.

“Hey Alex, let me stop you right there one moment,” Ashlyn said at last, unable of restraining herself, standing up. Ali looked confused but quieted down, and Ashlyn pulled Ali's chair up a little, took her hands, and made her stand up by the table. “I just want to really look at you one minute.”

“What?” Ali grinned, forever whipped by her. “You cheesy romantic, I'm yours to look at forever.”

“I sure hope so,” Ashlyn smiled right back at her. In retrospect, they looked a little ridiculous. She was wearing a long sleeved pyjama of dinosaurs, and Ali was all elegant in her jumpsuit and blazer still. “It's just, seeing that interview, you were saying beautiful stuff about me and what you feel for me.”

“Babe, it's nothing I haven't said to your face a million times. You're the love of my life. Furthermore, you're my life. My happiest time of the day is whenever I'm with you,” Ali said sincerely.

“I know, but...” Ashlyn bit her lip, struggling to find words, and Ali waited patiently, knowing finding words could be a struggle sometimes for her, and even more while she was dealing with powerful emotions and feelings. “I don't need to have my memories back to know for certain that most people in the world wouldn't stay with a partner with my level of brain damage. You know how many people I've met with TBI in the therapies and rehabilitation, well, I'm only one of the very, very few whose partners haven't left them. Even husbands or wives left.”

“I'd never leave you.”

“I know. I believe you,” Ashlyn smiled small. “That's what I meant to say. I was watching you today and I knew right then how much you truly care. I knew you won't resent me for retiring. I knew you truly do all you do because it's what really makes you happy, and you wouldn't have it any other way.”

“Of course.”

“And then I felt so overwhelmed and so lucky and so...” Ashlyn beamed. “Overjoyed. And so I realized that despite all those things I don't remember, and all _our_ things I forgot, I really do love you, and I really do want to spend my whole life with you. I know it was already matter-of-fact when I asked you to marry me, but that was before TBI me. After TBI me realized tonight that... I don't just want to remember us. I don't just want to learn all we've been, all we've done... I want to do it all over again. So I can remember forever. And so it's my memory, and not something someone told me. I don't mean copying all we've already done, that'd be crazy, just... just that I want to have another first Christmas with you. Another first New Year's Eve, another first birthday, or first beach date... all these special things with you, over and over and over until the day we die.”

Ali beamed even bigger, blushing and feeling her eyes glassy because Ashlyn was being so sweet and lovely that she was getting emotional in a good way.

“Good thing I want all of that too,” Ali said. “I want you to have your head full of amazing memories, just like I do thanks to you.”

“In that case, then just allow me...” Ashlyn knelt and Ali chortled.

“Baby what are you doing? You have bad knees!”

“It's fine,” Ashlyn smiled big, loving to hear her laughter as she kissed her hands while being on her knees. “Alexandra Blaire Krieger... I'm so sorry you can't marry the one you said yes to last year. The one who remembers all you like and all the ways to make you the happiest, the one who knows you like the palm of her hand, with your flaws and perks and still wanted you forever, I'm sorry I can only try to be half that good. But there are things not even all the kicks on my head could change,” she said, and Ali grew serious, staring at her, “the way my skin bursts when you touch me, the way my stomach flips when you look at me, the way I feel the luckiest in the world TBI and all when I hold you in my arms and, in short, the way I want to love you purely, wholeheartedly, unashamedly, for my whole life. I can't promise I'll be everything I ever was, but I can promise you that my goals with you haven't changed one bit. I still want a life with you, and children, and dogs, and a future, a happy one. I still want to invest my life in making you happy and joyful, I still want to make you feel lucky and loved every single hour, and I still want to get to know you all over again with all the changes you have over time. I want to see your hair go beautifully white like your Mum's, I want to see you cradle our child in your arms, and our grandchild maybe, I want to see your skin get wrinkly, and still be baffled at how perfect you are every single day. And I want to do everything in my power so every day we live, you still choose me. So, I know you already said yes to marrying pre-TBI me, but... would you say yes to marry this me too?”

Ali managed a small smile, kneeling down too and cradling Ashlyn's face in her hands, swimming in the hazel eyes she had loved for so long,

“Of course baby,” Ali said, kissing her slowly. After a few moments of kissing, Ashlyn pulled apart with an apologetic expression.

“Sorry, the knees do hurt, what the hell did I do to them?”

Ali snorted a laugh.

“Oh honey, you wouldn't believe,” she stood up and pulled Ashlyn to her feet. “Come on, let's take that cute dino butt to bed.”

Ashlyn grinned hugging her from behind as they walked towards the bedroom.

“Hey Alex,” she said as Ali got into her pyjamas. “You can tell me if you ever miss the old Ashlyn, you know? It's fine. We can talk about it.” Ali gave her a small sad smile and slid into bed with her, wrapping her arms around her. “I know I'm a little like a stranger to you.” Ashlyn said, wrapping her arms around the older woman as well and caressing her head against her chest.

“Deep at heart you're the exact same goofy, gorgeous, funny woman I fell so hard in love with nine years ago,” Ali said against her chest. “But you're also many other women I'm also in love with. All your changes are changes I can easily fall for, because it doesn't change the fact that you're my whole life.”

“Still, if you ever miss her...”

“I don't. 'Cause she's right here. I feel her right here.”

“Then why do you sound a little sad? We just got re-engaged.”

Ali looked up at her confused puppy face and caressed her cheeks.

“Because it makes me sad to know you have to go through all of these difficult things and doubts and all, just because someone did a very cruel, nasty thing to you. It makes me wish I could go back in time and keep you from being hurt.”

“Don't be sad,” Ashlyn looked deep into her eyes. “I'm happy, okay? I'm very happy. I'm... overjoyed.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Ali grinned.

“Then I will be too. Those dickheads don't deserve my energy.”

“Exactly,” Ashlyn pecked her lips. “Now sleep, love, and let me hold you. We're fine. You don't have to worry about a thing.”

Ali nodded against her chest and released a deep breath, snuggling closer against Ashlyn and letting the big hands on her back and shoulder comfort her as she relaxed into the embrace. Ashlyn started humming some lullaby that came to her mind, Logan jumped on the bed to form a ball in the crook of Ali's bent legs, and it was all it took for the brunette to succumb into sleep, with Ashlyn following closely as Logan's snores provided the perfect white noise to sleep.

It was Ali's alarm that woke them both up in the morning. Ashlyn let out a deep groan, not having moved all night, and threw a pillow over her head.

“Turn off that monster!”

Ali rushed to roll over and reach her phone from the bedside table, and then gasped.

“Shit!”

“What?”

“We forgot to put on the tree! This is my Christmas Eve alarm!”

“Right,” Ashlyn removed the pillow and sat up looking unfriendly. “Amnesic one here, what are you talking about?”

“Tomorrow is Christmas,” said Ali matter-of-factly. “We completely forgot, so busy we've been with the wedding.”

“So? Didn't you say Christmas was about family lunch? We can buy the stuff today and cook tomorrow, it's fine.”

“But Ashlyn, we're supposed to set up a Christmas tree and Christmas decorations and lights all around the house, we forgot!”

“A tree? Inside the house? Have you gone mad? And why do we have to do all that? You said Christmas was Christian and you said we're not religious, so, shouldn't we just... not do anything?”

Ali stared at her in disbelief for one second until her brain awoke enough for her to remember Ashlyn didn't remember anything about Christmas, and Ali hadn't explained that much.

“Baby, Christmas is something celebrated in the majority of the geography of the world,” Ali explained patiently. “It doesn't matter if you're Christian or not. Even Muslims agree to celebrate at times, you know?”

“Why?”

“Because when you don't agree with the religion meaning, but you're still happy with everything else about it; family reunion, decorations, lights, presents, glee, Christmas songs and joy with you loved ones, you just use any excuse to have it. For us, it's the perfect excuse to have fun and celebrate family and all of our blessings.”

“I thought that's what Thanksgiving was for? To be grateful?”

“Yeah, but Christmas is just to enjoy. Gift your loved-ones things you think that will make them happy, dress up silly with funny horrible Christmas jumpers, it's about... pure glee, you know? And it's preceded by Christmas Eve, which is tonight, and on Christmas Eve we do last preparations for Christmas, because on Christmas you're supposed to have meals with the whole family so there's so much food to cook, last-minute presents shopping, and watch Christmas films to get into the spirit.”

Ashlyn looked at her all confused and sleepy, lying back in bed and cuddling.

“So tomorrow we're gonna have the house full? Not calm and quiet like I like it?”

“In respect to your TBI, I did invite very little people,” Ali said. “Your family was getting together in Satellite and my Dad was joining the rest of my extended family in Virginia, so I excused us out and instead invited Kyle, my Mum and step-Dad, and our friends Abby and Glennon, since Glennon's kids are with their father this year and due to work today they couldn't join Abby's family in Rochester.”

“That's all?”

“Uh...” Ali shrugged. “Actually... I told Pinoe and Sue as well. They spent Thanksgiving at Pinoe's in California and were going to Long Island to be with Sue's side for Christmas, but then realized if they did that then they'd have to fly here two days after tomorrow in a rush, because there weren't any earlier flights, just to be on time to help us with the wedding, as Megan is one of our bridesmaids. So instead they flew to Long Island ahead of time to do lunch with them today and will fly here tonight instead and be here tomorrow.”

“So the house will be crowded as fuck.”

“With people we love,” Ali said gleefully. “And we'll set up all the lights today, and I'll bring the boxes of decorations, and we'll set the tree... didn't you say last night you wanted to redo all our firsts? Welcome to your first Christmas!”

“But Alex,” Ashlyn groaned. “I've got physiotherapy today, I'm gonna be drained for all of this...”

“I'll take most of the work, I've got nothing else to do. And I already did the shopping a few days back so I'll cook, you don't have to do more than help a bit.”

“Fine, but just to be clear I still don't get this whole thing.”

“Just have fun babe!”

“But my version of fun is you and I never moving from this bed, maybe to eat mac and cheese for an hour, but that's about it!” Ali laughed and Ashlyn looked with a sleepy smile at her. “Okay... if it makes you so happy, we'll do this craziness. But please clarify, how do we get a whole tree in the house?”

  
  



	26. Winter wonderland

**Chapter 26: Winter wonderland.**

On Christmas Day, Orlando woke up with a soft drizzle and below 20ºC temperatures, which assured a pleasant coldness that made Ali happy and got Ashlyn to hide under two beanies, a woollen scarf, and half the jumpers she owned.

“At least one of us is excited,” said Ashlyn as they both checked the temperatures on the TV in the morning and Ali clapped and cheered when they announced it was going below 20.

“Coldness also means cuddling, steaming mugs of chocolate, and the minute everyone leaves...” Ali lowered her voice. “Tons of Christmas sex.”

Ashlyn raised her eyebrows, suddenly interested.

“Merry Christmas!”

If putting the decorations had been interesting for Ashlyn, figuring out the tree was actually smaller than she thought a relief, and smelling the food that was being cooked a drooling experience, going out into the cold day to keep an eye on Logan as the dog ran around the cold backyard and left her stool was all the opposite. Ashlyn stood with an unfriendly expression as Logan did her bathroom needs and enjoyed the fresh air, and cleaned after her while muttering rants wondering out loud what was wrong with having summer forever, and meanwhile Ali sang Christmas songs with her mother and brother as the three got busy in the kitchen.

“The joys of having a dog, uh?” Mike, Ali's step-dad, wrapped a blanket around Ashlyn as she returned into the house with Logan, once the dog was satisfied. Ali didn't want for Logan to go out for a walk when it was so cold and humid, afraid that all of them would get sick, so they only allowed a few minutes out in the backyard, where at least there was a partial ceiling to shield them a little.

“I do wish she was a Husky and I could just leave her outside and close the door for an hour, watching her from inside,” Ashlyn admitted. “But we had to have a Cane Corso Mastiff, so I could freeze to death while making sure she doesn't.” She added jokingly, and Mike chuckled, handing her a mug of warm chocolate.

“Come on, the food will make up for it.”

Turns out Christmas was nice. Ashlyn didn't understand it completely, but seeing how happy Ali was, taking family photos, and enjoying such a nice meal surely cheered her up, until she no longer felt resentful for what Northerners called perfect summer temperatures and she and Pinoe called freezing Pole North.

Abby and Glennon were both from the Northern lands. As a matter of fact, Glennon came from Virginia, just like Ali, so with Sue, the four women were perfectly happy sitting at the table in long-sleeved thin blouses or shirts, with nothing else on, chatting away with Ali's Mum and step-Dad. Even Kyle was comfortable, with the heating on he was even in short sleeves. But Ashlyn, Pinoe, Logan, and Kyle's dog Angus, had ran to the sofa and snuggled with jumpers and jackets on, the women holding the biggest mugs of warm beverages they could find.

“You guys are so dramatic,” Sue joked, looking amused at them. “The heating is on!”

“But it's only in 27ºC!” Ashlyn and Pinoe said at unison.

“Are you guys really that cold?” Ali inquired then, getting concerned.

Pinoe and Ashlyn exchanged a look and then shrugged.

“Not really, I just like being super warm and cosy and having an excuse to ask for more chocolate,” Pinoe said simply.

“It's a really good chocolate,” Ashlyn agreed with a nod, and Ali could do nothing but laugh and shake her head.

At last, when everyone went to bed, Ashlyn and Ali could snuggle in bed and if not have sex, due to the other bedrooms being occupied and them having some shyness, make-out heavily until it got really late.

“I loved this Christmas thing,” Ashlyn said sleepy in the end, as she began to fall asleep against Ali's chest.

“I loved this doing life with you thing,” replied Ali, putting her arms around her. It was still hard at times to believe just three months before Ashlyn had been struggling so badly, and now she was better and better, with their wedding being in just six days.

After Christmas, though, they ran out of moments to have privacy, intimacy, and solo time. With their wedding so close, Tammye, Debbie and their professional wedding planner had them going non-stop for final checks of their clothes, coordinating the arrival and stay of all their guests that were coming to Miami, and making sure the menu was still up for everyone's liking; including the vegetarians, the vegans, the allergics and the intolerants to certain foods. The last days before the wedding became so stressful in fact, that Ashlyn ended up in bed with a migraine for a full day two days before the wedding, which pushed them to relax a little.

Still, that didn't stop a fight to erupt between Ashlyn and Ali the day before the wedding, their first real fight in many months.

“What do you mean we're not going to see each other at all from tonight to the wedding night?” Ashlyn asked after Ali informed her where her bedroom in the castle would be before the wedding.

“Ash, we talked about this months ago and agreed that we'd keep the tradition of not seeing each other before the wedding, and agreed that 24h would be fine.”

“We talked about this before I was attacked isn't it? And if I don't remember, then I'm in my right to disagree now,” Ashlyn argued, frowning. “It's stupid. Why would we want to spend a full day apart yet living in the same castle, just metres away?”

“It's just supposed to be a tradition so that when we finally see each other at the ceremony, we're surprised by our looks and more swoon and awed,” said Ali. “Babe, it's the whole point of not telling each other a word about how we'll look all these months.”

“Fine, then we'll get ready in different rooms if keeping the surprise up to the last minute it's so important for you, even if just to be clear, I find it absurd,” replied Ashlyn. “But a full day away? No, why? We're sleeping together tonight, our last night together as unmarried couple, and tomorrow we'll have breakfast and lunch together before we need to separate to get ready.”

“But Ash, we spend days apart now and then, just a few days ago we did so you went to Philly, what's the problem now? It's just a few hours.”

“Do you realize the same argument can be used in my favour right? If it's just a few hours, then why even do it?”

“I told you, it will keep us expectant and dying to see each other-,”

“I'm already dying to see you,” Ashlyn interrupted her. “I don't need to spend a day apart from you. Do you?”

“Well, no,” Ali sighed. “But baby, it's not something bad. It's supposed to make it all the more exciting, just that, and we've planned for it, we have two rooms prepared, two separate breakfasts and all... we can't just change it all with such short notice, why didn't you say something sooner?”

“I didn't realize sooner,” Ashlyn clenched her teeth and stood up from the table clenching her jaw and feeling herself growing angry and upset. She knew her TBI was supposed to drive her emotions a little wild now and then, and maybe it was just that, but she couldn't help thinking how stupid and hurtful it was that her wife would need a day for herself before the wedding and refuse to see her at all before the big day just because of some stupid, absurd, old tradition. “But you know what? Fine. Have it the way you like it.”

She shook her head and walked away, out of the castle room where they had been eating with some of their people.

“Ash!” Ali ran after, catching her by the wrist just a floor below in the stairs. “Don't even try to run away from me, I'm very fast.”

“I'm not running away, you don't want to see me 24h before the wedding and, if my watch it's right, we're now twenty-three hours before it.” Ashlyn grumbled, continuing to walk down the stone stairs.

“Ash, don't be ridiculous,” Ali put her arms around her and pulled from her to face her, keeping her from walking away any further.

“Oh now I'm being ridiculous? At least I don't believe in some stupid nonsensical traditions some jerk invented centuries ago!”

“Don't yell at your wife,” Ali said firmly, frowning at her. Ashlyn clenched her jaw then puffed loudly. “We don't have to separate. We were going to do it because before you were injured it was something you and I both wanted to do, but even then we agreed on only doing it if both of us agreed. If it's not something you want anymore, it's all right. We won't do it. I'll tell the staff we changed our mind, it's not so hard to change what the plan was. And I'm more than happy spending the night and day with you, Ash.”

“I just don't get why you'd ever not want to,” Ashlyn frowned. “How can it not be your preference to spend every possible minute before our wedding with me? Why would you ever want to push me away for so many hours, right before we're going to marry?”

“That's not what I meant,” Ali assured her, running her hands up and down Ashlyn's arms. “I only thought it'd make things more exciting but you know what? It's already pretty exciting, and on a second thought separating could not possibly make it more exciting. I'm sorry, Ash, you're right, it's nonsense. Let's not fight before our wedding, okay?”

Ashlyn sighed, but nodded, having gotten what she wanted.

“I'm sorry I got mad, it's just... it upsets me to think I'm unwanted company.”

“You'd never be unwanted company. I'm sorry I made you feel like that,” Ali cupped her face and kissed her softly. “Fancy a romantic walk? I think we can scape the chaos for a couple hours.”

“Okay,” Ashlyn smiled, kissing her back. “You're my everything, Alex, you know?”

Ali looked proudly, grinning.

“I'm starting to get the idea.”

The pair strolled outside, not minding the chilly air, holding hands and walking around the lake, watching the fish in it. Words weren't needed when you were in the one company you craved.

  
  



	27. The wedding Part 1

**Chapter 27: The Wedding Part 1.**

“Nervous?”

Ashlyn closed her cuffs and turned to face her brother, who stood spotless with a neat tuxedo on not far behind her, by her bed. Ashlyn and Ali had moved to separate bedrooms to get ready after a romantic lunch picnic together by the lake, which meant now Ashlyn had all the space in the world to get fancy, and she was already almost completely dressed, with her make-up done, leaving her hair for the last thing.

“More like excited as hell,” said Ashlyn, buttoning her vest. “You look fancy.”

“You look stunning, sis,” Chris replied, looking at her up and down. “Rocking suits better than the best of men. And I should know, since I'm a best man.”

“Ha, good one,” Ashlyn smirked at him. “Well thanks. Ali deserves the neatest of partners. Help me put this bowtie on?”

“Sure,” Chris walked to her and helped with the small thing. “I wouldn't expect you to remember how this works.”

“Oh, I've been watching videos, but my fingers don't work entirely like I want them to yet.”

“You know it's going to be just fine, right? You're going to be happy with Ali.”

“I know.”

“Just saying in case... I know things can be a little confusing with your TBI. But you can trust Ali.”

“I trust her. I love her. TBI couldn't take that away,” Ashlyn smiled proudly. “Don't worry bro, I'm all set.”

“One can't help to worry about their little ones,” Chris joked, finishing with the bowtie and handing her white coat jacket.

“Have you seen Ali?”

“No, but I crossed paths with Kyle in the bathroom and he said she looks like the sun,” he said. “So I guess it's a good sign. In any case, Syd, Hao, Brittany, her friend Elizabeth and our Liz are with her. And Alex, Abby, Pinoe and Corey are down at the ceremony room to ensure everything runs smoothly, since you said you didn't need help.”

“Perfect. Okay, I can do my hair myself, you go and take care of Mama and Pops.”

“They're fine, I'm here for you.”

“I'm ready, Chris. I'd rather be alone, to be honest.”

“Are you sure?” Chris frowned in concern.

“Yeah, I'm going to be surrounded by people all night long and I want to enjoy some me time now. Figure my hair out, rehearse my vows, that kind of thing.”

“Okay. If you need anything, I'm one call away.”

“No problem, thanks.”

“Love you Ash.”

“Love you too,” Ashlyn smiled warmly at him and saw him go. She released a sigh and sat down to prepare her hair.

She was walking without crutches now, but needed her rest times in order to keep her legs strong without feeling weak at some point. But as she sat, she felt something under her bottom. Moving aside, she lifted the duvet and found a folded piece of paper. Thinking maybe Ali had slid a note for her, she opened it, and was surprised to find an unknown handwriting.

' _Ashlyn,_

_Meet me at the tunnel beneath the entry bridge at 18:30, alone. If you don't, or bring police upon me, I'll make this whole place blow-up with all your loved-ones inside before no one can catch me._

_G. R._ '

“Gaving fucking Rourke,” anxiously, Ashlyn checked her watch, and saw it was just five minutes to the time he had written. The knowledge that he had left the note where she could've easily missed it made her even angrier, because it meant he really was looking forward to killing everybody. She had to find him and finish this.

The moment she opened the door, she had to stop herself, as she found Kyle and Chris chatting animatedly by the stairs. They both turned and smiled at her.

“Looking fancy!” Kyle said, handsome himself in his suit. “Can we get you anything? Should I do your hair?”

Ashlyn managed a smile, trying not to look as nervous as she felt, walking to them.

“Perhaps in a little bit. I'm just going to find the wedding planner, I want to check last-minute things and assure everything is fine. Bridezilla anxiety, you know.”

“I thought Ali was Bridezilla,” Chris said surprised.

“Well, we'll find her, otherwise people may see you.”

“I'll be careful, and if they see me it's fine, it's Ali who's going to blow our minds way more than I could. I'd rather you guys stayed here in case she needs anything, she's been so stressed with this.”

“She _is_ quite a handful, between the big dress and the long hair...” Kyle admitted. “Lots to do. All right, you can go, but no running out of the wedding!”

“I wouldn't,” Ashlyn smiled sincerely. “I love Ali. I'd never not marry her. Nope, not happening.” She started trotting down the stairs, in a hurry, but then stopped herself and pulled the paper out, looking for a pen in her pockets. She knew she had to have one, because she had been doing last-minute touches to her vows, and indeed it finally appeared. She found a small space under Rourke's handwriting to write her own little note 'BRING POLICE NOW.' Then, Ashlyn hurried to Kyle. “On a second thought, I have to give this to Ali but I can't do it myself, since she'd see me,” Ashlyn passed Kyle the folded note she had received. “Don't read it, it's private, uh?”

“Fine,” Kyle smirked. “I'll go right now!”

“Not right now, Kyle! She's getting ready, all nervous and stressed, I want for her to be fully ready to go before she reads this, or else I may delay her,” Ashlyn warned him. “Wait ten minutes, okay? So she can get her hair done, at least.”

“You're right,” Kyle nodded. “Is this sappy romantic?”

“It's everything that would make you puke, and if anyone reads it before Ali I'll teach our children to call you Mum's hairdresser instead of Uncle Kyle.”

“You wouldn't!”

“Don't try me. See you guys in a bit.”

Knowing she was late, Ashlyn almost ran downstairs, avoided her parents by little, and escaped to the vast, cold garden. At the entry of the castle there was a bridge that formed a tunnel over the frontal area of the garden, connecting the street with the main door. Ashlyn walked very close to the wall to make sure no one would see her from above, and at last, she saw Gavin Rourke standing there. He had dyed his hair black, grown a beard dyed pitch black too, and was using dark lenses, but Ashlyn still recognized him, from her vague memory and the photos police had shown him. His suit and tie couldn't dissimulate.

“Well hello,” Ashlyn said, making sure to relax herself, hands on her pockets. “I haven't gotten to thank you the scars.”

Rourke smiled sadistic, showing golden teeth.

“You'll have time,” he said roughly, pulling out a long knife from his jacket pocked as she walked under the bridge into the dark tunnel. It was already almost completely dark outside. “Did you bring police?”

“No. I didn't warn a soul, just like you told me. How do I know you won't blow the place up?”

“I was never going to. I don't actually have explosives,” Rourke shrugged, pulling his pockets inside out to reveal they were empty, save for a phone and keys. Ashlyn sighed, relieved, even though she had fallen in his trap. “Now you're going to come with me quietly, all right?”

“Why would I? In case you haven't noticed, I've got a bride to marry.”

“Because otherwise I'll spill your guts over this pretty garden and make sure your bride never has any other thing from you to bury.”

“You seem pretty confident on yourself. Your friends are in prison now. You're alone, and I'm an athlete.”

“With a broken skull. One good punch and I won't even have to stab you.”

“In your fucking dreams,” to Ashlyn and Rourke's surprise, behind him suddenly stood Ali, who seemed to have quietly descended from the other side of the bridge, and was now pointing a gun at him, dressed in her wedding dress and sports shoes. Ashlyn grinned seeing her defiant and angry expression, and Rourke's face turned pale. “Let that fall on the grass and lift your hands up where I can see them, or I swear I'll paint the grass with the little brain cells you've got left.”

“If I were you I'd listen to her, Rourke. She's got quite the tiger temperament,” Ashlyn said amused, walking aside to make sure she was out of the shooting path.

“Shoot me then if you're so brave,” Rourke said, holding the knife hard in his hand. “Let's see if you've got what it takes to take a life.”

“Oh, I don't. I'm not the cruel bastard you are,” Ali said between clenched teeth, moving a hand to grab Ashlyn's jacket and push her behind her for safety.

“I can end this,” said Ashlyn. “You don't have to shoot, babe. You'll stain your beautiful dress.”

“It's okay, love. Let me be your knight in shining armour for once,” Ali glared at Rourke, and then shot to the grass between his feet. The bullet sank on the grass with a loud bang, and Rourke jumped, thinking himself hit, falling to the ground, with the knife falling a metre away. Ashlyn kicked it a further distance and Rourke rolled over, patting himself and seeing he wasn't hurt. Ashlyn and Ali looked amused at him. “Oh I'm sorry, did I scare you? At least is nothing compared to the fear of losing the love of your life.” Ali snapped.

“You b-”

“Don't you dare insult my wife,” Ashlyn snarled, stepping on his hand until he screamed and she retired her shoe.

“You'll pay for this! I'll get you both!”

“Not before I ruin your life,” Ali threatened, and then the police that had been undercover at the wedding came running, accompanied by the lead detective.

“We'll take it from here, miss,” the detective said as his people handcuffed Rourke. Ali returned the gun to a policeman and grinned at Ashlyn, wrapping her arms around her neck and kissing her tenderly.

“Hello gorgeous,” Ali said.

“Hello to you too, princess,” Ashlyn beamed, kissing her again. Then she stopped to swirl Ali so she could take a look at her long sleeved, open-collar dress, with low cleavage and embroidery, the tail short. “You're truly a sight for my sore eyes. I've never seen anything prettier.” Seeing how cold she was, Ashlyn wrapped her jacket around Ali's shoulders, putting an arm around her shoulders as they walked.

“Thank you. Let's go get married, uh?” Ali wrapped an arm around her waist.

“How did you pull that?” Ashlyn inquired when curiosity won over.

“I showed the note to the detective, who agreed with me that if they all came he'd hear us and could hurt us or make it all explode. So they waited at a far distance and gave me a gun, told me to just scare him off you so they could arrest him. I got to hear there was no bomb, waited for the right time and...” Ali shrugged. “Films did the rest.”

“It was amazing. I'm so proud of you. Thank you.” Ali smiled big at her.

“I owed you one.”

“You never did!”

“You're my wife. I never want to be powerless again when you're in danger.”

Ashlyn smiled sweetly at her, both entering the castle again.

“Then I'll have to make sure not to risk my neck anymore.”

“You better.”

“There you guys are!” their fathers appeared all of the sudden, in a rush, stressed. “You both disappeared! We had no idea where you were!”

“Oh, sorry,” Ali grinned up at Ashlyn. “We couldn't help ourselves.”

“The wedding was taking too long,” Ashlyn kissed her cheek. “But now we're ready. Go help my bride get her heels on and I'll go fix my hair.”

“Your hair looks fine,” Ali said matter-of-fact. Ashlyn raised her eyebrows incredulous and Ali, knowing how she got with her hair, snorted a laugh and took her Dad's hand, returning the jacket to Ashlyn. “Okay, but hurry up! We're already late!”

Ashlyn laughed running upstairs. She wasn't even married yet and she already felt the happiest alive.

  
  



	28. The wedding Part 2

**Chapter 28: The Wedding Part 2.**

Staring at Ali as the brunette and her father walked down the aisle towards her felt like an out of the body experience. It didn't matter that they had about a hundred people sitting or standing around them, watching their every move, she could only pay attention to Ali, Ali's brown tiger eyes were the only ones that existed, and her beaming smile was the only one that mattered. Ashlyn could then feel deep in her chest how right it felt to be there, marrying the love of her life, or better said, the one who was her whole life.

In slow motion, Ashlyn let her eyes wander off Ali briefly, to stop at the sight of her proud, happy family, her supportive friends and teammates, all of whom were grinning so big it surely had to hurt. And then she saw who she had learned was her University of North Carolina Coach Anston Dorrance, a man who had supposedly guided her and cared for her, helping her overcome drugs and be who she was. Ashlyn had met him again in hospital months back, and even though she hadn't been able to remember him, he had given her a hug and a warm smile, words of guidance and encouragement, and the utmost support. But as she stared at him now, and his eyes locked on hers, she felt a clear memory in the back of her mind, of having felt miserable once in the past, sitting on some empty stadium's stands in the middle of a rainfall. And she could almost feel how he had touched her knee, sitting next to her, she could almost hear again how he had promised she would get her feet back on the ground and be happy, 'cause he wasn't going to stop until it happened, and he wasn't going to leave her alone.

As the memory struck her, Ashlyn grinned at Anston and nodded at him, trying to let him know she knew him now. He winked at her and nodded back, which let her think that maybe he understood. And then her eyes came to Ali again, and she was stretching her hand for her to take, sinking in her warm eyes and her radiant smile. As Ali's hand clasped hers, her smile growing impossibly big, and the bouquet of flowers being passed to her Maid of Honour Elizabeth Mumley, another memory struck Ashlyn all of the sudden, and made her drift from the wedding for a brief moment.

And then Ali was clasping her hand in another time, years back, sitting on a boat in some German river. Her voice echoed in her head.

“I love you, Ash,” she was telling her full of emotion, the very first time that Ashlyn had heard any partner tell her the magic words, “and no distance is going to stop me from loving you. And if you forget how much we're meant to be, and want to go and date other people, then I guess I'll just have to find you and remind you we're soulmates, and we're meant to be together forever. It doesn't matter if I'm here and you're there, if there's an ocean or two in between... because we're endgame. And in the end, we'll always find the way to be together, no matter what.”

Ashlyn returned to reality with her heart beating out of its mind while Kenneth Krieger kissed her cheek and congratulated her, and Ali's hand still on hers pulled her back to the present, to those magic eyes, and to everything they meant to her.

The words of the officiant were mere background noise every time Ali's eyes fixed on hers and their hands, both of them now, squeezed hers a little tighter, her lips mouthing 'I love you' at any given chance.

“Ashlyn,” Ali's voice focused her attention, and she felt herself blush just from the way the brunette looked at her, “you are my rock. It doesn't matter how much the world spins, how many things change, what will never change is the way you are my whole world, you ground me, you make me feel safe and loved... and I promise you, no matter what, you'll have me. You will always have me. To love you, to take care of you, to support you, to believe in you... because there's nothing else in this world as important, meaningful, and incredible, as being your teammate for life, and the one who gets to call you my love, my soulmate, my forever.”

Ashlyn grinned at her, digging into her mind to try to find the vows she had been rehearsing. But all of the sudden, some rehearsed speech didn't seem good enough for the occasion, none of those words seemed to convey enough meaning anymore, and instead, others came to her mind.

“Alexandra, my love... these past four months of rediscovery, relearning, and so much hardship and difficulty, there have been plenty of moments when I've been this close to self-pity, and every time the knowledge that I had you, to stay, to love me, no matter the circumstances, has made my thoughts spin around to the realization that on the contrary, I'm not miserable, but the luckiest person in this world,” Ali chuckled at her, and Ashlyn had trouble not to forget about saying vows and going to kiss her. “Babe, I don't need to remember every single one of the nine years we've shared, as long as my heart remembers you're the reason it's still beating. I don't need to know much, to remember my education or my hobbies, to identify that what I feel when I look at you is the purest, greatest feeling I could possibly experience. You are... my everything, in a way that every time I get to relearn something of you, I just find myself falling in love all over again, becoming a fan of you all over again, to the point that I can't entirely hate amnesia, because it led me to rediscover my favourite thing all over again, and I could not possibly ever get tired of learning you. Thanks to you, I know I am the luckiest. I get to marry my best friend. My favourite topic. My every reason to stay in this Earth and to fight and give it my bestest... and I might not know quite yet what I want to do with my time and my life, but I know for sure that no matter what journey is in store, my main goal is always going to be to make you the happiest,” Ashlyn grinned at her excitedly, and Ali grinned back. “If that means cleaning your snot when you've got a cold, or massaging your sore feet, shouting your name at the top of my lungs in stadiums full of admirers, or pushing you through hell and back, I'll do it all, whatever it takes, I'll never give up on you, just like you've never given up on me. I'm sure if I didn't die four months back was because I was meant to be your all, and I was far too stubborn to let anyone keep me from you. So now, I know that no matter what, I'm always going to give it my bestest so I can stay and love you, encourage you and support you, for the rest of our lives and beyond. You are my soulmate, and what we have, is forever.”

Being pronounced wives sent Ashlyn's stomach into a flip, and she had her lips on Ali's before she could even process it. All that shaped her world in that moment were Ali's arms wrapped firmly around her neck, with a hand buried in her hair, and the feeling of Ali's smile against her parted lips.

But Ashlyn had planned the ultimate wedding surprise, secretly, behind everyone's backs. It hadn't been an easy thing to hide, but she had tried hard and eventually, she managed it. She had secretly gone to singing lessons four times a week during a few months, rehearsed with her piano countless times in the basement of a friend she had made in rehabilitation, who played the drums, then convinced Ali to have her friend's live band at their wedding, and then simply had to find a tiny platform with wheels where to put the drums so they could easily be moved from the dancing room to the dining room, but luckily the drummer already had such thing, and for a nice tip, the castle workers agreed to move it, along with the electronic piano of the live band, that was lent to Ashlyn for the occasion while the band enjoyed dinner as well before the dancing time.

So both instruments were left in a small room right next to the dining one, to be moved on cue, so Ali wouldn't suspect the moment she came to have dinner.

“Are you happy?” Ashlyn whispered into Ali's ear, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as they sat together, recovering from the emotions brought up by their family's speeches during the dinner.

“Let's see... we kicked the butt of the guy who almost murdered you, had the most wonderful wedding ceremony in the world, and I'm having dinner next to my wife and all my favourite people...” Ali recapitulated. “I'd say I'm pretty smitten, yes.” She grinned, kissing Ashlyn.

“I've got a little surprise for you,” Ashlyn confessed, looking excitedly at her even though she was shitting her pants. At least everyone was busy with dessert now, so happy stomachs would make for less complaints about her singing, as much as it had improved.

Ali's eyebrows raised in genuine surprise.

“What kind of surprise?”

“A cheesy one,” she kissed her cheek and stood up, walking to one of the staff members. “Hey, it's time. Can you guys bring the instruments in? Just put them here where there's space.”

“Sure ma'am.”

“And give me the mic, please. Thanks.”

She grabbed the microphone that had been passed around before for the family speeches and congratulations, and found her friend Robin, who excitedly rushed to help with the instruments and sit at the drums. By then, the movement of instruments had dragged some eyes, so Ashlyn turned the microphone on and tapped on it to check it worked, automatically calling attention upon herself, which made the guests quiet down.

“Goodnight everyone,” Ashlyn saluted nervously, standing by the piano. “Thank you for being here tonight for us and for all your help and all the love these months, we really appreciate it. So, I've got a little surprise for my wife here,” the word rolled deliciously in her tongue. “As many of you know, as part of TBI rehabilitation I began piano lessons two months ago, and got to meet some wonderful people like my friend Robin over here, who has so kindly accepted to help me pull this off, thanks my friend,” Ashlyn pointed to the drummer, who merely grinned and winked. “Okay so, it's not perfect, we prepared it in a rush and it may turn out to be a complete disaster, but Ali, my love,” she moved to look at Ali, who had turned her chair around to face them and was smiling sheepishly but warmly, “the first time I heard this song I couldn't help thinking of you, and all the times words have failed me to explain, even to myself, what you meant to me, this song did the trick. I hope not to ruin it completely now,” she added with a nervous chuckle, showing off her one dimple. “I love you Alex. This is for you.”

While everyone positioned trying to see better, and pulling phones to record -even if there was a hired videographer- Ashlyn unbuttoned her jacket to move more freely, warmed her hands with her breath, and, once she had correctly positioned the microphone on its holder and bent the holder over the piano so she could sing easily, she began to play the piano.

And when her voice came, it was shy at first and gaining confidence and volume slowly, soft and sweet as it usually was, her eyes almost closed so she could only see her fingers working and also because the feeling of the song moved her to close them now and then altogether. And as the first notes came, Ali's grin became whole in her face.

“ _She's the light in a dark room, she smiles with her eyes, it'll hold you, in a moment you'll know you'll never walk away._ ” Ashlyn began to sing as her fingers moved. _“She's never been one to hold back, if there's something on her mind you're gonna know that, and you're gonna wanna listen to everything she'll say. She's a bullet that's about to fire, she's the steady that'll keep you sane, if love's a fool then I'm a liar, I know she's the only way..._ ” she took a deep breath and locked eyes with Ali before giving her voice all her energy for the next part, that she sang staring at her with a loving smile. “ _She sees colours that I can't see, and she... knows me, even when I don't, she knows where she goes, I will go because I'm home, where she..._ ” Ali beamed and stood up, walking to her and sitting by her side on the piano bench as she continued, feeling Ali's hand warm on her thigh. “ _She's the wild wood leaves in autumn, the look toward home you'd forgotten, she's on her side you're never letting go. She has the power to save you, the only one who's got enough of you to break you, when she fights with fire she wraps around your soul, 'cause..._ ” the drums began a soft accompaniment. “ _I've never heard this touch before... the kind that taught me what my eyes were for... Every piece of her I just want more... She's the one I can't ignore. She... sees colours that I can't see, and she knows me, even when I don't, she knows where she goes, I will go because I'm home... Where she... Oh.... You showed me lovely, you showed me lovely..._ ” the drums became stronger and Ashlyn's shyness vanished to give it her all, with Ali mesmerized by her side. “ _Woah.. oh... oh... oh... You showed me lovely, you showed me lovely, woah... oh... She... sees, colours that I can't see, and she knows me, even when I don't, she knows where she goes, I will go because I'm home... Where she..._ ”

When the song finally came to an end and the room filled with applause, Ali pulled Ashlyn towards her from the lapels of her coat jacket, and without a second word kissed her, trying to convey all that Ashlyn made her feel.

_'Tomorrow I'll open my eyes_

_And I will whisper to my wife_

_"I belong to you"_

_And I will wait to hear you say_

_As a tear rolls down your face_

_"I belong to you”'_

  
  



	29. Epilogue

**Chapter 29: Epilogue.**

On Saturday August 29th 2020, the US Women's National Soccer Team was playing a friendly versus Canada in celebration of their silver medal at the Tokyo Olympics. When Ashlyn had heard from USWNT manager Kate Markgraf months before that if the team made it to earn any medal at the Olympics, they'd hold friendlies to celebrate in August and September, as the games ended on August 9th, around all of the States, Ashlyn considered that if the team could pull one friendly to be in either Orlando or Philadelphia on the anniversary of her attack, it would be a good occasion for her retirement ceremony, if the team wanted it. She had already had one tiny one with the Pride, but they had still reminded her the National Team wished to do something special for her, from the players that had been her sisters for a decade to the staff that knew her and loved her, and the fans, and luckily, the team made it happen.

Kate didn't ask why it had to be Philadelphia or Orlando, but turns out that the Philadelphia stadium was available for the occasion, and it was a good fit because the previous celebratory game had been in Ohio, so the team wouldn't have to travel a long distance.

“Can I just ask,” started Ali as they unpacked in their hotel in Philadelphia, “why this bloody city?”

Neither of them had returned to Philadelphia after Rourke's arrest, as he had been judged in Orlando after their lawyer had made a formal petition for it to happen, alleging that Ashlyn couldn't really go around flying constantly for the several sessions of trials, interrupting her rehabilitation schedule and recovery process. And thus, once Rourke and his mates had been condemned for different sentences of between seventy years and life imprisonment with charges of attempted murder, planned assault, and belonging to criminal band or organization, they had avoided Philadelphia at all costs.

A year after the attack that almost cost her her life, Ashlyn was thriving. She had started surfing again, although only in low-risk beaches with small waves and never alone, had graduated completely from crutches, gone months without migraines, begun driving again and started to feel a little like herself again, with 60% of her memories recovered. She was happy. Her marriage to Ali was smooth and effortless, most of the time, and sweet and cheesy a huge portion of the days, and she felt ready for this step.

“Babe, Philadelphia is just a city,” Ashlyn reminded her wife then, turning to wrap her arms around her comfortingly. “I know it holds traumatic memories, even more for you that remember everything vividly, but we need to get over this together so we can enjoy its beauty again, remembering Philly did nothing to us, some jerks, many of whom weren't even from here, did.”

Ali herself was doing better. It had been a struggle to recover from a PTSD that she didn't even publicly admit to suffer until around a month after their wedding, and it had been a struggle to get used to a life with less soccer, even more now that she was playing her last NWSL season, so far managing to keep the team on the fight for the Championship after Skinner, their coach, had made substantial changes to the team, but she was sleeping much better, still attending therapy now and then, and getting a little less upset and furious when she thought of what had happened a year before. Still, the anniversary was doomed to be rough, and as Ashlyn realized, it was specially rough for Ali, who had slept bad the night before and had needed a plane nap, because to her everything was way more vivid than it was to Ashlyn. Ashlyn's memories were a complete fog when it came to the attack itself and the weeks after, but Ali's were clear as if they had happened the day before, and they came with all sorts of feelings, such as anger, sadness, worry, anxiety, stress, powerlessness, and frustration, which were hard to navigate. This meant that even after how much she'd improved, and the great months she'd had, now she was back to flashbacks, dreams repeating the events of the night before, and being overly on top of Ashlyn with her worries. When Ashlyn had told her they were returning to Philadelphia, she had even become so upset they had fought, until eventually Ali had accepted that it was a way for Ashlyn to close the circle and move on.

“I know,” Ali murmured, sighing against her chest. “But it's a city that reminds me of the worst things. I don't get why we couldn't have this happen anywhere but here.”

“'Cause it wouldn't have felt right. It had to be either Orlando, being our home, or here, to close the circle, and you know it love. We need to reconcile with this place, even more so you, or else it'll keep haunting you forever.”

“I hate it when you're right.”

“Shut up, you love me,” Ashlyn kissed her cheek soundly and Ali gave in with a little smile.

“You're right...”

So despite Ali's reluctance, Ashlyn took her hand and while there were still hours before the game, she took her to the same place where they had had coffee a year before, right before Ashlyn was attacked. The former goalkeeper blocked Ali's view of the rest of the street as they walked into the coffee shop and found the exact same table where they had sat free.

“Remember where we were sitting?” Ashlyn inquired. Ali pointed to one chair.

“I was here, why? Do we really need...?”

“Yes. You sit there. I was... here, maybe?”

They sat and Ashlyn made sure they ordered the same they had ordered that day, which Ali still remembered clearly.

“I don't understand why you're pushing me through this, Ash. This is no fun for me,” Ali grumbled with a frown.

“Alex, babe,” Ashlyn put a hand gently on her thigh. “It's not my wish to torture you, but if I don't bring you here, you'll avoid this whole city forever. And until you get here and see it's safe, see it's okay, you'll keep being afraid, sleeping like shit and having nightmares about this place.”

“But I'm not ready! Can't we just... forget about it and come here some other time? It's too soon,” Ali looked so anxious that Ashlyn decided to give in and nodded, not without sighing.

They paid and made to leave but as Ashlyn held the door open for Ali and the brunette stepped out, the defender's eyes automatically drifted to the exact point on the pavement where she had seen Ashlyn a year before. Like pulled by some invisible magical force, Ali walked there, her heart pounding on her chest, her eyes almost able to see the blood on the ground. The emotions piled in her chest and a sob of pure anguish escaped her lips. Then, Ashlyn's arms were right there to wrap around her.

The former goalkeeper rubbed soothing circles on her back as she looked around. She had a faint memory of men shouting at her, of being on the ground, in pain, a blurry memory of the blood drops on the ground, but nothing else.

“You know what?” Ashlyn murmured, looking down to brush the silent tears that now decorated Ali's cheeks away. “This is the place where I survived. This is the place where things were put in perspective until I realized that you were all that really mattered, not soccer. Maybe a bunch of terrible things happened because of this... but I feel it made our relationship stronger. It made me look at you with different eyes, and love you, and admire you, even more than I even thought I could, in a way that is beyond anything I've ever known.”

Ali shrugged, sighing deeply against her chest.

“I thought I'd lost you. You didn't see yourself like I did,” she whispered. “I thought you were dead. I've never been so panicked in my life. I absolutely thought... you weren't responding at all, and there was blood all over your face and I... I wouldn't have been able to go on without you. In one instant I thought of having to bury you, cancel the wedding for a funeral instead... you may have survived, Ashlyn, but my heart broke right here. And I'm still trying to recover and put it back together, even if you didn't die.”

“Because you thought I did.”

“Yes. Doesn't matter if it was one half of a second. It was real to me.”

Ashlyn nodded, kissing the top of her head.

“Okay, let's get you out of here. I'm sorry I brought you here when you weren't ready yet.”

“It's fine,” Ali released a long breath, rubbing her eyes tenderly as she separated and looked around. The street was practically deserted just like that day, but the ground wasn't blood stained anymore. “Baby steps right?”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn took her hand, intertwining their fingers. “Come on, we'll get back to the hotel and I'll prepare us a hot bubble bath, how does that sound?”

Ali smiled small.

“Pretty great,” as they walked, Ali squeezed her hand and looked up at her. “You know, it's really brave of you to come back and face your fears on the anniversary, instead of... depressing or something.”

“Well, a decade with a warrior it's doomed to rub on me,” Ashlyn smirked at her, and Ali couldn't resist pecking her lips. Somehow, she didn't feel that terrible about being in Philadelphia, and the more she tried to look at other streets and see their beauty, the less hard it was to see the city as such a terrible place.

When the game came, they both dressed with USWNT gear. Ali got some tight jeans but one of Ashlyn's goalkeeper jerseys from back in the day, because of course she was going to carry the Harris surname on her back with a chest full of pride, and Ashlyn had found another jersey in a different colour and rolled the sleeves up. She spent, before they left, her own sweet time organizing her hair.

Even though she now kept it at a comfortable length just long enough to pull it back in a tiny bun, even though it was loose and shoved back now, and she had gotten blonde highlights that reminisced of her old hair, it still parted in weird places where scars were, so she spent even more time than usual to make sure it looked perfect, and made sure her make-up was on point as well.

“Ready?” Ali asked with an amused smile when Ashlyn finally left the bathroom.

“Yeah, we're good.” Ashlyn affirmed. “For now...”

The whole ceremony was in part a surprise. Ashlyn had no idea what exactly their friends, with relationships that had been rebuilt in a great way as Ashlyn's memory made some baby steps forward and she poured her efforts on tightening friendships once more, had in store for her, but she knew it was going to be great.

Because Ashlyn hadn't wanted to interrupt the game or delay it for her, they were going to wait until the game ended. So they sat in privileged seats with some former teammates who were retired as well, like Hao, and enjoyed the game. And when it ended, the loudspeakers announced that if everyone would be so kind to remain on their seats, they'd now hold a small celebration of Ashlyn's lifetime of dedication to football. A video compiling her career was shown, and Ashlyn was called on the field, while Ali stood in the sidelines with some other of their friends and family, watching proudly.

And then their friends Megan Rapinoe and Becky Sauerbrunn, captains of the team now that Carli, post Olympics, had finally retired a couple friendlies back, grabbed Ashlyn and gave her a bouquet of flowers, a framed plaque that said ' _The USWNT hereby presents this plaque to Ashlyn Michelle Harris in appreciation and gratefulness for her devotion and dedication to US Soccer and this team throughout her life. Your soccer family loves you and wishes all the best in your new journey. Love, your soccer sisters._ ' and it was signed by all of the players, and then Kate Markgraf gave Ashlyn the usual framed jersey, that Ali had to come to help Ashlyn carry it all.

“Nobody moves yet!” Rapinoe yelled into the microphone she was given, even though a sea of 24 Harris jerseys was visible on the stands and were very attentive on their seats and nobody seemed willing to go just yet, but her comment did elicit some laughter. “I just want to say a few words in the name of these women and myself,” she said, putting an arm around Ashlyn's shoulders, and the goalkeeper smiled shyly. “My friend, it sucks that life kicked you out of soccer in such a shitty way, but we hope these little gifts, this victory today for you, and all these people chanting your name once more makes the transition a little easier for you, because you should always know you mean the world to us, and you are greatly, greatly missed,” Pinoe smiled a little emotional, and Ali focused her eyes on the shirt she was holding for Ashlyn as she felt the pickle of tears herself. “I would've loved to get to play one last game with you and celebrate you in the right way as we've celebrated many other team legends, I'm sure all of us would have, but we're just going to be happy to at least have you here to pamper you and congratulate you because yours, my friend, has been one hell of a career, and I'm sure you've got many more victories left in store to celebrate. So... I think I speak in the name of this whole stadium when I say thank you for all you've given us, and your friendship first and foremost, and we wish you nothing but happiness in your next career path. And you're our sister forever, we love you.”

“Thanks Pinoe,” Ashlyn grinned, hugging her as the stadium applauded, but as Pinoe pressed the microphone on her hands it was clear they weren't going to let her go without some words.

“Now you better give us some sweet words girl, these people want to hear you one last time am I right?!” Pinoe yelled at the microphone, and the stadium roared. Ashlyn laughed and nodded, accepting the microphone and leaving the flowers and the plaque on Pinoe's hands for a bit.

“All right you guys!” Ashlyn waved at the fans. “Well first of all, thank you, all of you. It's so bizarre to be celebrated for victories I hardly remember, but to be fair I can't even be sad, when I see all of you and I just feel so happy that soccer has given me all this much. But the best its given me it's not cups and medals, it's just... this. A bunch of people in one same place, full of happy faces, with a handful of people to call family, and of course my wife, all of that because of this beautiful journey,” the stadium roared in support and Ashlyn grinned, nodding along as she turned around to look at all the stands. “You know, this is my greatest pride! A community, where we can all sit here, with our family and our friends, and there's no hate isn't it? Because we're united for our same love to soccer, am I right?” the stands clapped and screamed in affirmation. “Okay, before we all go, let me share one little secret with you guys, since we're all friends tonight right? When I first heard the team wanted to prepare me a little farewell like this, I didn't really know what I wanted to make of it. It was just so strange to think of having all of this without many memories to justify it. But as we came closer to today, the anniversary of the homophobic attack that almost took my life, I realized when something shitty happens to you you can do two things. Stay home and be miserable, sink in self-pity, remind yourself how unfair the world is every second and make yourself even more miserable than life already has. Or... you can get up and do what these amazing ladies do. Train hard to get yourself back on your feet, work hard to recover, go to rehab, or therapy, or whatever it is you need, and make the best of a bad situation. And that's what I wanted to do. I've spent a whole year busting my ass in therapy, rehabilitation and all these things, looking up to these ladies, and to my wife, and following their lead,” Ashlyn pointed to the team with one index finger. “And I made a conscious decision to come back to Philly today, because I realized it was necessary to make one giant good memory here. 'Cause, you see, I don't think Philadelphia is a bad place. I don't think people here are bad. But I do think that when something bad happens somewhere you have to go there and make sure that where once hate and intolerance reigned, all the good, positive vibes return. We had to come and make sure Philadelphia could show those bastards that the people here are made of good wood, and are nice, respectful, and loving creatures, not some homophobic jerks like those that now root in prison. We close full circle today, and from now on, we'll be fine, my friends. I'm fine now, and this city is hella fine, and I'm so glad and so happy I get to celebrate one extra year of wonderful life with you guys. So thank you, thank you so much!”

Ali's laughter echoed as Ashlyn carried her bride style into their house after their trip, leaving their things in the car in the garage, and being welcomed by Logan and their newest dog, a bulldog named Alaska.

“Ash, you're gonna hurt yourself!”

“Nope! I never carried my bride proper, I must!” Ashlyn grinned, kissing her as she gently pushed the dogs away with her feet and carried Ali to their bed, both flopping on it and entangling in kisses and hugs.

“I'm so proud of you,” Ali said between kisses, keeping her close on top of her.

“I'm so proud of you too,” Ashlyn cupped her face, kissing her hard one last time before pulling away a little to look at her better. “You're so gorgeous, so perfect, I'm so lucky.”

Ali grinned.

“I have a surprise for you. Little gift I've kept secret for a couple days.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Two days ago I got the call,” Ali chuckled. “From social services. We've been approved as adoptive parents!”

Ashlyn's jaw fell and then she beamed.

“For real?!”

“For real,” Ali confirmed gleefully.

“Oh my,” Ashlyn shook her head in disbelief with a huge grin on her face. “We're going to be Mums.”

“So... I'd say your new journey is going to have a very nice fresh start, uh?”

“Oh yeah,” Ashlyn nodded, leaning to kiss her. Only that this time, words fell completely as their love was shown with actions instead, and the couple had a private celebration to honour the broken road, that led them to their new precious journey.

FIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much if you stayed until the end. Let me know your thoughts! Merry Christmas


End file.
